A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #friends (page 1 of 2)

Mental Health Awareness Day

There is no shame in admitting that you are suffering,
Impatient and unempathetic people may tire of hearing,
Struggling to recognise what you are feeling,
None believing because they are not seeing,
Ill mental health may appear to be invisible,
Some people need to see scans,
Broken bones and bleeding,
Or they suspiciously cross you off as deceiving,
And that is why we need to raise awareness,
There are other telling truths then seeing to believe in.
Struggling to get out of bed,
Find joy and motivation,
Psychosis consistent,
Becomes dominant,
Especially when support off others is infrequent,
Or none existant.
When your hallucinations are more common,
Than the occurance of communication off others,
Life is bleak,
You are a prisoner to darkness,
Unable to see any light,
Each day is a fright,
And there is only one way out.
Your friends loose interest.
Your family turn their backs,
The help is infrequent,
Your lover feels trapped,
It seems like you mean to push them all away,
But just like you don’t know what to do or say,
Neither do they.
Social media is false representation,
Liking a post is not interaction,
Real acknowledgment,
Or appreciation.
Choosing to not discuss life depending issues,
Does not make them disappear.
Invitations become less.
Not one text.
You are living your life,
Avoiding the mess.
Not grasping that your neglection interjects even more stress.
So instead of being strong
Firm,
Consistent,
You just slip away,
Awkwardly as you know not what to say,
Until one day it happens to you,
And you get it,
But it is all just a little to late.
Take responsibility in knowing the basics of understanding the power of the mind.
We all have mental health,
And therefor we can and most likely will,
All experience ill mental health to some degree,
So take the opportunity to understand and be prepared,
We are not all hero’s,
If you can’t,
Or don’t want to help others,
At least help yourself.
Once you understand,
Pass the baton,
The more we know,
The more that know,
The less stigma and exclusion,
More respect and inclusion,
Hopefully leading to saving lives.
We loose too many to suicide.
Rip to those that have gone,
In your memory may we be strong,
Join forces,
Learn healing,
And live on.

Broken Heart

I think the reason why I blog, write poetry, spoken word, music and reach out to people on social media is because I genuinely don’t want people to feel the pain that I do. I reach out to anyone and everyone because I feel like I have lost the contact and love from important people in my life and I try to fill that void by helping others. A heavy heart and tangled brain is a burden that often leads to isolation and fatality. A problem halved is a problem shared, because you need more than one hose to put out a fire.
I have lost friends, partners and family because I suffer from mental illness, BPD and all that sails in her. I have lost a huge part of myself, my dreams, my confidence, reputation because after being constantly bullied, denied/abandoned/banished by my biological father, excluded from family holidays and reunions and you can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so many times. I can see a world without me in it, way more clearly than I can see a future for myself. I want my own family and their only burden would be to be smothered by my love and baffled by my pride, my husband and children would never doubt my love for them for as long as I live.
When you stop going out and attending social events/family occasions, inevitably the invites stop coming in, so do the phonecalls texts and all communication.
The only comments I receive are about my weight gain, belittling or denying my illness, I receive no love off the people that once gave me so much. Do I embarrass them? Offend them? Do they honestly think self harm and suicidal behaviour is something that I am proud of, that I take pleasure in?
When you come from a working class background and you don’t get private health care, even the professionals abandon you and let you down. I had a mini breakdown last year, because of the disgraceful way that I was treated in hospital.
A family member has said to me, “If you are going to kill yourself, just get on with it and do it!” I tried by the way. At least I know where I stand with that individual.
Life carries on. I think people loose patience with people like myself. The survivors have a strong network of support. So many others leave this world because fighting depression/anxiety/psychosis is like fighting an army and no human is strong enough to combat an entire battle alone. Not even fictional characters like Arya Stark from Game of Thrones! Even her badass needed much help.
I apologise to all whom I have hurt/disappointed/upset since my breakdown 2013. I need you to know (even if you do not understand) I am ill. Would you be able to resent someone with epilepsy? Sounds a bit silly and I am not literally comparing, but sickness is sickness.
I used to reach out alot more before than I do now, because I know that there isn’t really enough help, love and support out there for me from the people that I want and need. I got so confused, at one point I was even reaching out to people from my past, whom were left in my past for a reason, sorry! Desperation is a poorly lit torch. I now understand your side steps.
I don’t need to be ignored, excluded resented by my closest/oldest (long standing) /bestest and feel that I both have been and am being.
I feel like a spare part.
I feel so tired of fighting alone.
I feel like trouble and woes just keep falling upon my shoulders.
I cannot really help myself anymore, I try my hardest to be independent and self sufficient but my demons are often all consuming. I take my medication, accept professional help but it feels like prolonging the inevitable.
Friends come and go in life but best friends should stick around through ups and downs forever.
Partners come and go in life but should I loose my current one I really will explode.
Love is so important and we understand that it should be unconditional, but more often than not, it proves not to be.
Family are your family, blood is an undeniable bond but I don’t expect my third cousin in timbuktu to be there for me, yet I do get disappointed by my immediate family not.
Age is just a number when it comes to dealing with the emotional turmoil that I do, I still need a phone call, an I LOVE YOU, a cuddle, to be held and included. I hate confrontation and so I don’t scream & shout about all this but we all know.
I think people get tired of people like me, I just want those people to know that I do not choose to be this way. I don’t want you to have to tolerate me, feel obliged to be there for me, so I silently let you ditch me but it does upset me and doesn’t help me stay on top of recovery. I have tried to communicate and hint but you are all putting a wedge between us, just please hold on until I am secure with my special someone, I won’t survive on my one.
To my blog readers I am No One, a someone representing everyone and no one in particular, but to a few I should be a special someone, and all this someone wants is to feel loved and secure to fuel the fight and sun away those dark clouds.
So never feel a burden by messaging me guys, together we can silence those terror crys.

Black Girls Don’t Cry… Returns

As a self appointed mental health advocate, I have been fortunate enough to be approached by the BBC a few times throughout my crazy journey of ill mental health and my latest opportunity was being able to share parts of my story via the BBC Radio4 and Made In Manchester documentary, “Black Girls Don’t Cry”. Due to resounding success, it is available once more. It airs January 3rd at 8pm BBC Radio4 but is also currently available on iPlayer. Simply Google, “Black Girls Don’t Cry” or https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b9zfws and you shall be able to hear two other brave black ladies as well as myself, share our stories of ill mental health. Catch it while you can. It really gives great food for thought.

Anti-Clockwise

All of a sudden you hit a brick wall,
And in slow motion you begin to fall,
Before crashing,
Like a phone malfunction,
Or computer virus,
Unbeknownst to yourself!
System down,
No control,
You’ve been hacked.
You have been rewound back in time,
Stolen,
Kidnaped,
Catapulted through an anti-clockwise time blurring tornado,
Until an abrupt reset and play.
You are back in a place where chapters were closed,
Forgotten,
And knowingly,
Once locked,
And blocked,
From your memory.
Somehow things just don’t seem or feel right,
Unsteady feet,
Disorientated,
Unable to recognise the difference between day and night,
Black and White,
It’s neither,
It’s either,
Possibly both,
Between the lines,
In the thick of grey.
Clues are there all the while,
But the chimes you cannot hear,
And the hands you cannot see.
You have been here before,
Yet this is unfamiliar territory,
You recognise the place,
Everyone’s face,
But something is awry,
Not natural or what they are supposed to be,
Because this is the second time around,
It just took a while to see,
Identify that,
I was picked up and dropped but the timing is off key.
Your hopes,
Your dreams,
And your achievements muffled.
What was,
What is,
What will be,
Scrambled.
Friends,
Family,
Loved ones misplaced,
You have stumbled,
Tripped,
And scratched your memory chip,
Lost time,
Gone back in time,
At the same time somewhere the eye cannot see,
Unsure of visions or reality,
Trying to find your feet,
But everything is off beat,
Your mind and your body,
They have been separated,
Ripped apart,
Running wild on emotions,
Lead by the heart,
My chaos just a muse for other peoples art.
I was trying to pick up from where we had left off,
But our journey had already ended.
I was supposed to start again,
But instead of somewhere new,
They took me back to you,
Where everything started.
Old friends,
Old home,
Old life.
My situation gave us a second shot,
But our relationships had already rot,
I was just dazed and confused,
The chapter had ended,
The book had been closed,
This jigsaw puzzle burnt,
I forgot and you entertained it,
For reasons I know not,
Curiosity?
You could not have also forgot?
Ten years of no contact,
Or silence,
Is an awful lot!
I regressed to a younger self,
Of cause we were older now,
Yet this didn’t play on my mind,
Everything was old,
It took time to feel new,
To catch up and be on the same page.
Trauma,
Relocation,
Life was like an animation,
I didn’t really know what was going on.
Reaching out to what I thought was safe,
Familiar,
Not recognising that we were strangers now,
Unfamiliar.
It’s double confirmed now,
I understand.
Nostalgia is sweet,
But one must learn when to accept defeat.
I thought I had been bought back to make amends,
That an old place,
Meant familiar faces,
Thus reigniting relationships with old friends,
I was so sure,
I didn’t hold back,
I lay it on thick,
And when cracks appeared,
I honestly feared,
That we had gone full circle,
And that this is where the book would end.
You ran away from me.
I understand now.
I might have even done the same,
If I didn’t recognise,
Dig deep from curiosity,
Or just blatantly see,
The shell of a body,
But oozing with dazed mentality.
I had forgotten about the silence,
The time lapse,
And therefor pushed,
But it was a force already broken.
I only realised this the other day,
Now that I am more content,
After letting you’ll go,
And finding my own way.
Our second chance is an inexplicable mystery,
The wrong path to take on my journey to recovery,
I needed a pillar,
But it was not for you to lean upon,
So let us lay it now to bed,
I meant you no harm,
And did not mean to do you wrong,
I think we are all content now,
To remember one another,
But move on.

No One’s Lounge

To my readers,

Just as you support me by following this website and staying up To date with my poetry and blogs. Please help me in the same way by watching/sharing/supporting/following and subscribing to my YouTube channel, noone adiaryfromnoone and enjoy the festive pilot of my new chat show, No One’s Lounge. Enjoy acoustic music, magic and chit chat about Christmas traditions and how the season often evokes ill mental health within people. Comment, have your say and ask me anything. This show is for you. Merry Christmas 2017,

From No One 🎅☃️🎄

Happier without me..

Treading on eggshells most of my youth,
Conscious of others emotions,
I withdrew from sharing my truth.
Walking on a tightrope throughout adolescents,
Withholding from disobedience,
Out of respect.
Missing out on being young and care free,
Experimental,
Testing every boundary,
Unknowing that such characteristics are essential,
For ones development,
In order to become a wholesome being.
I can reflect,
Analyse,
And try to process,
But never go back,
As time for me stands still,
The hands of the clock keep ticking forward,
Everyone seems to be on a different path than I,
And I cannot help but wonder why?
Did I create this distance?
This parting between us?
Is this my punishment for wanting to die?
Suicidal behaviour is not based on a selfish lie,
But a complex compulsion,
Bigger than you or I,
Not to attention seek,
Not to gain pity,
But a desperate attempt to drain all sorrow,
And woes away,
A chance to wake from agony,
To sleep in peace forevermore.
I mean not to cause you pain,
And I wish I could explain,
None of this stops my love for you,
And I must accept that you can react in anyway that you want to,
To freeze me out now,
To make an easier good bye?
Seemingly a popular strategy?
Unfortunately,
The more you exclude me,
The weaker I become,
The gates and walls around me crumble,
Each time you drift away,
As we don’t speak,
All I have to hear is what the voices,
You come and go,
But they never stray,
And I alone must endure the horrible things that they do and say!
Watching you walk away,
Detach yourselves,
With no place for me,
Makes leaving this life more appealing,
But most of the time,
That is just a pain wrenching feeling,
Only when very unwell,
When this earth turns to hell,
And I see nothing,
Hear nothing,
Feel nothing,
But,
Pain,
Pain,
Pain,
Do I attempt to leave this mortal plane.
I am tiered of fighting,
And fighting alone,
You seem stronger and happier,
Without the weight of me in your zone,
The pictures,
The trips,
The days out,
Those happy moments,
You are happier without me,
And so I know if I leave,
You will continue to be!

Social Friends In Cyber Media…. Cysober…

For the blaggers,
The bull-shitters,
The false friends,
And fake lovers!
All of my Cysober sister’s and brother’s.
The people that, “like” without opening your post.
The people that comment without reading your post.
The selfies,
The tagging,
The Internet bragging,
Attention seeking,
Sob stories,
The bitchy comments,
Exclusion,
The hott list,
The not list,
The group chats,
The blanking,
The rants,
The pestering (guilty as charged),
The sharing,
The over sharing,
The overbearing,
Ignoring,
Blocking,
The friend requests,
The stranger requests,
The stalking,
Not messaging back,
The friend count,
The like count,
The video watched count.
The chain messages,
Advertising,
Chastising,
Grooming,
Bullying,
Pranking,
Punking.
The people from your past,
The insincere,
The numbers mean nothing,
The live video’streaming, mantras and selfies a facade!
In this instance my intentions are genuine,
I am here,
I am asking for your help!?…
The majority of you will not read this,
The rest won’t know what I am talking about,
Because this isn’t about fashion or reality TV,
Perhaps it should be…
Reality TV,
But this is an opportunity to make positive change for charity!
JustGiving/JadeLaurie-Hart
Please donate/share/help me,
Help others!?
www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk

Listen to Cyscober by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

We Can No Longer Deny it, December 1st Is Here…

As Christmas is nigh,
I look up at Santa’s map,
The starlit sky,
Where he shall sleigh his mighty sack.
December is here,
I feel nothing but cold,
The young ones full of cheer,
Ba Humbug I am getting old,
But as Christmas is near,
Children write their lists,
In hope of getting many gifts,
To be bestowed upon them December 25th!

Happy Christmas 🎅 one and all. December can be a lonely time for anyone and everyone, be Kind and make it known that you care for the good people in your life. From a mental health point of view, I have struggled, relapsed and been in Crisis over many Christmas periods. I was in a mental health hospital through the Christmas period a few years back, I remember being permitted hospital leave on December 25th and relaxing with my Mum, Step Dad, Sister and late Grandfather, it was magical. While the lucky ones enjoy lavish gifts, the even luckier ones enjoy friends, family and festive cheer. Enjoy your Christmas but be mindful of those on the streets, the elderly who are lonely and feel forgotten, the sick children in hospital and their parents and families, the lonely, the suicidal and unwell. Please share this link, it is easy to forget the unfortunate during the hustle, bustle, preparation and celebration of Christmas. A little acknowledgement and a smile may be small and effortless to you but mean the world to another.
Merry Christmas From No One xxx

FRIENDS

Like the good song say’s…

“I’ll Be There For You…”

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but

I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(Cause you’re there for me too)”

And so on…

I am not ready to return to London to live or even hang out and visit, but it turns out that the city of London is where my best friends still reside, therefor as they wed and prepare to wed, I must return way ahead of schedule. May I be spared from having an episode and get through both events gracefully. Should the worst happen, at least I will score 10/10 for maximum effort. I can’t get a bus to town and so all of this travel may very well kill me but, “She died trying to surpress her mental health problems in order to make her best friends happy” should make an awesome headstone!

I may not have a very special romantic someone, life may not be as I had wished, but… I do have some smashing friends! This vlog talks of two in particular! Please check it out and share…

London Baby….

Seeing all of these beautiful women in their short shorts, bikini tops, tight Spanish dresses and heels makes me more self conscious then ever. When I get body envy I only want to comfort myself with more and more food, have an ice-cream, have a milk shake, drink wine and sangria, eat pizza!
I am so self conscious, I almost don’t want to go outside of the apartment at all. The weight, the scars on my body, the colour of my skin, it is not my paranoia, people are looking at me and I just want to shout, “What exactly is your problem!?” Only I already know their answer, disgust!
So back off people. There are people with worse physical appearance then I, and when I get home, I must hit the diet and exercise regime hard.
It is one thing getting looks of disgust off a stranger,they shouldn’t be so bloody nosey or shallow. I stare at the girls but conceal the envy and just try to look polite! I have a hen do and a wedding to contend with, old faces and outspoken people will be making comments, vocally, with their eyes or both. I am not sure I can handle it!
If anyone that I am bound to bump into that isn’t particularly close to me, if we haven’t stayed in touch. I am like double the size of when we last met. So deal with the shock, do a bit of bitching and please just enjoy the company when we meet. I am on a long, long, long journey of recovery and would not be going back to London as yet if it didn’t mean so much to my friends!
I take antidepressants and anti psychotic drugs every single day! Both of which have weight gain as the main side effect. I haven’t just been eating cake in Brum for the last three years. I began to loose weight and then got far to comfortable and relapsed entirely with my x, plus I was in hospital for 22days May /June and the food there is not healthy.
I hope you are all just thinking…. Get over yourself! For once, this attitude will not offend me. My future trips to London are for the grooms and bride to be, I’ll just be drinking in the corner, minding my own business. I have only wrote this post because I am self conscious enough, without extra digs or comments about my weight and health, I don’t want my low self esteem plus anxiety to result in me not showing up. I am not as independant as I once was and so will not be able to see friends and family outside of the hen and wedding. I will only return when I feel well enough mentally and confident enough physically. I just really don’t want to let my friends down! So please help me by accepting the situation, I have a huge objection to not make my situation permanent xx

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