Ugly Mess…

Am I weak?
Do you disapprove of the approval that I seek?
Are you aware of your neglect,
And the emotional debt that you are racking up with me.
Can you not hear nor see?
The division between us is making me feel empty,
Worthless,
You have cut the string prematurely,
I do not feel free.
I do not want your sympathy,
But I would relish in your empathy.
How can you be so blind,
And not admit that you have left me behind.
It is your duty to fix and solidify the devide between us,
To eliminate any confusion or fuss,
By keeping us wholesome.
Once a pair,
Then an equal square,
Now a triangle,
Or a pentagon,
Where has my place gone?
Should I try one more time to let you know,
Or just keep the memories alive of the good times,
Be happy for you,
And let you go?
I have tried to articulate my feelings,
To orchestrate some emotional healing,
I am the outsider without the key,
No longer immediate family.
Each chapter of our story,
I appear less and less,
As you clear out the cobwebs of ugliness,
And release me,
The ugly mess.

Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Cocktails,
Mocktails,
Endless joys,
Youth,
Freedom,
Expression,
Creativity,
Power,
Sexy,
Sassy,
PARTY!
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?

Now I Need You…

I wobble as the soft wind kisses my face,
My heart stops,
I stumble at first,
Then fall.
I tried to tell you in my own way,
The heavy weight on my shoulders,
No matter how hard I tried,
It just wouldn’t go away.
I keep getting back up,
Because you said you were there for me,
Not to go,
Because you needed me,
Yet now when I need you,
You are a constant no show.
I’m not bitter,
Life goes on,
Well it does for you,
You’re so strong,
I dream of being like you,
But I just don’t belong.
Please remember me fondly,
When I am gone.

Christmas Day may officially be over but let us remember the joy throughout the January blues…

When Cinnamon,
Sultana’s,
Ginger and All Spice,
Ice skate with leaps and tricks through the air,
Dive into your nostrils,
And gambol out of your mouth,
You know that it is Christmas!
So eat,
Drink,
And be merry.
Raise a toast to everyone,
This special and festive time of year.
Give thanks,
Remember those that we have loved and lost,
But rejoice in the fortune of love, friends and family that we have.
Those without,
Please don’t loose faith,
Hold onto hope,
Don’t write yourselves off,
The future is unknown.
For the lucky ones,
Hold on to the warmth and all things nice,
Try to not get overcome with greed,
And be willing to sacrifice,
Accept the seed of awareness and giving that I have placed between your shoulders,
Be humble and kind to everyone,
Because no one is immune to vulnerability,
The weak may rise,
And the mighty may fall,
Who knows what tomorrow may bring,
But in the meantime, gestures of kindness can go along way.
Do not get complacent,
Nothing is certain,
You may have January blues,
But Christmas will come back around again.