A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #fear

Panic Attack…

Heads pounding,
Chest on fire,
Can’t catch my breath,
A pin drop sounds like a satanic choir.
Anxiety has me pinned down,
Vision blurred,
Overwhelmed by sound,
I cannot remove the burden of this thorned and bitter crown.
Where is all the air,
My word bank suddenly empty,
Tears fall,
This isn’t fair.
I cannot articulate what’s happening to me,
Despite all to well knowing what it is,
I must ride it out and get through like each time before,
Another panic attack fueled by anxiety.
Each time it feels like death has found me,
Until all of a sudden I am free!
How long until the next one will be?
The unsurity,
Enhances insecurity,
Not knowing simply gives me more anxiety,
Paranoia kicks in,
I loose all rationality.
I fight this constant battle,
It never gets easier for me,
But I shall not blame myself, Nor beat myself up,
Each time I get through,
Is a victory!

Take A Look At Your Own Mentality!?

Yo!
They heckle.
Freak,
Nuts,
Insane,
Not all there,
Half brain.
Shout your insults,
I don’t care,
You can pick those words up from anywhere!
Not only do you need to expand your vocabulary,
But instead of dissing me,
Take a look at your own mentality.
So you pick on people,
Make them feel small,
Try and hover above us,
Get to us,
And so you feel tall.
How about just minding your own business!?
I have no time for those that are unwilling to learn,
You annoy me,
But I cannot give you the satisfaction,
Of being my main concern,
Nor will I throw shade back at you,
Spreading the blazing fire,
From whence the trigger you did ignite,
Jumping on the band wagon,
Entering a fight with forgotten purpose or insight.
From such scenarios,
The drama shadows the roots,
Heads turn for the wrong reason,
And instead of resolvement,
Acknowledgement,
Resolution,
Prompting inclusion,
Understanding,
And a solution,
The focus gets distorted by your animosity,
Inviting more vultures,
To pollute the minds of the the impartial,
Media gets it twisted,
More haters are enlisted,
The idea of global,
Social,
Empathy,
And Understanding,
Is lost in ignorance pollution.
To the haters,
The trolls,
The small minded,
Blind,
Ignorant,
Judgemental,
I am drowning you out,
Because the venom from your mouth,
Is not worth a whisper,
Definitely nothing to shout about,
And unworthy of me to talk about.
I put my hands up,
With absolutely no shame,
I suffer from mental illness,
Which is a cognitive impediment in the brain.
I still have a heart to Love,
A soul to anchor feeling,
Being a mental health advocate is my choice,
And as I raise awareness,
I do it all for us,
Anyone,
And everyone,
Representing all of us,
With for now,
Just one voice,
But you are welcome to join me,
It is your choice!?

www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk
“No One’s Lounge” via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone
All social media, adiaryfromnoone

No One’s Lounge

Hello readers 🤗 I am absolutely ecstatic and delighted to report that the pilot for my new chat show has been watched over 170 times since it aired on my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone on Christmas Eve. My YouTube subscribers have also almost doubled but I need more of you to click on that red button.
My plan is to host a 10 episode season of No One’s Lounge throughout this year of 2018. I think it is important to be as creative and intriguing as possible, in order to keep people’s attention and constantly raise mental health awareness. This vibrant new show is all about real life people, with real life experience within the realms of mental health and speaking openly and honestly in order to connect with you, the people.
I will not be having a festival this year and so please support me in this project, as generously as you have over the last two years with, A Festival From No One.
If you didn’t catch the pilot or have not yet seen my fundraising pledge, please check out the details below.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone?utm_source=Facebook

Much love, kisses, well wishes and appreciation to you all. Don’t forget to subscribe as Season1, Episode 1 is being filmed today and shall be aired in due cause. Come with me on this journey, as I fundraise and produce an insightful season of No One’s Lounge throughout the year. See where your donations go as it manifests and please keep sharing, as to broaden my network!?

Xx No One

Escaping Tomorrow…

Pitch black,
Panic attack.
The chains way me down,
Both in wait and in sound.
The lead like a noose,
Restricts me from movement.
Even if set loose,
Gates surround me,
Draped in barb wire,
They forbid me,
There is no escape!
All sounds are shrill,
Beckoning me to kill,
To kill myself,
Release myself.
Vocal chords crushed,
And brain power zapped,
I am in no fit shape for combat.
I cannot escape alone,
But I am stuck on my own.
Friends and family all light years away,
And so unassumingly I pray,
For this monster to quicken in pursuing me,
And so I can melt away.
Escaping tomorrow,
And forgetting about yesterday.

This link shows you the disappointing broken communication between patients and professional help in today’s society. Around 10% of people with Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder/ Borderline Personality Disorder die from suicide, I hope that you agree that those statistics are way to high! Please share this pink and help me raise awareness about seeking help and not receiving it. This link in the mental health system is broken, please help me try to fix it!?
On Friday 27th October, I reached out to my GP in person and Community Psychiatric Nurse on tge phone, disclosing to both, that I had suicidal and intrusive thoughts. I was told that help would call me that very same evening by tge GP. It got to 90m and i had not received contact. After initiating a further three calls to the crisis team, it took over fifteen hrs for me to receive a call back! This was unacceptable. It needs to change. I did my best, but certainly did not receive it in any away, shape or form. The prospect of how many lives could be lost in that time scares me!

What the actual F###!?

When you wake up thinking that it is just another day and you habitually vape, check your phone for missed texts, calls, social media messages, statements and recorded visits on my various outlets, once satisfied, I usually take my medication and get out of bed and my day officially begins. One of the texts that I received was off a friend, she said that she had listened to one of my poems on SoundCloud and had really enjoyed it, that compliment ignited my artistic fuel and so I decided that the first task of the day would be to record another. Setting up took a while, choosing the right song, a device to play it from, a source to manipulate volume, my words and another device to record. Getting it right took even longer. Once satisfied, I uploaded and shared it.

When I had finished, I was extremely parched and so I went into the kitchen for the first time that day. I was thinking about food but still felt a little sick for over indulging on my diet snacks in disappointment the night before. I was supposed to be going on a date with someone that I had met online and had been conversing with for two whole weeks. He had cancelled the week before, due to a sustained work injury and being the gullible and helpless romantic that I am, I continued talking to him, at least he had cancelled, the guy that I was supposed to date before, had gone AWOL and so for me this scenario was an improvement. Yet unfortunately it got to date day and I had not heard from him to confirm, I started to get ready whilst making up excuses for him, perhaps he was at work with no access to his phone, as we had planned this date throughout the last week, perhaps he felt no need to check in and confirm. Our date was supposed to be at eight. I didn’t want to come across to intense and insecure but had no desire to get ready and go to meet someone who had seen and ignored my WhatsApp texts. In hope I had begun to get ready, but it got to seven and still not a word. I had officially been stood up, once again. I am rapidly becoming to familiar with this scenario! People complain about bad dates and I can’t even seem to get to the first date stage.
It had been a really bad week for me, being stood up of cause stirs the pangs of abandonment and rejection issues that I already have but not meeting this guy was the least of my worries. I had engaged in a therapy session that I had been anxious about attending, I am better at disclosing stuff to females but with the budget cuts, my only option was a male therapist, the session evoked and awakened the voices that I hear that had admittedly been dormant for at least a month. I had recently received news about having to leave my residence and find a new home, the decision felt heavy and premature to me. My depression had me stuck in a rut, unable to be active, shower, change my clothes and get out of my funk, energy levels low and no desire or motivation. On top of that, my psychosis had come back with a vengeance, my anxiety had me in regular panic attacks and my depression in floods of tears, this was prior to the new therapy about suicidal thoughts, actions and hearing voices that I was due to commence. I was cycling on my wonder core smart one night, whilst sobbing my heart out at the same time, what an image. After therapy with heightened psychosis, I couldn’t rest or sleep properly, disturbed by every sound, music, people, constant chatter and noise, unable to distinguish if the noise was universal or just a burden for me.
When I walked into the kitchen, it looked like the remains of a murder scene! Blood on the floor, surfaces and up the walls. I live alone and so of cause, it had to be my blood. I looked at my body for the first time that day, and discovered blood soaked bandages on my left arm and right leg. What the actual F###!? If I can do such detrimental harm to myself and just forget about it, I fear what may happen next time and in the future. I was clearly unwell, having some kind of episode and quite frankly unsafe to be alone. I was shocked, confused, scared, apprehensive and felt terribly isolated. I wanted to tell someone and ask for help but had strong reservations. Why should I drag people that I care about into this mess? Why reach out to people that I think care about me, only to get shunned and turned away. Why be delusional enough to think that anyone would care when I am just a number, another insignificant and weak being on this planet. Why invite my loved ones into this cobweb of a disaster. Why tell the professionals when I know that, that would result in some serious intervention. I did and do not want to go back to hospital, telling them would result in another psychiatric sentence. I decided to tell them once it had subsided as I believe the incident does need to be logged, yet if it happened again, I would have to swallow my pride and say something.
Throughout that day and the night, I kept seeing gigantic black spiders scuttle across the living room floor. Once again, it was hard to try to get to sleep that night with all of the distractions. I felt this animal jump onto the bed and get really close to my face, paralysed, I could not move or scream. I opened my eyes to see what felt like a fury creature, it was a large black cat with a bushy coat. I turned my head but could still not scream. I don’t have a pet, how did it get in? I hate cats. I was scared that it was more likely to be a rat or something. I had to dig really deep to get movement back into my body and turned the light on as soon as I was free. There was no creature to see but I swear that was not a dream, it was real what had happened to me. This time I decided to call for help, I was still bleeding away. The help said that it was a lucid dream, but I would not accept it and confessed how scared that I was. It was arranged to get a call once the office was open. This was only a few hours away. It was suggested that I get some sleep but I couldn’t and sat up writing. The call came just as I had fallen asleep, there was talk of solutions and action and it was decided that all the information would be relayed back to my mental health team Monday morning and to expect a call. It is now Tuesday and still no call, I even tried to phone them and I am waiting for a call back. I think the worst of it is over now but my illness is unpredictable, I would be a fool to believe that my symptoms are over for good. I hope that this new therapy will help me understand such happenings. What scares me the most, is not being able to remember causing great harm to myself and I fear the severity of injury if it happens again.
Living with severe mental health problems can only be described as an intricate, living nightmare. I believe that it has shaped my destiny, which is to use my experiences of pain and suffering to help others and raise awareness, I have been told that I must die to make an impact. Every time that I see or speak to my little sister, this saddens me.

But What is BPD?

Are you better now? You look well? Are you doing well?

Unfortunately I am not better now! I spent twenty-two day’s in hospital, and yes I got discharged, but please do not be under any illusion that I am now well. I was ill before I went to hospital and still ill when I came out, I just got through a crisis under supervision and twenty-four hour care, without it, I would not still be here but don’t be fooled, it has happened before and it will most likely happen again. My struggles are not over. Good make-up and hair only disguise what is really going on inside, of cause I look well if I have spent two hours grooming and getting ready before venturing outdoors, most days I am at home, make-up free, messy hair and stuck in my pyjama’s.
BPD is not the common flu or a cold; it is a deep rooted mental health illness and something that (although for a long time, unbeknown to me) I have had for most of my life, if not its entirety.
These are the worries, feelings and emotions that I personally go through every single day but try to suffer in silence;
• Can’t see forward
• Irrational
• Distrust of anyone who says that they like or love me
• Self-Conscious
• Intense empathy for others but not myself
• Day to Day/Hour/Hour highs and lows
• Low self-worth
• Helpless
• Unable to connect with or accept any of my, “Positive Traits”
• Impulsive
• Self-Destructive
• Suicidal
• Fear of abandonment
• A bad judge of character
• Numbness
• Misunderstood
• Unloved
• Unwanted
• Beyond help
• Isolated
• Alone
• Unable to sustain positive relationships
• Unable to recognise the difference between good and bad relationships
• Unworthy and distrusting of love from friends and family
• Self-Loathing
• Feeling left behind
• Feeling stuck
• Feeling betrayed
• Feeling all good odd’s are stacked against me
• Undesirable
• Scared
• Hopeless
• Helpless

Where does all of this come from and why does it happen? In order to get diagnosed with BPD, you need to suffer from at least five out of the following nine symptoms. I unfortunately tick all of the boxes. The symptoms are as follows;

• Abandonment issues- False promises, if people go AWOL, getting cancelled on by people or if an event that I have planned to go to doesn’t happen, it is the end of my world.
• Unstable and intense relationships- Fall in love extremely quick, fall out of love but feel better as part of a two instead of being alone, worry about love being unreciprocated, tolerate cruel behaviour.
• Identity disturbance- Shift of idea’s thoughts and personality. Big thoughts, dreams and ideas, followed by fear of failure, low self-esteem, low self-worth, no confidence.
• Impulsivity and self-damaging- Over spending, substance abuse, promiscuity, reckless behaviour, self-harm/mutilation.
• Recurrent Suicidal Behaviour- No regards to others or rational thinking, all is black and everything hurts so much, you lose all regards to life.
• Mood swings- constant up’s and down’s.
• Feeling Empty and Lonely- Disconnected to the world, all living things and myself.
• Anger and aggression towards others or one self- A loss of control, all morals and principles dissolve and in the moment a lot of damage may occur.
• Stress Related Paranoia- Psychosis or impulsiveness leads to uncontrolled dissociative behaviour.
Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has a heart; they are both as crucial and integral as each other when it comes to life and living. Some people’s hearts and mental health may not function as well as others!
BPD is actually a very common illness, even celebrities both past and present have apparently suffered from it, research suggested Tennessee Williams, Marilyn Monroe, Lady Gaga (don’t quote me) but it is not as well-known as other mental health illnesses like Bi-Polar or Schizophrenia for example. If people do get into contact with it, it is very misunderstood because of the varying emotions, the symptoms are fast and rapid and so therefor without a complete understanding of the illness it can come across as intense and most probably frustrating. I know that mental health professionals find it so but that is because they are just as clueless as Joe Public. I have said it before and will say it again, people that work in mental health need to understand the patience and sensitivity required when dealing with someone with BPD., they have no excuse, but I can understand when regular people outside of the profession find the illness extremely overwhelming, but all I can say to that is, try walking in my shoes!
From a demographical point of view, if we label the number one as extreme depression and number ten as complete euphoric mania. The average person fluctuates between four and six. Someone with Bi-Polar may have long periods of nine and then long periods of two and not much in between. Someone with BPD may go up and down the entire scale, rapidly in short amounts of time and may feel only numbness in between.
The truth is I am fighting every day. I fight the urges of self-destruction, if not for myself then for my loved ones. The same loved ones that have absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to get through every single day, I don’t blame them, it is not their fault, if I don’t communicate, how can I expect them to know and understand. There are preconceptions, age, heritage and logistics to contend with and I don’t have the strength, I don’t have all the answers to help them help me. When I am irrational, I get so angry with people but I take it out on myself. I get convinced that no one cares, that I am unworthy of affection, love and care off others. I feel completely left behind, others flourish whilst I diminish and that seems to just be the way life goes at the moment. I can’t see things getting much brighter for me but I write to make others happy, to educate, to allow people to identify and not feel alone, to give others hope. I am so pleased to have developed this skill of writing therapeutically, writing the truth and helping others.
If any readers know me personally, please just say hi to me now and again as it means so much. You don’t need to ask how I am, you are not a therapist and I am not your client, we don’t need to be so heavy, just saying, “Hi” lets me know that you appreciate my existence. If you share the details of my blog, www.adiaryfromnoone.couk or follow me on twitter, @adiaryfromnoone follow my facebook page, adiaryfromnoone and actually click the links, read what I have to say, I do keep note and knowing that I have accomplished views is about the only thing that makes me acknowledge the possibility that I may indeed actually have some worth. If sharing my pain and suffering helps others out there with an even smaller voice contend with their issues, it is worth it. So please keep reading and sharing, accompanying me on this roller-coaster-ride of BPD express.

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