A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #family (page 2 of 2)

Happier without me..

Treading on eggshells most of my youth,
Conscious of others emotions,
I withdrew from sharing my truth.
Walking on a tightrope throughout adolescents,
Withholding from disobedience,
Out of respect.
Missing out on being young and care free,
Experimental,
Testing every boundary,
Unknowing that such characteristics are essential,
For ones development,
In order to become a wholesome being.
I can reflect,
Analyse,
And try to process,
But never go back,
As time for me stands still,
The hands of the clock keep ticking forward,
Everyone seems to be on a different path than I,
And I cannot help but wonder why?
Did I create this distance?
This parting between us?
Is this my punishment for wanting to die?
Suicidal behaviour is not based on a selfish lie,
But a complex compulsion,
Bigger than you or I,
Not to attention seek,
Not to gain pity,
But a desperate attempt to drain all sorrow,
And woes away,
A chance to wake from agony,
To sleep in peace forevermore.
I mean not to cause you pain,
And I wish I could explain,
None of this stops my love for you,
And I must accept that you can react in anyway that you want to,
To freeze me out now,
To make an easier good bye?
Seemingly a popular strategy?
Unfortunately,
The more you exclude me,
The weaker I become,
The gates and walls around me crumble,
Each time you drift away,
As we don’t speak,
All I have to hear is what the voices,
You come and go,
But they never stray,
And I alone must endure the horrible things that they do and say!
Watching you walk away,
Detach yourselves,
With no place for me,
Makes leaving this life more appealing,
But most of the time,
That is just a pain wrenching feeling,
Only when very unwell,
When this earth turns to hell,
And I see nothing,
Hear nothing,
Feel nothing,
But,
Pain,
Pain,
Pain,
Do I attempt to leave this mortal plane.
I am tiered of fighting,
And fighting alone,
You seem stronger and happier,
Without the weight of me in your zone,
The pictures,
The trips,
The days out,
Those happy moments,
You are happier without me,
And so I know if I leave,
You will continue to be!

Benjamin Cre Cre…

If I had a brother,
He would be none other,
Then the spitting image of you.
The things you do,
The things you say,
The way you are,
Is nothing but true.
You have the kindest of hearts,
Wise,
Talented,
Intuitive,
Spiritual,
And wholesome,
The sweetest of souls,
I could eat you whole,
My supportive friend,
I thank my lucky stars that you stumbled into my life,
At a time when we were both vulnerable,
We found one another,
Music brought us together,
We made a bond so unexpected,
So strong,
Two years later,
We are still bumbling on,
We will never part,
No matter what,
Our mutual connection through art,
Will never cease or die,
Until the bitter end,
I thank my lucky stars,
Because you are a true,
True,
Best friend.

Social Friends In Cyber Media…. Cysober…

For the blaggers,
The bull-shitters,
The false friends,
And fake lovers!
All of my Cysober sister’s and brother’s.
The people that, “like” without opening your post.
The people that comment without reading your post.
The selfies,
The tagging,
The Internet bragging,
Attention seeking,
Sob stories,
The bitchy comments,
Exclusion,
The hott list,
The not list,
The group chats,
The blanking,
The rants,
The pestering (guilty as charged),
The sharing,
The over sharing,
The overbearing,
Ignoring,
Blocking,
The friend requests,
The stranger requests,
The stalking,
Not messaging back,
The friend count,
The like count,
The video watched count.
The chain messages,
Advertising,
Chastising,
Grooming,
Bullying,
Pranking,
Punking.
The people from your past,
The insincere,
The numbers mean nothing,
The live video’streaming, mantras and selfies a facade!
In this instance my intentions are genuine,
I am here,
I am asking for your help!?…
The majority of you will not read this,
The rest won’t know what I am talking about,
Because this isn’t about fashion or reality TV,
Perhaps it should be…
Reality TV,
But this is an opportunity to make positive change for charity!
JustGiving/JadeLaurie-Hart
Please donate/share/help me,
Help others!?
www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk

Listen to Cyscober by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

We Can No Longer Deny it, December 1st Is Here…

As Christmas is nigh,
I look up at Santa’s map,
The starlit sky,
Where he shall sleigh his mighty sack.
December is here,
I feel nothing but cold,
The young ones full of cheer,
Ba Humbug I am getting old,
But as Christmas is near,
Children write their lists,
In hope of getting many gifts,
To be bestowed upon them December 25th!

Happy Christmas 🎅 one and all. December can be a lonely time for anyone and everyone, be Kind and make it known that you care for the good people in your life. From a mental health point of view, I have struggled, relapsed and been in Crisis over many Christmas periods. I was in a mental health hospital through the Christmas period a few years back, I remember being permitted hospital leave on December 25th and relaxing with my Mum, Step Dad, Sister and late Grandfather, it was magical. While the lucky ones enjoy lavish gifts, the even luckier ones enjoy friends, family and festive cheer. Enjoy your Christmas but be mindful of those on the streets, the elderly who are lonely and feel forgotten, the sick children in hospital and their parents and families, the lonely, the suicidal and unwell. Please share this link, it is easy to forget the unfortunate during the hustle, bustle, preparation and celebration of Christmas. A little acknowledgement and a smile may be small and effortless to you but mean the world to another.
Merry Christmas From No One xxx

My Prayer Is Strong…

Gently bathing her,
Intimately easing off the dirt,
It melted off like hot butter.
As I scrubbed,
Buffed,
And polished her.
With every layer of skin,
She released all within,
She revealed her true self to me,
Her tongue set free.
This old and frail shell,
Had many stories to tell.
Under the spotlight,
She spoke of all of her secrets kept.
To know them,
I understand why perhaps she has said and done things that she never should,
I think anyone would,
She is no saint,
But a goddess to me.
A strong and undeterred survivor,
Yet a fragile child within,
Tangled in webs of lie’s,
Deceit,
And sin.
It would not be easy to walk in the shoe’s that she has lived in.
Unpredictable,
Sometimes harsh and brash,
Mind games,
Inappropriate,
She could dismiss you like trash.
But time and time again,
No matter what,
Where,
Or when,
I will always go back to her,
Again and again,
Forgive her,
Again and again,
Because this frail creature,
With a sharp and snake like tongue,
Once independent and strong,
Is getting older,
Knocking on.
Many obstacles in life she has overcome,
But time is not one that anyone can run from.
I vow to be a shoulder for her to lean upon.
Unconditionally I love her,
And I will try to be there for her,
Our love and bond together is strong,
I want her in my life,
Not to be gone.
So the universe and angels,
It is you I call upon,
May it be selfish,
Or selfless,
My prayer is strong,
I do not want to loose her or for her to be gone!

The heart of Malaga

As I sit in this holy place,
I try to make sense of what is and can be,
Does faith draw in tranquility?
Or does tranquility draw in faith?
I don’t suppose either/or really matters,
What matters is that one is at one with one’s self,
Enabling us to feel joy and purpose in the presence of life.
Religion can make you feel alive,
Part of a community,
Loved,
Heard,
Significant
And understood,
But it can also cause terror,
Ostracise people,
Take away your voice,
Label you impure or a sinner,
Shun you,
Leaving you feeling judged,
Disconnected,
In doubt of all that you know and rules that you abide,
And extremely misunderstood!
My question is,
Is there a happy medium?
Sitting in this aesthetically beautiful church building,
With monumental history,
Draped like the crown jewels throughout,
It exuberates wealth,
With lavish gold architecture.
It oozes with glamor and fortune,
Quite the opposite from humble tranquility.
I know not the correct answer to my question.
I know not how I feel entirely,
Being agnostic and all,
But despite the grand facade of gold and riches,
Despite my reservations of religion when in comparison to science,
This place still seems somewhat sacred.
Whether it be the familiar and universal pattern of service from the priest?
The people from near and far,
Foreign and native in prayer?
I do most definitely feel welcome here,
And perhaps,
Admittedly,
A tingle of God’s presence.
Faith did not lead me there,
Nor a desire for tranquility,
It was more about curiosity,
But I believe I left with a little of both,
How long it will last,
I cannot guarantee,
But I definitely left with a slice of faith and tranquility.

But What is BPD?

Are you better now? You look well? Are you doing well?

Unfortunately I am not better now! I spent twenty-two day’s in hospital, and yes I got discharged, but please do not be under any illusion that I am now well. I was ill before I went to hospital and still ill when I came out, I just got through a crisis under supervision and twenty-four hour care, without it, I would not still be here but don’t be fooled, it has happened before and it will most likely happen again. My struggles are not over. Good make-up and hair only disguise what is really going on inside, of cause I look well if I have spent two hours grooming and getting ready before venturing outdoors, most days I am at home, make-up free, messy hair and stuck in my pyjama’s.
BPD is not the common flu or a cold; it is a deep rooted mental health illness and something that (although for a long time, unbeknown to me) I have had for most of my life, if not its entirety.
These are the worries, feelings and emotions that I personally go through every single day but try to suffer in silence;
• Can’t see forward
• Irrational
• Distrust of anyone who says that they like or love me
• Self-Conscious
• Intense empathy for others but not myself
• Day to Day/Hour/Hour highs and lows
• Low self-worth
• Helpless
• Unable to connect with or accept any of my, “Positive Traits”
• Impulsive
• Self-Destructive
• Suicidal
• Fear of abandonment
• A bad judge of character
• Numbness
• Misunderstood
• Unloved
• Unwanted
• Beyond help
• Isolated
• Alone
• Unable to sustain positive relationships
• Unable to recognise the difference between good and bad relationships
• Unworthy and distrusting of love from friends and family
• Self-Loathing
• Feeling left behind
• Feeling stuck
• Feeling betrayed
• Feeling all good odd’s are stacked against me
• Undesirable
• Scared
• Hopeless
• Helpless

Where does all of this come from and why does it happen? In order to get diagnosed with BPD, you need to suffer from at least five out of the following nine symptoms. I unfortunately tick all of the boxes. The symptoms are as follows;

• Abandonment issues- False promises, if people go AWOL, getting cancelled on by people or if an event that I have planned to go to doesn’t happen, it is the end of my world.
• Unstable and intense relationships- Fall in love extremely quick, fall out of love but feel better as part of a two instead of being alone, worry about love being unreciprocated, tolerate cruel behaviour.
• Identity disturbance- Shift of idea’s thoughts and personality. Big thoughts, dreams and ideas, followed by fear of failure, low self-esteem, low self-worth, no confidence.
• Impulsivity and self-damaging- Over spending, substance abuse, promiscuity, reckless behaviour, self-harm/mutilation.
• Recurrent Suicidal Behaviour- No regards to others or rational thinking, all is black and everything hurts so much, you lose all regards to life.
• Mood swings- constant up’s and down’s.
• Feeling Empty and Lonely- Disconnected to the world, all living things and myself.
• Anger and aggression towards others or one self- A loss of control, all morals and principles dissolve and in the moment a lot of damage may occur.
• Stress Related Paranoia- Psychosis or impulsiveness leads to uncontrolled dissociative behaviour.
Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has a heart; they are both as crucial and integral as each other when it comes to life and living. Some people’s hearts and mental health may not function as well as others!
BPD is actually a very common illness, even celebrities both past and present have apparently suffered from it, research suggested Tennessee Williams, Marilyn Monroe, Lady Gaga (don’t quote me) but it is not as well-known as other mental health illnesses like Bi-Polar or Schizophrenia for example. If people do get into contact with it, it is very misunderstood because of the varying emotions, the symptoms are fast and rapid and so therefor without a complete understanding of the illness it can come across as intense and most probably frustrating. I know that mental health professionals find it so but that is because they are just as clueless as Joe Public. I have said it before and will say it again, people that work in mental health need to understand the patience and sensitivity required when dealing with someone with BPD., they have no excuse, but I can understand when regular people outside of the profession find the illness extremely overwhelming, but all I can say to that is, try walking in my shoes!
From a demographical point of view, if we label the number one as extreme depression and number ten as complete euphoric mania. The average person fluctuates between four and six. Someone with Bi-Polar may have long periods of nine and then long periods of two and not much in between. Someone with BPD may go up and down the entire scale, rapidly in short amounts of time and may feel only numbness in between.
The truth is I am fighting every day. I fight the urges of self-destruction, if not for myself then for my loved ones. The same loved ones that have absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to get through every single day, I don’t blame them, it is not their fault, if I don’t communicate, how can I expect them to know and understand. There are preconceptions, age, heritage and logistics to contend with and I don’t have the strength, I don’t have all the answers to help them help me. When I am irrational, I get so angry with people but I take it out on myself. I get convinced that no one cares, that I am unworthy of affection, love and care off others. I feel completely left behind, others flourish whilst I diminish and that seems to just be the way life goes at the moment. I can’t see things getting much brighter for me but I write to make others happy, to educate, to allow people to identify and not feel alone, to give others hope. I am so pleased to have developed this skill of writing therapeutically, writing the truth and helping others.
If any readers know me personally, please just say hi to me now and again as it means so much. You don’t need to ask how I am, you are not a therapist and I am not your client, we don’t need to be so heavy, just saying, “Hi” lets me know that you appreciate my existence. If you share the details of my blog, www.adiaryfromnoone.couk or follow me on twitter, @adiaryfromnoone follow my facebook page, adiaryfromnoone and actually click the links, read what I have to say, I do keep note and knowing that I have accomplished views is about the only thing that makes me acknowledge the possibility that I may indeed actually have some worth. If sharing my pain and suffering helps others out there with an even smaller voice contend with their issues, it is worth it. So please keep reading and sharing, accompanying me on this roller-coaster-ride of BPD express.

6 deaths in 11months…

6 deaths in 11months,
They do say that these things all come at once,
I can’t understand it,
It’s just so sad,
Think about it to much and it will turn you mad.
I feel like things should ground to a halt,
If we shout loud and protest,
It’s got to be someone’s fault!?
Why these people keep leaving I do not know.
Is there a Heaven?
I truely hope so.
A place of rest?
Or happiness?
Until we walk in the shadow of death,
We will never know,
If there is such a place,
They all very much deserve to go!

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