Unrequited Love

If you get knocked down, you get back up. If you fail a test, you take it again.You don’t get the job, you apply for another. You have a bad break up, you look for another fish. If you put on weight, you go back to the gym. If you miss an appointment, you re-book another. If you fall, you pick yourself back up. For those of us that weren’t born with a silver spoon in our mouths, I believe that, that is the general ethos of most of our lives. For those of us who haven’t had everything handed on a plate, we build up a resilience and thick skin which helps us to keep moving forward rather then stay stuck or going under. We learn to fight! We learn to not take things to heart and persist on making our dreams a reality.
When it feels like all is lost and all hope has gone, you loose the fight in you. Not used to being a walk over, being vulnerable, when things are out of your hands, when you have done your utmost-best and cannot control an outcome it takes some getting used to.
If I were to ask you what you believe is guaranteed in life, what would you say? The way I feel right now, I would say nothing, nothing is guaranteed, not everything out there is available to you, life is not a fairytale and not all of our dreams are going to come true. Some people thrive off this, the competitive streak in them makes them believe that anything can be accessible to you if you want it enough. There are loop holes and if you dig hard enough, you just might find them, but you have to fight. The one thing that I wish was guaranteed is love, unconditional love.It may be hard for us to obtain that off friends or a partner but one would hope that we at least get it off our family, our immediate family. I have always had the love off my mother which is amazing and I a truly grateful. Knowing that I wasn’t planned, that I was a mistake, doesn’t matter because from the moment that I was born, she loved me. The lack of love and rejection from my biological father hurt like hell when he was a constant no show, when he failed to commit to seeing me, or spending time with me, it was simply earth shattering as a vulnerable child. I am not sure I will ever get over him ceasing our relationship and disowning me via text a week before my eighteenth birthday, that was the only promise that he ever kept. Thirteen years later, I wouldn’t say it hurts any less, I have just thickened my resilience and shelved it all somewhere out of sight and mind. I have been lucky enough to be accepted my my step-father later on in life and now have an idea of what love from a Dad can be like. He even offered to adopt me but of cause by then I was to old and it was to late but that does not weaken the sentiment.I have two younger half sisters and a brother on my dads side, the oldest girl was given the same name as I at birth, if that is not an example of being replaced and rejected, I do not know what is. I have tried to re-conceal the brief relationship that I have had with two of them, I have only had the privilege of meeting the youngest when she was a baby and I haven’t a clue of how to get in touch with her. The other Jade has blocked me from face book but I have corresponded with my brother throughout the year. I was delighted to discover that he is since with child. I am an aunty. I wrote him a very long message about how proud I am and expressed how delighted that I would be if he would allow me to be apart of both his and his family’s life. His response was unexpected and extremely hard to hear. He said that he has no time for me as he is extremely busy with work, university, his partner, the new born and his immediate family. I would have thought that I was his immediate family? We may not know each other that well but we share the same blood. Perhaps the blood of a neglectful, heartless man but none the less, the same blood.His rejection was like a stab in the heart. All the memories of my last encounter with my biological father came flooding back, begging him to love me, accept me, acknowledge me and him just out right saying no and walking away whilst I cried inconsolably at the public place of his work. That along with my sisters rejection and now my brothers whilst I am currently in a vulnerable stage in my life bought me to tears. I had already had an emotional day full of panic and anxiety. I did not expect such a response off my brother and although I must respect his decision, I cannot help but feel sickened by his rejection.I do not understand why I am being punished. He has a special place in my heart and I do not understand why it is not reciprocated. I am in constant pursuit of unconditional love, I have so much love to give and yet it is often unrequited. How I can move on from this, I do not know. I do not want to turn into a sceptical, bitter individual. is it greedy that I crave love so much? I look around and others seem to obtain it so easily, why can’t I?I am the cliché of a creative and poetic spirit that only wants to just be loved and be loved in return. I am Christian from, ” The Moulin Rouge”. Apart from I have almost given up on achieving love in a romantic form. Still, the one thing that I would hope to be guaranteed in this world is, love. Yet I am starting to believe the only thing guaranteed is, death. A nurse once told me, “If you want unconditional love, get a dog!” I endeavour to, once I reside in a place that my tenancy permits it. I am sure a canine friend for life will give me hope in the future when all feels lost.
I hope that this particular blog does not seem to doom and gloomy as it has been very therapeutic to voice my woes. Acknowledgement is key.