A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #existance (page 1 of 2)

The Beast…

Today I feel the presence of the beast. I call depression the beast because it is the perfect name for it. It sprawls out over my body from head to toe, the burden of the weight makes me feel so heavy, I can’t get up out of bed. It’s teeth sink into my brain and like a virus, it filters its poison throughout my entire body. My eyelids are heavy, I cannot open them. Hypnotised and paralysed I lye down, asphyxiated and comatose, I just cannot get up. All plans unfulfilled, I lay in my bed. The law of physics expand beyond reason and gravity keeps me down. Like a pirate ship, my brain usually swings up and down, left to right, the highs and the lows. Today there is no light. No up’s. No highs. Merely darkness and only down. I want to get up. I want to do the things that I have to do. I can’t because I am bed ridden, with loss of all control, I simply cannot move. Drowsy, my state of mind drifts from conscious to unconscious repetitively. I need to eat. I need light and life but the beast holds me down!
The voices are constant. They urge me to take an overdose, to cut myself and bleed, bleed out until I die. With all of my might I plead to the beast, “Please let me go, let me get up, let me seek help?” He laughs and applies more pressure, weighs me down further.
I want to be well and able, I want to confide in someone, seek help but I now feel worthless, unworthy of any help at all. I turn my phone off and suffer in silence, give in to the beast that has devoured all hope.
Scared and so very alone, I wish with the little strength that I have left, I wish that these feelings will pass. I try to think of the good, caring, constant, stable, empathetic and loving people in my life. There are but a few, but a few all the same! The hope gets pushed down and I am left with only paranoia and doubt! Does anyone really care? All that I have is the beast, perhaps if I obey and succumb, he will be less nasty, less controlling. If I accept him, maybe his grasp will ease. I will do anything for this madness to stop. Anything. I cut and bleed and cry, then cut and bleed and cry, and then cut and bleed and cry some more. I seek calm, peace and contentment, it is all so very unobtainable until….until… until… it softens, the beast loosens his grip, my heartbeat starts to regulate, I can move! I can breath! He hasn’t gone, not completely but it’s over… for now!…

Lies disguised in lullaby’s…

It’s not as easy as I had hoped it would be,
As it potentially could be,
But I don’t blame you,
Of cause I blame myself,
That’s just what I do,
But I don’t mean to put pressure on you.
I blame the fairy tales,
The “Little” white lies,
That help you fantasise through innocent eyes.
The dreams that your peers encourage,
The lies.
They know that fairy-god mother’s, giant peaches, enchanted wardrobes and kissing frogs,
Are all incorrect and officially unobtainable.
They pump you up full of air,
Pretending to care,
Like fattening and grooming an animal before slaughter,
Showing love,
Sharing warmth and affection before chopping off their heads,
Only to watch us pop,
Deflate and drop.
Our eyes then open to the black and grim grey of reality,
Where nothing is certain but fatality.
There is no magic.
All is bleak.
The streets are not paved with the gold that you seek,
But drenched in blood from the past, present and future.
Divorce and prenups are our ever after.
There is no happy,
It’s a complete disaster,
Would it be easier should we have always been told the truth?
Do they hold it back at our expense?
Or to encourage some hope before all is lost?
Lies disguised in lullaby’s,
Until we grow old and realise,
The truth.

Ain’t Ever Coming Back

Upsy Daisy,
Upside Down,
Whilst Life Is Spinning Round And Round,
Once Head Strong,
Old Head On Young Shoulders,
Instead Of Progression,
Dropped Down To Regression,
A Child Again.
Old Head,
Young Mind,
How It Happened I Cannot Describe,
But I Hope To Figure It All Out With You By My Side.
I Can’t Afford Nor Manage A Compromise.
Off Track.
Ran Off The Road.
Not Like You.
I Will Strive To Get On The Right Side.
Stop Standing Still,
Or Going Backwards,
And Find The Yellow Brick Road,
That Leads To The Gold And All Things Shiny And Nice.
God Forbid I Loose My Way Again.
Go Down The Wrong Path.
This Route Twice Over,
I Could Not Hack.
If I Find The Strength,
I Ain’t Ever Coming Back.

Disconnected

So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Having control.
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Completely separate,
Friction sparks,
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Complete overdrive,
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.

Relationships with an adult with BPD/EUPD

Relationships with someone with BPD/EUPD (Borderline Personality Disorder/ Emotionally unstable Personality Disorder)

This one is important and very specific to my life right now. As I research it, I would like you to accompany me.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, given out love and acceptance quite easily but often found that it has not been reciprocated.
I love people, loving people and making friends. Having to move back to Birmingham has been tough as your friends in London, especially when you haven’t been raised there and move there as an adult, friends in London become as good as family. I miss them all everyday (you know who you are, or at least you should do!).
People have always come and gone in my life, especially when I was on the acting circuit, you form fantastically strong bonds with these wonderfully new people and then when the job finishes… POOF! They all disappear back to their original loved ones, as do you, with your buddies.
I am not naturally the argumentative type but I do realise that I can be quite challenging, especially when intoxicated (I’ve not grown out of that one)! I know that I can be quite intense, I have always struggled in romantic relationships, picking the wrong guys, saying and doing the wrong thing and getting myself into trouble.
Apart from the acting bubble stuff that I mentioned previous and relationships with friends from school, college and drama school that petered out. As an adult, I have never fallen out with as many people as I have this past year!
Some friendships don’t last forever, that is standard, they just fizzle out, and with the stability of your really good friends/family. Friendships that pass don’t have any lasting, emotional repercussions.
Without naming names, an old school friend just wiped me from her life and a few ladies that I recently befriended have now terminated our friendships and called me, “Selfish”, accused me of, “playing the victim” and felt the need to remind me that I am indeed, “BLACK, you know!”
I must stress that this blog is not about revenge or accusations but to enable me to draw from experience and move forward. At the same time, I would like to home in on the fact that it is 2015 and such comments about the colour of my skin are not acceptable! I live in England, I was born here and I am English. Saying that, I do embrace my culture, which is Caribbean descent. I know about black history and my family history but being second generation English I pride myself in being a modern day black woman. I am more then aware that I am black but not aware that because of this, I should act, think or talk in a certain way!? It is ignorant to assume that I am not aware of the colour of my skin and barbaric that someone of similar heritage should feel the need to remind me so. This topic is not worth discussing further.
If I was selfish, I would not care about what they have said or be bothered at their choice to cease our friendships. Instead of playing /being the victim (which I don’t believe that I do, I share a lot because I find it therapeutic and nurturing, the purpose of my blog has never been and never will be designed to gain sympathy from my readers) I have decided to put the shoe on my other foot and explore what being friends and/or having a relationship with someone with BPD/EUPD is like, In order to understand how people perceive me.
I have a mental illness, well several actually, but it’s not all of me. I try to embrace it and I am trying to live and deal with it. I accept it and the people in my life need to be aware and accept it also. I am no angel, and I don’t claim to be. This is not about excuses and/or trying to hide behind my diagnosis. It’s about learning, because sometimes things just aren’t that simple.
Communicating with someone with BPD/EUPD
“Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking to the borderline adult to arguing with a small child. People with BPD/EUPD have trouble reading body language or a conversation. The borderline adult may say things that are cruel, unfair or irrational. The fear of abandonment can cause the borderline adult to overreact to anything perceived so, no matter how small and their aggression can result in impulsive fits of rage, verbal abuse or even violence.” HELPGUIDE.ORG
This makes sense to me, I am emotionally unstable and I do fear abandonment and rejection but I am more of a danger to myself then anyone else.
“The problem for people with BPD/EUPD is that the disorder distorts both the messages that they hear and those that they try to express. BPD/EUPD expert and author Randi Kreger likens it to, ‘having aural dyslexia, in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways and devoid of context.’” HELPGUIDE.ORG
Well I am the regular kind of dyslexic anyway and often seem to get the wrong end of the stick and so this also makes sense to me.
If you don’t acknowledge that the person with BPD/EUPD has behavioural symptoms rather than physical symptoms that are obvious and you can physically see. If you don’t accept that people with BPD/EUPD do not choose to have the illness, do not enjoy it and cannot control it and/or recognise it in times of crisis, then of cause we will wind you up and tire you out. They are sparse, but in moments of clarity, I do have the ability to reflect. I usually beat myself up but have learnt from writing and researching that it isn’t always my fault. The brain is an organ like many others in our bodies and it can have a defect like all of the others. The brain is not magically exempt from ailments, it can fracture, it can break and support can help you heal. Not malicious comments or inaccurate accusations but patience and a little understanding.
If you have a relationship with me for example, I do interpret things differently from most. I may well take offence when none was intended. I may seem angry, moody, unreasonable, erratic, and it may seem unprovoked but things that you do or say, the environment and my temperament can trigger irrational emotions in me. I can switch from happy to sad in a nanosecond and constantly feel that people are out to get me, judging me, winding me up and in an act of desperation, wanting to be loved desperately, I lose the plot! I make accusations and do and say things that I don’t mean. I feel unconfident, unworthy, and almost dirty (my psychosis symptoms and hallucinations add to my paranoia). Trying to fight for acceptance, I am lead to believe that I come across full on and therefore push people away, which is exactly the opposite to what I intend to do!

BPD/EUPD relationships are often tricky because traits of the illness are low emotional intelligence, impulsive aggression, rejection sensitivity and childlike characteristics. None of which are deliberate or personal towards you the friend/partner. Please bare this in mind when in an altercation with someone with BPD/EUPD, and if you are having the altercation with me, please know that I am working on myself and in constant pursuit of being a better person. I never intend to hurt or offend anyone and only hope to be treated the same in return.
The internet is full of facts about BPD/EUPD, some of it applies to me and some of it doesn’t, but the fine line is… no one is perfect! If you don’t care enough to pursue a relationship with someone, then perhaps don’t lash out and accuse them of this and that, don’t just abandon them, be tactful and bear in mind that people can be delicate, take some responsibility and be amicable. It takes two to tango.

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be!

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be! You think it’s bad for you? It is even worse for me. I don’t understand it but will try to explain it…
My emotions are far to random to put on a timescale, my mood changes are frequent yet inconsistent. There doesn’t have to be a trigger, or perhaps what triggers me off at one moment, will not effect me another.
I am indeed sensitive, that plus the paranoia and psychosis, makes the simplest encounters and/or communication with others rather difficult for me. The wrong look can set me off, let alone physical contact or conversation.
Some day’s seem so much harder for me to get through then others. A good day or two usually results in a bad day or two, as if I am being punished for doing well. My whole body aches. My thoughts become overwhelming, I long for silence and rest but something bad inside of me fights and talks of knives, self harm and suicide.
I try to analyse, understand, pick apart how I am feeling, what I am feeling, why I am feeling, also what I am not feeling and why at times I am so vacant and numb.
I know that my mental health condition was noticed and flagged by professionals when I was only sixteen years of age, but I was not told or officially diagnosed until I was twenty-nine years of age. Research has lead me to believe that they witheld that information as an attempt to protect me, giving me a chance to ride it out alone, hoping that it may pass with adolescents but they were wrong to do so. You wouldn’t witheld physical information about a patient, for example, not tell someone that they have a broken leg and without offering care or medication, send them on their way. It sounds ludicrous! Why would medical professionals ever knowingly send an ill patient away without care and treatment? Research suggests that should you still have a personality disorder after your twenties, it becomes harder to heal and move on, harder to learn from and shake off the symptoms, harder to pursue a career and find ones place in society.
Some research suggests, “The course of Borderline Personality Disorder is quite variable. Borderline personality disorder is likely to remit(50% by 2yrs, and 85% by 10yrs) and once it remits, it usually does not relapse. Unfortunately after 10yrs, only about 20% have stable relationships and employment).” I have had it fifteen years. Where does that leave me?
So what the hell is this illness that I have got! This illness that along with depression and anxiety, leads to psychosis and has catapulted me to four different mental health hospitals in the past three years, lead me to self harm, take overdoses, to resent myself and my life, to loose rationalism and priorities, forget loved ones and crave darkness, silence, solitude and death?
Research offers the following diagnostic criteria, “Emotionally unstable (Borderline) personality disorder is characterised by definite tendancy to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable capricious (sudden and unaccountable behaviour). There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendancy to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted (prevented) or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterised predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the Borderline type, characterised in addition by disturbances in self image, aims and internal preferences, by chronic feeling of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendancy to self destructive behavior, including suicide gestures and attempts.”
Well that is me to in a nut shell! I am undertaking therapy, support, medication and regularly engage with my community nurse. I have just come out of a terrible spell of self harming, although this time I am aware of the cause, loosing two family members, one of which that I loved unconditionally, was an awful lot to handle. I feel the creeps of something beginning as I type, something has been emerging since yesterday, this is why I am writing this blog, to try and channel some rationalism but more fool me to be honest. I cannot distract myself all day, everyday but perhaps at least, this will give you an insight to my peculiar behaviour and marginally explain what is going on with me.
I share to inform those who care, educate those who are intrigued, give knowledge and comfort to those who relate and to filter out those who are small minded, vain, ignorant and shallow. This site lays my cards on the table, should anyone fear, not understand, refuse to acknowledge, be put off by my honesty and conditions, leave before I get to know you and become attached. May honest blogs like this filter the bad from the good, sincere to insincere, I invite you to reject me at the first hurdle as it will hurt less then the last.

And together we shall always be…

My eyes wonder up to the sky,
Where Angle’s and spirits lie.
I know that you travel across land and sea,
But sparkle in the sky and so I can see,
I feel you in my heart and all around,
Even though you don’t make a sound,
I know that you are protecting me,
And together we shall always be.

I die alone…

Why is it that I am consumed with misery and destined for misfortune? A rotten egg, the runt of the litter, I was dealt the hand of disappointment. No matter which direction that I take, all rotes are filled with poison. Given an enormous heart, full of love, crushed and never to be loved in return. I repel all potential suiters. From family to friends and lovers, deserted by all and destined for a life alone. There is no remedy. My heart was built to love, but cursed, I shall never receive it. My heart, like a machine propels, searches and targets those to love but unsuccessful, self combusts. Crushed. I feel the heavy pangs in my chest. How cruel is natures path? To allow me to love so deeply and desire almost desperately, yet nothing in return. People don’t understand. How could they, if they don’t know this pain. I wish it upon anyone. I do not wish an explanation upon them, why burden them with my woes? I was born Alone and alone I shall die. Smothered with rejection from my very first day. My love like an infection. I pledge just to love and be loved in return but receive nothing but cold isolation. As to why, I shall never know. Banished to the outskirts of society. Out of sight, out of mind. They forget me, whilst all I do is think of them. Driven to madness, I slowly fade away. Unloved, without partner nor child, just a void of unhappiness. Wither, wither, I die alone.

Tonight you may sleep with the stars as tomorrow you will embark upon a new adventure xxx

A baby is born,
Thus begins the circle of life,
We celebrate.
Like fireworks we struggle and stumble,
Fall and get up again,
Make our journey through life.
We die,
We commiserate,
The never ending circle of life.

As I stare at the moon and and the stars,
Feel the breeze gently brush against my skin,
I try to connect and be with you somehow,
Feel you somehow.
Like lit lanterns floating up into the sky,
My memories escape me with each exhale that I take.
Connected,
I share them with you tonight because I need to be sure that you both knew and know how much I loved you.
Tomorrow we lie your body to rest,
Set you free to roam the galaxy and far beyond,
Whether it be heaven, the white place reincarnation or some other place unimaginable,
Don’t hang around to long for us.
We set you free.
Be free.
And one day, we shall meet again.
Until then,
with all of the love that we have in our hearts for you.
Please take comfort and pride yourself in knowing,
Our love for you will never die nor shall you ever be forgotten.
Rip, my Grandad John XXX

Possessed

Hello!
Are you me?
Or are you a stranger simply impersonating me?
Are you real?
Surely I couldn’t conjure up something/someone so evil?
So dangerous?
So bad for me?
Why can’t I permenantly shut you down?
At least lessen the noise?
I glimpse and grab hold of seconds of silence and almost remember feeling peace.
I obey your orders,
Craving some release.
I can barely remember life without you.
Life without this pain and misery.
The sadder that I am,
The stronger you seem to become.
There are theories about where this self hate springs from,
But we cannot confirm where you,
The parasite,
Sprang from.
Overwhelmed and overcome,
The weaker that I become,
Fuels your power to possess me.

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