Suicide Bets…

The manic times are the best,
You feel entitled to success,
Full of ideas,
Full of energy,
Laughter,
Fun,
Untouchable,
Witty,
Sometimes even pretty.
Then boom,
I hear a clap of thunder,
I see the lightning is very close,
It’s heading towards me,
Before I have time to even think,
I’m catapulted to the other border of the spectrum,
Down,
Suicidal depression.
I am weak,
All I do is sleep,
Exhausted from silencing the plan,
My thoughts are intrusive,
Actions inconclusive,
All alone,
Fearful of pushing people away,
Tight lipped,
I’m fighting,
But it could go either way.

Meteor…

The weather man likens to the psychic,
The rainfall likenes to the excretion of blood,
The thunderstorm is depression.
I am the teacher but also the student,
I haven’t planned the lesson, It is too late to learn,
The lack of resources prevent rehabilitation,
The meteor is now in sight,
Mission obliteration,
With a sharp cry,
The chapters and lanes of my mind dissolve,
This is the end,
And it cannot be resolved.

Roundabout…

Inspired by the TV show, West World…

See the record spinning?
Neither head nor tail,
Where’s the end or the beginning?
Round and around,
Full circle on demand,
Yet seemingly free,
Deceit!
Tis all engineered,
Placed by God,
Or something supernatural,
A force beyond our understanding,
It’s all engineered,
Designed,
Rigged,
Already chosen,
A hidden force manipulates,
What we perceive to be free Will.
Play,
Stop,
Skip,
Handle with care,
Delicately,
Avoiding wear and tear,
Scratch that,
And the sound will slack,
Skipping,
Trying to take it back.
It loops,
Circling like a hoola hoop,
Rhythm fast,
Rhythm slow,
Rhythm go,
Go,
Go,
Over and Over,
Because the master made it so.
A mirage of freedom,
In reality,
A soul trapped against its Will,
Destined only for fatality,
Things aren’t what they appear to be,
Russian roulette,
A fascade of tranquillity,
When really brutality,
A journey that you will endlessly repeat,
Yet we still forget,
The purpose as to why,
We do not know yet,
Bewitched,
Trickery,
We learn with regret,
And then we try to learn some more,
Starved with zero power,
I am mentally impaired,
But a sensitive suffragette,
Slightly aware that things are not right,
Stuck in an endless maze,
I hope for something more,
That there is some reason behind this treason,
But for now,
We lack control,
Lost in a game that we did not sign up for,
Chained to the tightest strings,
We are but puppets,
Stuck in a wretched game,
That we are forced to Play,
On this tainted roundabout,
In shades of grey.

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On My Own…

Sat home alone,
I cannot focus,
On anything but the bloody ticking tock,
Of my painfully loud clock.
Relentlessly kept anchored in the present,
I fester,
As I am a prisoner,
A slave captured by time,
Unable to hence forth,
Or recline,
Just stuck,
And endlessly out of luck.
What are the chances?
What did I do?
I would repent if I knew.
All I want is to love,
And be loved,
Like everyone else around me,
They make it look so easy,
And I welcome it with open arms,
But there is no love for me.
I can no longer depend on hope,
Delude myself that we are all deserved,
Of love,
And may receive it.
I have been looking,
Loudly,
Openly,
Scouting,
Foraging,
Wishing,
And wanting,
But just keep on,
Getting rejected,
Left and abandoned,
Falling,
Longing,
And failing,
I am worn out,
And I am torn.
How else can I take this but personally,
Now thirty-three,
Believe me,
I have sailed into the great unknown,
Searching for a lover to call mine own,
But it seems that love is not part of my destiny,
It turns out that there isn’t enough love for everybody,
And two shall not always become one,
We don’t all get that special someone,
To hold up and lean upon.
I must sink,
And sink alone,
But for all my writing in ink,
That shall follow me as I drown,
Like a dog to a bone,
My only companion,
As in the same pattern,
I shall leave this life alone,
Just as I came into it,
On my own.

I am so bored of this inprisonment..

I go from 100 to 0 within less then 24hrs every single day. I often still manage to smile but it only lasts a short while. When in good spirits with good people, it is often as if my sadness does not exist. When alone, I busy myself with this site and other things such like. Then there are dark times when I cannot bring myself to be around other people because emotions are contagious and I don’t want to bring other people down. Sometimes I reach out to people but people are busy with their own problems, happiness and general lives. What did I do so wrong to deserve this hex, this curse that aches my heart and burns my soul!? I feel deflated, defeated and cannot get did of this dark cloud that looms above my head, weighs down my shoulders and vacuums all of the goodness from within me. What kind of life am I living!? How can I keep the beast at bay? I try so very hard to live and fit into this world but I must confess how overwhelming it is. I sit and I cry. From the outside in I probably look a little distant at times, but if you could see inside. See the floors in the mechanics of my mind. Hear the constant war from inside my head. Asphyxiated by psychosis, anxiety and depression. When will it stop? When will I be able? I like it best when I sleep, sleep with a steady heartbeat and dream of being free. I awake to the nightmare of my reality and often wish that I did not wake at all. Some people live in a bubble, somewhere light and free. I habitate in a cold and dark, rotting cell. Little steps like a baby, I try to move forward and recover but I keep falling, keep failing and lagging behind. When I manage to keep up and stay on top, there are moments when I forget my ill health. Then I come crashing back down, hitting the ground hard, as gravity holds me down. All hopes and dreams of really living cease as goblins feast on my spirit and mood, swallowing anything good, whole. I cling on for the people I love, the people that I hate, not for myself, who would want to cling onto this! Is it something to do with the world being balanced? Did I just get the bad deal? I don’t understand why I feel the way I am feeling and I would never wish it upon anyone else.