Step Ladder Outa Hell…

I don’t believe that you are unwell,
You just keep putting yourself through some kind of hell,
Professing to be crazy,
When you are actually just lazy.
For absolutely no reason,
You’ve committed a self sabotage treason,
Putting your self in hell,
So you can just constantly dwell,
Taking it upon yourself you are just giving up,
Handed yourself over like an inanimat object,
An empty cup,
That they just continuously pour medication into,
To stop you from being you,
Because you claim to be ill.
I wish that you wasn’t so ignorant and so you could take away your pride,
And see the divide now between us,
You could have helped me,
You still can,
But you refuse to believe that I need it,
You refuse to accept what I have been diagnosed with,
And seem to think it all inside my head,
Although professionals themselves have said,
I do have have borderline personality disorder,
And it means my life is not in the same order,
I can no longer dream the same dreams,
At least for now,
Or accomplish the same things,
But I am still human!
More than anything I’m able to love and wish for love in return,
But my pain,
My suffering,
Has caused you pain,
I know,
And you suffering,
For this I am sorry,
That is why you are on auto pilot,
Which warrants your denial,
But you are no longer by my side,
I try to take it in my stride,
But it isn’t easy,
As I don’t want to make you feel any other way than love towards me,
But at the very least respect,
And belief.
I do not just make things up,
I am not just giving up,
Attention is not what I seek,
I want after healing.
I am unwell,
I don’t want to be,
If you could come to terms with this as well,
That will be my step ladder out of this hell!!!

Mental Health Awareness Day

There is no shame in admitting that you are suffering,
Impatient and unempathetic people may tire of hearing,
Struggling to recognise what you are feeling,
None believing because they are not seeing,
Ill mental health may appear to be invisible,
Some people need to see scans,
Broken bones and bleeding,
Or they suspiciously cross you off as deceiving,
And that is why we need to raise awareness,
There are other telling truths then seeing to believe in.
Struggling to get out of bed,
Find joy and motivation,
Psychosis consistent,
Becomes dominant,
Especially when support off others is infrequent,
Or none existant.
When your hallucinations are more common,
Than the occurance of communication off others,
Life is bleak,
You are a prisoner to darkness,
Unable to see any light,
Each day is a fright,
And there is only one way out.
Your friends loose interest.
Your family turn their backs,
The help is infrequent,
Your lover feels trapped,
It seems like you mean to push them all away,
But just like you don’t know what to do or say,
Neither do they.
Social media is false representation,
Liking a post is not interaction,
Real acknowledgment,
Or appreciation.
Choosing to not discuss life depending issues,
Does not make them disappear.
Invitations become less.
Not one text.
You are living your life,
Avoiding the mess.
Not grasping that your neglection interjects even more stress.
So instead of being strong
Firm,
Consistent,
You just slip away,
Awkwardly as you know not what to say,
Until one day it happens to you,
And you get it,
But it is all just a little to late.
Take responsibility in knowing the basics of understanding the power of the mind.
We all have mental health,
And therefor we can and most likely will,
All experience ill mental health to some degree,
So take the opportunity to understand and be prepared,
We are not all hero’s,
If you can’t,
Or don’t want to help others,
At least help yourself.
Once you understand,
Pass the baton,
The more we know,
The more that know,
The less stigma and exclusion,
More respect and inclusion,
Hopefully leading to saving lives.
We loose too many to suicide.
Rip to those that have gone,
In your memory may we be strong,
Join forces,
Learn healing,
And live on.

A tribute to a Legend…

“Crack is wack!”‘ She said,
But everyone has their vices,
Legendary and known to all,
But even the mighty can fall!
Acting, singing, dancing,
Performing was her game,
That was her art and passion,
But the drugs were her flame.
She didn’t know her own strength for true,
Got lost in drugs when feeling blue,
To see her through.
It was tragic how she died,
Not at all dignified,
She could have got help,
But in denial swore she was clean,
She lied.
Her memory lives strong,
We can still listen to song after song,
But she is dead, buried and gone.
Our Whitney,
The epitome of warranted fame and beauty,
Lost but not forgotten,
Her lyrics still ring true to me,
Timeless,
She lives on in our hearts.

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be!

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be! You think it’s bad for you? It is even worse for me. I don’t understand it but will try to explain it…
My emotions are far to random to put on a timescale, my mood changes are frequent yet inconsistent. There doesn’t have to be a trigger, or perhaps what triggers me off at one moment, will not effect me another.
I am indeed sensitive, that plus the paranoia and psychosis, makes the simplest encounters and/or communication with others rather difficult for me. The wrong look can set me off, let alone physical contact or conversation.
Some day’s seem so much harder for me to get through then others. A good day or two usually results in a bad day or two, as if I am being punished for doing well. My whole body aches. My thoughts become overwhelming, I long for silence and rest but something bad inside of me fights and talks of knives, self harm and suicide.
I try to analyse, understand, pick apart how I am feeling, what I am feeling, why I am feeling, also what I am not feeling and why at times I am so vacant and numb.
I know that my mental health condition was noticed and flagged by professionals when I was only sixteen years of age, but I was not told or officially diagnosed until I was twenty-nine years of age. Research has lead me to believe that they witheld that information as an attempt to protect me, giving me a chance to ride it out alone, hoping that it may pass with adolescents but they were wrong to do so. You wouldn’t witheld physical information about a patient, for example, not tell someone that they have a broken leg and without offering care or medication, send them on their way. It sounds ludicrous! Why would medical professionals ever knowingly send an ill patient away without care and treatment? Research suggests that should you still have a personality disorder after your twenties, it becomes harder to heal and move on, harder to learn from and shake off the symptoms, harder to pursue a career and find ones place in society.
Some research suggests, “The course of Borderline Personality Disorder is quite variable. Borderline personality disorder is likely to remit(50% by 2yrs, and 85% by 10yrs) and once it remits, it usually does not relapse. Unfortunately after 10yrs, only about 20% have stable relationships and employment).” I have had it fifteen years. Where does that leave me?
So what the hell is this illness that I have got! This illness that along with depression and anxiety, leads to psychosis and has catapulted me to four different mental health hospitals in the past three years, lead me to self harm, take overdoses, to resent myself and my life, to loose rationalism and priorities, forget loved ones and crave darkness, silence, solitude and death?
Research offers the following diagnostic criteria, “Emotionally unstable (Borderline) personality disorder is characterised by definite tendancy to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable capricious (sudden and unaccountable behaviour). There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendancy to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted (prevented) or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterised predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the Borderline type, characterised in addition by disturbances in self image, aims and internal preferences, by chronic feeling of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendancy to self destructive behavior, including suicide gestures and attempts.”
Well that is me to in a nut shell! I am undertaking therapy, support, medication and regularly engage with my community nurse. I have just come out of a terrible spell of self harming, although this time I am aware of the cause, loosing two family members, one of which that I loved unconditionally, was an awful lot to handle. I feel the creeps of something beginning as I type, something has been emerging since yesterday, this is why I am writing this blog, to try and channel some rationalism but more fool me to be honest. I cannot distract myself all day, everyday but perhaps at least, this will give you an insight to my peculiar behaviour and marginally explain what is going on with me.
I share to inform those who care, educate those who are intrigued, give knowledge and comfort to those who relate and to filter out those who are small minded, vain, ignorant and shallow. This site lays my cards on the table, should anyone fear, not understand, refuse to acknowledge, be put off by my honesty and conditions, leave before I get to know you and become attached. May honest blogs like this filter the bad from the good, sincere to insincere, I invite you to reject me at the first hurdle as it will hurt less then the last.

You don’t know!

You don’t know,
They do not see,
They cannot hear,
They believe all is well with me,
They fear me not.
I paint my face,
Put on a good show.