Why not?

After a mismatched relationship with someone far to young, immature and from a family which nightmares are made of, the idea of starting again with someone new seemed an exhausting prospect. Being ill and in and out of mental health hospitals over the last three years, living in the unfamiliar city of where I grew up, but had never been my home as an adult. I was living a lonely, isolated and somewhat reclusive lifestyle. I never thought that I would meet someone that could potentially be a romantic flame! With it being winter and Christmas around the corner, an empty social calendar and nothing but wind and rain outside, like anyone would… I felt lonely and felt a raging envy towards anyone who was fortunate enough to have a spooning partner! Lol!
I recently met someone online, it didn’t take long to sift threw the odd bods and find my new Prince. I had corresponded with a few guys, filtering the few good from the many bad. After experiencing way to many, “Dick Pics” then I cared for, guys asking me out on a date and then deleting my profile, chatting to men with babies, drug problems, anger management problems, foot fetishes, sex addictions, online dating seemed so far removed from the realms of reality.
The men were more entertaining then anything else. It was like the cyber version of EastEnders and I had the lead female role. (Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love EastEnders!) Somehow, whilst trawling through the non compatibles, I found the guy that I now call my boyfriend (it seems so strange to say it, sometimes surreal, I have to pinch myself on a daily basis as my low self esteem makes the reality of exclusively dating a man, a real human being, an actual gentleman has only been a fantasy for quite sometime.) The idea of someone liking me, accepting me, finding me physically attractive, wanting to get to know me, spend time with me seems so surreal as I have become accustom to being used, mistreated, disrespected, rejected and abandoned by men. Yet somehow the genre of the orientation of my online dating experience changed from. “Soap” to “Fairy-tale”. It’s early days but I really have made a connection with someone, a really lovely someone. As undeserved of this as my demons, paranoia and insecurities may make me feel, I will not let this one go without trying.
It’s no secret that I am unwell, that I have both manic and depressive episodes, that I am susceptible to psychosis and hallucinations, that I have attempted suicide more times then I can count on my one hand over the last three years, that I have self harming and self destructive tendencies and a rather vicious dermatological illness but none of these things seems to phase him. (He sounds a little to good to be true right? I promise that he is real not just someone that I have conjured up from my head, as other people have seen him, yes, sane people!)He has taken me from face value and seems to accept all of me, every last bit, from good to bad. This has already helped me start to look at myself in a new light, a more positive light.
I am a romantic idealist but I am no fool. Relationships have come and gone in my past and they will most likely do in my future but I don’t want to fixate on that. I am trying out just living in the moment, the present. Whatever illness I may or you may not have, it does not have to exclude us from happiness and companionship. After all, love is the best drug known to man. It’s not the right way round but I have always been a bit upside down. If someone else can like you, maybe you should/could like yourself. If someone else can love you, maybe you should/could love yourself. If others don’t segregate you from such possibilities, don’t segregate yourself. An illness does not a whole person make. Don’t let it restrict you from such possibilities. Maybe, just maybe there is enough out there for all of us. Whether it be romantic, platonic, from family or other, if you open yourself up to it, you might just receive it.
Mental health problems can be soul destroying, have us riddled in pain and surrounded by sadness, forming positive relationships just might give us the incentive that we need to wake up another day.
So reader, please open yourself up to new things this new year, join me and you may also find some happiness. Depression cuts us off, we fear that all doors are shut and locked and we feel stuck but what if one opens? You don’t know until you try. Worst case scenario, your fears were true, which wont come as a surprise to you. Should it open though… who knows what is in store for you?
Keep sane, be true to yourself, be strong,

Love from Noone. xx

Disconnected

So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Having control.
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Completely separate,
Friction sparks,
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Complete overdrive,
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.

And together we shall always be…

My eyes wonder up to the sky,
Where Angle’s and spirits lie.
I know that you travel across land and sea,
But sparkle in the sky and so I can see,
I feel you in my heart and all around,
Even though you don’t make a sound,
I know that you are protecting me,
And together we shall always be.

I die alone…

Why is it that I am consumed with misery and destined for misfortune? A rotten egg, the runt of the litter, I was dealt the hand of disappointment. No matter which direction that I take, all rotes are filled with poison. Given an enormous heart, full of love, crushed and never to be loved in return. I repel all potential suiters. From family to friends and lovers, deserted by all and destined for a life alone. There is no remedy. My heart was built to love, but cursed, I shall never receive it. My heart, like a machine propels, searches and targets those to love but unsuccessful, self combusts. Crushed. I feel the heavy pangs in my chest. How cruel is natures path? To allow me to love so deeply and desire almost desperately, yet nothing in return. People don’t understand. How could they, if they don’t know this pain. I wish it upon anyone. I do not wish an explanation upon them, why burden them with my woes? I was born Alone and alone I shall die. Smothered with rejection from my very first day. My love like an infection. I pledge just to love and be loved in return but receive nothing but cold isolation. As to why, I shall never know. Banished to the outskirts of society. Out of sight, out of mind. They forget me, whilst all I do is think of them. Driven to madness, I slowly fade away. Unloved, without partner nor child, just a void of unhappiness. Wither, wither, I die alone.

A quote from the wonderful Charles Dickens…

Great expectations, Miss Havisham, “It is wise not to plan the years ahead to completely, everything that was certain can change in a heartbeat!”

It just got me thinking. I used to be so sure, so confident, I believed that I knew myself, my worth and believed that my dreams and desires would come true. I thought that I knew my friends, who loved me and whom I loved in return. I had such great expectations. Where things went wrong, I do not know. I struggle with the memories of my past, the uncertainty of the present and daunting prospects of the future. I no longer have great expectations. Depression amongst other mental health problems has suffocated me and left but only a shadow of what I once knew, devowerd every expectation that I once had. Everything that was certain has changed. I am certain of nothing and nothing I have become. Once strong, now weak. I daren’t dream because they never come true.

Tonight you may sleep with the stars as tomorrow you will embark upon a new adventure xxx

A baby is born,
Thus begins the circle of life,
We celebrate.
Like fireworks we struggle and stumble,
Fall and get up again,
Make our journey through life.
We die,
We commiserate,
The never ending circle of life.

As I stare at the moon and and the stars,
Feel the breeze gently brush against my skin,
I try to connect and be with you somehow,
Feel you somehow.
Like lit lanterns floating up into the sky,
My memories escape me with each exhale that I take.
Connected,
I share them with you tonight because I need to be sure that you both knew and know how much I loved you.
Tomorrow we lie your body to rest,
Set you free to roam the galaxy and far beyond,
Whether it be heaven, the white place reincarnation or some other place unimaginable,
Don’t hang around to long for us.
We set you free.
Be free.
And one day, we shall meet again.
Until then,
with all of the love that we have in our hearts for you.
Please take comfort and pride yourself in knowing,
Our love for you will never die nor shall you ever be forgotten.
Rip, my Grandad John XXX

Fuck You!

No one had higher goals then I,
Anchors may have pulled me down,
But the light was in constant site,
Feet firmly on the ground,
There were no limits,
No hesitations,
Fearless,
My power of belief allowed me to fly,
I believed that anything was possible,
As long as you try.
I fear that I was deluded.
We don’t  always get what we want.
We often get punished with things that we don’t  want.
I look at you,
And the same rules clearly don’t  apply.
Everything comes so easy to you.
No flaws,
No quarms,
Unpunished,
Successful in all persuits.
Is it fate that made you considerably  luckier than I?
Did I get a bad hand and you get the good?
You have everything that we ever dreamed of,
Dreams that we shared.
You have it all,
Whilst I  have nothing,
and so please excuse me for resenting you.
It is personal.
You have everything that I want,
I have nothing,
And so,
Fuck You!

Me!

You can hold your breath,

but still be breathing.

You may close your eyes,

but you’ll still see.

Cover your ears,

but still tune in to our worlds symphony.

You can turn your back,

but I’ll still be,

Me!