2020

Oh 2020,
You have taken so much from us,
And given us plenty,
Of unwanted inconvenience,
Pain,
Debt,
And misery.
This pandemic,
Has turned the planet upside down,
Dam it!
Covid 19 will go down in history,
Murdered many,
Attacked many,
Annihilated freedom,
Seperating everybody,
Causing global suffering,
As we have had to contend with you.
From where hence you came is still a mystery,
But my goodness you have evoked enormous tragedy.
The government does not disclose everything,
But if you think,
There isn’t too much of a mystery,
The death rates shared connect only to the virus,
Not the neglected terminally ill that have been passed a side,
And the medical emergencies cast aside,
The homicides,
The suicides,
All connected,
As in one way or another,
We have all been affected,
Had snowball effects to contend with.
My mental health has suffered,
The uncertainty of this year brings huge cruelty to those vulnerable mentally,
Contending with the day to day,
Without support,
In this current climate,
Is beyond hard.
When you have mental health difficulties,
It is not just the paranoia and fear,
But the mistreatment,
Inaccuracy,
Incompetence,
Inconsistency,
The inability to provide care,
Has really shocked me,
And taken its toll.
I worry for those with nobody,
And wish I could personally help everybody,
Because I have empathy,
Which this year has confirmed to me,
Is completely lacking in the mental health industry,
At least with those whom are connected to me.
As Christmas time dawns,
I worry for those whom feel forgotten and lonely,
If you cannot connect with somebody,
I welcome you to contact and lean on me,
Because I am genuine,
I care sincerely,
About you and your mentality,
It’s not about job targets and a salery,
My kindness comes freely.
You deserve hope and Christmas cheer,
Just as much as anybody else,
I value your existence,
And want you to have a happy new year.
If not adiaryfromnoone,
As I am only one someone,
Try sane,
Mind,
The semaritans.
Your existence is a blessing,
So please fight to stay here with us,
Better days are ahead of us,
And I don’t want you to miss them.
It is OK to struggle,
You need not justify,
This year alone,
Is answer enough.
Just don’t keep it all in,
Lips buttoned up,
Release and be rid of your pain,
To stay healthy and sane.
Let us remember those we have lost this year,
Be weary of more deaths to come,
As the end of 2020 dawns,
We can leave it alone with its prickly thorns,
And be hopeful for better,
Safer,
Less isolated,
Happier days in 2021.

Group Therapy

It was unfortunately as bad,
If not worse then I expected,
I didn’t feel safe or accepted.
Put in a room with a bunch of rejects,
Unable to maintain their secrets.
I didn’t want to share,
I didn’t want to know,
From the moment that I got there,
I wanted to go.
The Stephen Merchant lookalike running the class,
He seemed insincere,
Clueless,
And invasive,
I didn’t warm to him,
Or anyone else.
I said no male therapist.
I said no groups.
Yet that is what I was given.
Perhaps if they had listened,
Today’s problems may not have risen.
The clammy hands,
The heart palpitations,
The tremors,
The panic,
The discomfort.
Mum seems cross,
Because I have writ it off,
But head down,
My tail between my legs,
I will go back again,
And again,
And again,
But I know that group therapy is not for me.
There is no compatibility.
My shoulders are heavy already,
My bones ache,
And my heart is broken.
I have so far to go,
I want self recovery,
I want help,
Not a lesson on others misery and history.
I appreciate that it is good to relate,
But their worries on top,
Make it very hard to concentrate.
I wont.
I can’t open up with others in the room.
I’m not there yet,
For that part of my journey,
It feels way to soon.

The burden of pain…

I sit for hours sometimes and I just can’t move! Body rigid, breathing short, my eyes flicker as deep and dark thoughts run through my head. I cannot talk. I cannot move. I cannot silence my thoughts. They are fast and sudden, random and separate. I close my eyes in hope of sleep, hoping to trade the thoughts for tranquillity but they still haunt me. The nightmare parades whether I am conscious or not. Glimpses of memories that I thought that I had forgot. I feel panicked. I feel hot. An escape route, there is not. Paralysed, I sit slumped unable to take control. A prisoner to my own mind. No escape, no solution or resolution. I have to endure it, this pain that is riddled throughout my mind, body and soul.