Alone

Is it possible to feel whole without another?
As we grow older,
More and more people seem to find each other,
Couple up,
Merge together,
One becomes two,
It’s very common,
What people seem to do.
Then comes three,
Four,
And maybe more,
Strength in numbers,
Wedding rings,
Erase casual and saucy flings,
Commitment and a future,
Trumps single hood and uncertainty,
And those left behind may as well drift out to sea.
They have forgotten the people whom are left alone,
People like me,
Without a thought,
Or any sympathy,
Because the couples now have a different reality,
They have completely forgotten what it is like to be lonely.
Excluded,
Now separated by category,
Roaming in the wilderness,
Alone,
Unhappy,
Despite trying really hard not to be,
I wonder if this is how it shall always be for me!?
Probably,
Life is not a fairytale,
We can’t all get what we want,
And we can’t all be happy,
Such a notion does not reflect reality.
Yet with so many negatives already stacked against me,
It would have been nice to not also have cupids arrow shoot right past me!
Tears fall heavy,
My heart beats fast,
If I must endure this pain forever more,
I do not know how long I can last.
I am starting to dream less about the future,
Longing for this pain and isolation to cease,
Weak from getting up from continuous rejection,
Longing for those who long for me not,
Being toyed with like trash,
Dropped,
Ghosted,
Forgot,
Swiped left and left to rot,
Showered with deceit,
Lead on,
Played,
I know longer have the energy to get back on my feet,
My heart saddened,
Bruised,
And black,
Once radiant,
Beaming,
Give,
Give,
Giving love,
Now barely beats,
Damaged goods!
Sad and defeated,
I am stuck,
Alone.

13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.