Black Girls Don’t Cry… Returns

As a self appointed mental health advocate, I have been fortunate enough to be approached by the BBC a few times throughout my crazy journey of ill mental health and my latest opportunity was being able to share parts of my story via the BBC Radio4 and Made In Manchester documentary, “Black Girls Don’t Cry”. Due to resounding success, it is available once more. It airs January 3rd at 8pm BBC Radio4 but is also currently available on iPlayer. Simply Google, “Black Girls Don’t Cry” or and you shall be able to hear two other brave black ladies as well as myself, share our stories of ill mental health. Catch it while you can. It really gives great food for thought.

Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Endless joys,
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?


This song was written within the confinement’s of institutionalisation. They have sectioned me but they may never section my creativity. I thank my wonderful, generous, caring, patient friends for their emotional and creative support. They came with the tools to temporarily fix my wings and accompany them whilst soaring the sky. What a view, what a feeling, what an honour. I thank the five of you for your magnificence xxxx
Have a listen…

Listen to INSTITUTIONALISED WITH VISITORS by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

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This was last year’s,it was amazing and with your help, it came be again.

The upside of BPD

The correct term for the upside of BPD is called, MANIA! Wow. Talk about maximum energy, exhilarated mobility and speech. You are as high as a kite, as fast as a cheetah, thoughts rush through your brain, you feel like you are the happiest person aslive, that you have the best ideas ever and that you can do anything and everything! It comes from nowhere and when it subsides, you feel exhausted, sometimes you can be drained in sweat. You realise that so much time has gone and it is hard to remember what you have done. I’ve had the guitar out, been practicing playing, singing, cleaning the flat and who knows what else. Then snap, you come out of it and wander what on earth that was all about! It is the upside of depression, borderline euphoric but as a person with eregular emotions, you then come crashing down from one million to zero and doubt yourself, all you have done, what you have done, who you are and negativity starts feeding back into your thoughts, grinding to a hault, all super energy is lost and you feel lethargy. I have done so much, yet almost nothing at all, nothing that I was supposed to do! Excitement turns into discontentment, everything that you believed was genious then turns sour. I felt so well and now I feel so ill. If I were the sky, the sun would reflect my positivity and the rain my negativity, the rainbow is my mania and the storm is my low mood. What a distorted, unpredictable day that would be, how would you prepare for that? Wellies and flip flops, a coat and cardigan, an umbrella and a summer hat, ear muffs and shades, but there was no warning and so you are as you are, are where you are, with who you are with and you have to roll with it! Knowing what I have experienced upon reflection, is comforting, but in the midst of it, you have no idea. No idea what you are experiencing when experiencing it. It is most surreal to feel so wonderful one minute and worthless the rest. At least I have this website to reflect, share and get things off my chest. Try viewing my latest vlog, I believe I wrote that in a rather manic state but nowhere near as crazy as today’s. BPD takes good day’s and bad day’s to the extreme, it is more like good hours and bad hours but at these times, I am my most creative.