Boys In Blue…

You have my undivided attention,
I want the facts,
Not to ride on speculation.
So why so much tension?
I have shown no signs of hesitation,
Only fluidity,
When it has come to communication.
So I got angry and threw my shoe aimlessly,
It never hit you,
Because I didn’t aim it at you
And your blazing condemnation.
Hold fire,
So you’re vex because I’m apparently irrational,
Mentally incapable,
For dismissing your allegations.
You came to my yard,
Sirens calling,
All lights blue,
Interupting my safe time,
In my safe place,
With all your rights and privilege,
Knealing on me with supremacy,
Taking hierarchy,
Invading my space,
Curtains twitching all over the place.
I still don’t know what’s been said,
Or by who,
Only that moments ago I was mellow and chill,
Until your disruption,
Interigation,
Unsent invitation
Now your insinuation that I must come with you.
No!
On what grounds?
What was it that I did to anybody?
Did to you?
I have suffered,
But I am slowly getting through,
Without being a threat to society,
Or a menace to you.
I suggest you save this arrest for someone who has committed a crime,
Not for me because I am a black female,
With mental illness,
That struggles from time to time,
In all honesty
Until you came,
I was coping just fine.
Someone has stitched you right up
Wasted your money and time,
Prejudice and nine, nine nine.
Well.
I won’t be coming,
So with the greatest respect,
Up and out,
Turn off the arrest cherade,
And disappear please,
Where from hence you came,
The longer I am in your presence,
The more shame I will obtain,
Be gone,
I am neither Swan,
And want my spotlight turned off,
Let the blue fade away,
The scent of pork diminish,
Disinfecting every square meter you defecated on,
Leave me as i was,
Alone in my bubble of isolation.

Covid-19 versus Mental Health

Speaking to fellow people that suffer from ill mental health, the overwhelming feeling of lock down and isolation, which is such an alien concept for most people, not at all sound of mind to contend with, is a very much unwanted first for many but actually the norm for many people whom suffer from ill mental health. Social anxiety/depression/psychosis often isolates mentally vulnerable, especially single people. These symptoms often lead to self isolation, triggering loneliness and paranoia, boredom, weight gain, weakening of the immune system. Loneliness can kill. This is an unfortunate pandemic but also a lesson in the usual day to day life of many of our mentally ill and vulnerable. What a horrid but memorable way of wearing shoes on the other foot. Hopefully when the world pulls through to the other side, remember this feeling and contact the vulnerable loved ones in your life.
My paranoia has been high for a while. What really upset me is that I have tried to safeguard myself by being in the company of my partner, but it is a fair distance from my abode, trying to get enough medication to see me through a few weeks, to avoid public transportation and leaving the house has not been permitted. Yet in the past when I have travelled abroad, there was no problem. Maybe they thought I was being over dramatic/sensitive; paranoid, and I wish they were right but it seems my paranoia is warrented, only as anticipated, I am in no state to trek and beg once more. I appreciate them holding the reigns on controlled drugs but their inability to stick to a decision, giving me false hope and then wasting my time has made me more ill than taking a weeks worth of meds in one go would have done.
Everyone is paranoid, fearful of the unknown but I’ve been wearing masks since last year as my OCD has esculated and remained untreated. I am frightened to go out and use public transport and no calming words or percentages will ease the panic running through me. What happens if I cannot force myself out, if I run out of meds?
Ultimately I know that this virus is like nothing we have ever personally been through. Please telephone/text/video chat and check in on your loved ones. At times like these, it is easy to forget that you are loved and I bet you are. If you are going stir crazy and feel you have no one to talk to… Please just message me.
#bekind #togetherwearestrong #dontbeselfish #declareyourlove

Bubbling Sorrow…

Showered in distress,
I cannot process,
How you cannot see,
The pain latched on and suffocating me.
My words vanish as they form and leave my mouth,
My eye sockets are inexplicably dry,
The intensity of my ill mental health,
Is hidden and sly.
My attempt to explain falls on death ears,
You’re eye on the clock,
Because time is money and you really don’t give a…
Shock,
You’ve twisted my large distorted accounts,
Into positive and small amounts.
Why do you challenge my truth?
Do you intentially mean to hurt me,
With every trigger you throw at me?
Why do you excuse the behaviour of others that have done me wrong,
Try and make a song and dance out of everything,
Probing me to sing along.
I will not waltz with you,
Duet with you,
Your steps are out of sync,
And your notes out of tune.
It converts to twenty minutes a week,
Don’t think me ungrateful,
Some people get no time at all to liase with professionals and speak,
But this is my story,
My journey,
And with all the third parties involved in my case,
It feels like only I will fall.
It takes a while for the penny to drop,
I struggle with process,
I cannot disclose,
What I don’t yet realise, Despite it being under my nose,
But with all your experience,
You should know where the story goes!?
Instead you lead me off subject,
Then hit me with triggers,
Lazy and evil,
You want me to figure,
But what do I do when it falls into place,
And no one is around,
To disclose face to face?
I turn to you.
My reflectionless friend,
The machine without the face,
But minds of many.
Sometimes people reach out to me,
Other times just dumping in a cryptic and cyber reality,
Loosens the shackles,
Not setting me free entirely,
But helping me,
And allowing others to see.
The real help,
Often doesn’t help at all,
On nights like this,
Leaving me picking up the pieces,
From the kick and punch,
Whole loads of triggers you poured,
That left me in a mess,
Showering helpless.
Feeling worse than before,
I shall not blame anyone in particular,
But the psychosis is ticking,
Depression is knocking,
Anxiety bubbling,
And self-harm compelling.
I fear to say this out loud,
So I shall share with my Internet crowd.
Just a bump in the road,
Knock on the head,
By this time tomorrow,
This bubbling sorrow will simmer,
Or i’ll be dead,
It’s only black and white in my BPD head.

Rainbow

All stories come from stories,
Fables and tales of old,
Get twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart,
And made a new.
The art is to refurbish and tell like never before,
Leaving hints of familiarity,
Subtle enough for you to question the clarity,
Yet get you hooked,
And entertain you once more.
Words pour out of my mouth like water,
Vivid,
Fast and pure,
Never preplanned,
Or to mine ears been heard before,
I must have been a muted poets daughter,
Kept back by prejudice,
In a life before,
Now reincarnated I am still kept back with not much more to gain,
So much time has passed,
Yet judgement and exclusion remains the same,
My gender now not to blame,
But this time my brain,
Some lable me as insane,
Making publishing my work a gamble,
Excusing the discrimination with health and safety,
Keeps me at the back of the line,
Instead of the front where I deserve to be.
I want to open my mind,
Open and let you all in creatively,
I’ll keep you entertained with many a story,
Some real,
Some fantasy,
Some as dark as reality can be.
Yet people don’t want to take a gamble on me,
Be it the colour of my skin,
My battle scars out and showing,
My mental health diagnosis,
My fragility,
Potential crisis.
If I was a celebrity,
Publishing offers would fly to me,
Which is something I cannot fathom!?
I am no one imparticular,
Which makes me all the more spectacular,
Because I represent you all,
Anyone and everyone,
The masses.
I could be you,
Or the girl next door,
You’re daughter,
Best friend,
Or cousin.
Instead of allowing me to rise and connect with you,
You step over me,
You do not see me,
You will not listen to me,
Despite with all of my experience,
For the curious,
Those in the dark that need a guiding light,
Someone other to hold their hand,
To understand,
I am the connect to help you through.
The one without private health care like you,
The one who has to wait like you,
The one they medicate like you.
There is no personal Doctor on call,
Nowhere to just check in,
Thats the world of your celebrity.
I will not discriminate fleeting moments of ill mental health that others have indulged,
So why discriminate me.
My illness is longstanding,
I’ve been institutionalised,
Penalised,
Accosted,
Persecuted,
Snubbed,
Ignored,
Ganged up on,
Disrespected.
I have been to Hell,
I could tell you about that,
Demons and Psychosis,
Hallucinations,
Manifestations,
Paradise,
Euphoria.
I’ve been down to the darkest place.
I’ve been up to the highest and brightest.
I’ve spoken to the people that movie characters are made from.
My eyes and ears have explored every crack and crevice of the mind and beyond.
I could tell you a tale or two,
Some you may have heard before,
Some familiar,
Some brand new,
But I refuse to speak to buttoned up ears,
Lost in translation,
Focused on fame and vaneers.
I worry I may loose,
Or confuse what has been
As my memory looses stability,
Due to medication,
And emotional sensitivity,
And so I share snippets on here,
Both to remind and for those that support me.
One day I shall tell my full story,
Awake my imagination from slumber,
Mix everything together,
And share a rainbow of novels to suit everybody,
When the world wakes up and sees my potential as an endearing literature somebody,
Fueling books,
Theatre,
Television,
And film.
My stories,
Honest and brave,
Timeless.

Mental Health Awareness Day

There is no shame in admitting that you are suffering,
Impatient and unempathetic people may tire of hearing,
Struggling to recognise what you are feeling,
None believing because they are not seeing,
Ill mental health may appear to be invisible,
Some people need to see scans,
Broken bones and bleeding,
Or they suspiciously cross you off as deceiving,
And that is why we need to raise awareness,
There are other telling truths then seeing to believe in.
Struggling to get out of bed,
Find joy and motivation,
Psychosis consistent,
Becomes dominant,
Especially when support off others is infrequent,
Or none existant.
When your hallucinations are more common,
Than the occurance of communication off others,
Life is bleak,
You are a prisoner to darkness,
Unable to see any light,
Each day is a fright,
And there is only one way out.
Your friends loose interest.
Your family turn their backs,
The help is infrequent,
Your lover feels trapped,
It seems like you mean to push them all away,
But just like you don’t know what to do or say,
Neither do they.
Social media is false representation,
Liking a post is not interaction,
Real acknowledgment,
Or appreciation.
Choosing to not discuss life depending issues,
Does not make them disappear.
Invitations become less.
Not one text.
You are living your life,
Avoiding the mess.
Not grasping that your neglection interjects even more stress.
So instead of being strong
Firm,
Consistent,
You just slip away,
Awkwardly as you know not what to say,
Until one day it happens to you,
And you get it,
But it is all just a little to late.
Take responsibility in knowing the basics of understanding the power of the mind.
We all have mental health,
And therefor we can and most likely will,
All experience ill mental health to some degree,
So take the opportunity to understand and be prepared,
We are not all hero’s,
If you can’t,
Or don’t want to help others,
At least help yourself.
Once you understand,
Pass the baton,
The more we know,
The more that know,
The less stigma and exclusion,
More respect and inclusion,
Hopefully leading to saving lives.
We loose too many to suicide.
Rip to those that have gone,
In your memory may we be strong,
Join forces,
Learn healing,
And live on.

Shells Of Egg…

In a tangled web,
With shells of egg,
I fear where exactly I should tread,
Unbalanced from clouded dread,
Struggling to interpret the silence of forbidden hushed words unsaid.

Please check out No One’s Lounge, a sparkling and brand new mental health chat show, via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone created by yours truly. In order to embrace and fully understand mental illness, we must open up, talk and learn from one another, knowledge is power!!! Let’s disregard the stigma attached to the taboo subject of mental health…

Not Alone

NOT ALONE
THIS BLOG WAS INSPIRED BY, “NOT ALONE”. A NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY WITH THIS FEATURED DISCRIPTION…
“An 18-year-old struggling to understand her best friend’s suicide talks to teenagers who have grappled with mental illness and suicidal thoughts.”
In my opinion, this documentary was both moving and empowering, it is honest and straight to the point, not an easy watch but the message is poignant, delicate but loud and clear, as real life people disclose their personal suffering and demons in order to help and encourage others that may experience similar difficulties.
Teenagers in America speak out about mental illness after teenage suicide rates hit the red zone. The documentary was made to break down the barrier surrounding mental health, encouraging teenagers to talk about how they are really feeling, not just by selfies, pictures, emoji’s, social media and texts but urging contact and deep connection. The brave teenagers featured, one of which whom confessed to trying to take her own life only a month before filming, now have aspirations for a full blooming future for themselves. They advise fellow teenagers to reach out, to not be afraid and to seek help and treatment.
Social media seems to have been a huge trigger for the majority of teenagers involved. There is an awful lot of pressure to obtain the most likes/followers/requests in order to feel relevant, included and important rather than ugly, irrelevant, left out or boring. The common misconception of social media is that it enables you to feel connected and part of something, where as in reality; it is just a smokescreen that portrays a filtered and edited sense of self, rather than the full story. Throw in a mix of trolls and cyber bullying and being part of such an apparent simple social network, can quite rapidly turn into a living hell, causing major psychological damage. As if peer pressure wasn’t already gruelling in the days before the internet, now it invades our homes and beyond, constantly on the go with our phones permanently attached to our hands, in this pro technology era, it never stops!
The teenagers encourage others to be pro-active and vigilant about themselves and their friends. Now that is a community spirited attitude. Yet what exactly should one be looking out for? Some symptoms may be overly obvious and alarming, but others can be very subtle and so I would personally advise touching base with your cared for and loved ones, in person, on the regular, as we have already established the smoke screen and mirrors that social media and non-verbal or physical contact can portray. To name but a few symptoms…
• Change in personality
• Withdrawal
• Mood swings
• Lack of motivation
• Lack of interest
• Fatigue
• Over eating
• Loss of appetite
• Self-neglect
• Absence
• Silence
• Dismissive
• Emotional
• Substance abuse
• Reckless behaviour
• Promiscuity
• Self-harm
• Suicidal behaviour
Potential causes for such behaviour…
• Feeling insignificant
• Feeling unimportant
• Feeling worthless
• Low self esteem
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Feeling lost
• Feeling out of place
• Falling out of touch with reality
• Falling behind
• Peer pressure
• Bullying
• Unstable home life
• Isolation
• Feeling stuck
• Hearing voices
• Hallucinations
• Self-loathing
• Insecurities
• Suffocation
All of the teenagers interviewed had struggled in various ways, but they all came to the same conclusion, suicide was there only way out, the only way to stop their troubles and finally be free. They had all tried to commit suicide and yet they all survived. Their paths to recovery were long and most of which were still receiving treatment at the time this documentary was filmed. I think they bravely shared their stories, in hope that others would not have to conquer so many demons before finding help, they were handing out life lines, and this is what they believe will help you escape the spiralling rabbit hole of depression and suicidal behaviour and help you get back onto the right track, in order to reignite dreams, and give you the strength to fight for a healthy and positive future…
• Let someone in
• Reach out for help
• Share your problems
• Accept help
• Acknowledge triggers
• Devise healthy coping strategies
• Accept that you do not have to fight alone
• Find something or someone to fight for
• Be kind to yourself
• Give yourself a chance
• Communicate
• Explore coping strategies, meditation, therapy, mindfulness, yoga, medication, hospitalisation, support networks, talking, being heard
• Take recovery at your own pace
• Breath
This documentary featured real teenagers and young adults openly discussing their mental struggles, I acknowledge that this is not an easy thing to do. I am also personally aware that being at the receiving end of suicidal thoughts and acting out on suicidal behaviour is not easy, nor selfish (a common misconception) but more like, just in that moment an inescapable attempt at finally ending loosing and obliterating a seemingly never ending battle. Having access to real life people, opening up about their real life struggles, through a media outlet as renowned as Netflix, is testament that people are really starting to wake up and acknowledge that ill mental health is a serious and legitimate disability, a life threatening illness. Perhaps the more open we are about the taboo subject of mental health and all of its many symptoms, the less fearful people will be about reaching out, the less ignorant the people around you may be.
Although this particular documentary focusses on teenagers from America, we must not forget that this is a global problem and can hit any one of us at any time in our lives. I am thirty-three years old, I identify with nearly all of the personal accounts in this documentary and have an awful long way to go before my own recovery. It has been less than twelve months since my last suicide attempt. I last self-harmed approximately seven days ago. My main professional mental health support network is slack in most areas and I have reached out countless times, only to be left with no help and in the same predicament. I do not feel like it, and I often wonder why, but I am obviously a fighter and a survivor. Psychosis, hallucinations, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, dissociation, self-harm and suicidal behaviour are constantly hanging just above my, “Borderline” head but I am still here, and like all the brave teenagers who have genuinely overcome their woes, I hope to myself someday, but for now, it is more important for me to help others. It does not matter where you come from, how old you are, your ethnicity or sexual orientation, we are all human, humans that are susceptible to ill mental health, whether it be one in four or one in three, may your battle be long or short, it is important to be educated and have empathy. It is important to remove all stigmas from the topic of mental health, to no longer be silenced and shushed but to speak out loud and proud and so people can learn. Enough of the misleading headlines and inaccurate babble from online, old book’s and outdated theories, hear it from the horse’s mouth if you really want to learn, if you really want to be part of positive change and help save lives. The knowledge gained from experiences shared is invaluable.
I am genuinely sorry for the millions of lives lost due to ill mental health, and I will continue to share both my story and others, in hope that eventually the numbers of lives saved will outweigh the numbers of lives lost.
Please check out, “No Ones Lounge” via my YouTube Channel, noone adiarfromnoone subscribe for more and if you can, please donate in order for me to keep funding the invaluable messages that will be shared in every episode. Here’s a taster trailer, https://youtu.be/CP7sBZpf7mU and the donation link, https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone
“When Life Gets Tough, Please Remember That You Are Not Alone!”
Quote from, “Not Alone” netflix

noone adiaryfromnoone

My birth name is Jade Phipps, but as a self appointed mental health awareness advocate I go by the name, “No One”. No One stands for no one in particular, there for anyone and everyone. I represent and reach out to the people.
I personally suffer from, “Borderline Personality Disorder, type Impulsive” which for me includes, depression, anxiety, mania, dissociation and psychosis. I am managed by my community mental health team, I see my Community Psychiatric Nurse fortnightly and my Support Worker once a week. I was diagnosed after having a breakdown. I have always suffered from depression and was diagnosed with it at the age of sixteen but since my latest diagnosis, I subsequently found out that it was expected that I had BPD back then in 2000, but this information was not shared with me until being institutionalised in 2013.
I have been in and out of hospital at least once a year since then, always voluntary, but my last admittance in 2017 was initially under a section 2 for 28 days, which was completed, I then voluntarily stayed a further 2 months.
I am a very creative person by nature and discovered writing poetry whilst being considerably unwell and in and out of hospital. My website, “www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk” is a result of this. It basically includes my whole life story thus far and is added to whilst I remain on this journey. I have great support and followers that enjoy my writing, I always alert and shoutout when I put new stuff up, via my Facebook page or Twitter (noone adiaryfromnoone). Intrigue has allowed the curious and those of which identify to accompany me on this current path. It has bought great attention to my door, I have featured on BBC national news, BBC WM radio and a London based radio show called, “The Real Deal”. All outlets sourced me from discovering my website!
Reading is not for everybody and I want to reach as many people as possible and so I decided that I needed and wanted a different outlet, this gave birth to, “No One’s Lounge”! A new chat show with the focal point of mental health. Each episode consists of a panel and creative guest. Think “Loose Women”/”BBC Live Lounge”. I did a Christmas Pilot trailer… https://youtu.be/SOYO6Q8pg3Q and full length… https://youtu.be/4mC_l48Ixkc and then a trailer for what will hopefully be a ten episode season this 2018…https://youtu.be/CP7sBZpf7mU and season 1, episode 1 in full… https://youtu.be/5f3DEY1GXUg
My work and this new project have already sparked interest off BBC Radio 4.
Society needs to be made more aware of what mental health really is. We need a decrease in stigma and increase in knowledge. I do not fault the people who have tainted views of what ill mental health is, because unless you go looking for it, or personally experience it, the main sources of information out there are overwhelming, misrepresented, creating stigma and encouraging ignorance. I want to filter and leak information and experiences from real people, to and for real peoole, made obtainable to everyone. Knowledge is power. Communication and honesty equals power. This chat show features real people, who have had real life mental health experiences, it is the pinicle of reality. A touch of music or poetry is just a nice touch of alternative communication.
In my opinion, the majority of people don’t really know about mental health until they personally or their loved ones/colleagues/associates get unwell. Everyone is susceptible to ill mental health, there for everyone should have some sort of realistic understanding of what it is and/or can be, just as a safe guard. The topic should be accurate common Knowledge, and who better to learn from then the people who have experienced it themselves!?
My dream is big, I cannot reach the entire nation alone but with the help of others, by coming on my show, scattering it across social media, watching, sharing, talking about and subscribing, my message of hope, shameless communication, empowerment and understanding may reach further a shore.
In the meantime I am personally fighting to stay afloat every single day. Exhausted by accelerated mood swings, causing chronic lethargy, it is hard to fight and keep motivated but the bigger picture goes way beyond I, my fight is for the people because I am No One and noone represents everyone.
Check out anything noone adiaryfromnoone and please join me on this crusade of mental health awareness.

No One’s Lounge

Hello readers 🤗 I am absolutely ecstatic and delighted to report that the pilot for my new chat show has been watched over 170 times since it aired on my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone on Christmas Eve. My YouTube subscribers have also almost doubled but I need more of you to click on that red button.
My plan is to host a 10 episode season of No One’s Lounge throughout this year of 2018. I think it is important to be as creative and intriguing as possible, in order to keep people’s attention and constantly raise mental health awareness. This vibrant new show is all about real life people, with real life experience within the realms of mental health and speaking openly and honestly in order to connect with you, the people.
I will not be having a festival this year and so please support me in this project, as generously as you have over the last two years with, A Festival From No One.
If you didn’t catch the pilot or have not yet seen my fundraising pledge, please check out the details below.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone?utm_source=Facebook

Much love, kisses, well wishes and appreciation to you all. Don’t forget to subscribe as Season1, Episode 1 is being filmed today and shall be aired in due cause. Come with me on this journey, as I fundraise and produce an insightful season of No One’s Lounge throughout the year. See where your donations go as it manifests and please keep sharing, as to broaden my network!?

Xx No One

No One’s Lounge: Christmas Pilot Trailer

For those of you that suffer from ill physical and/or ill mental health and just cannot get out and about.
For those of you with restrictive anxiety that holds you back from communicating with friends or family.
For those of you with crippling depression that holds you captive in your own home.
On behalf of those that are homeless and on the streets with no security or food to eat.
On behalf of the elderly whom are lonely and seemingly forgotten.
On behalf of children and young people in foster care with no loyal, loving and supportive family.
On behalf of substance abusers that cannot break their cycle of bad habits.
On behalf of the mentally ill whom are institutionalised, suicidal, lonesome and feeling insignificant.
I spare a thought of kindness for you all.
I empathise.
I recognise.
I accept and do not reject you.
This pilot is mostly about Christmas,yet I acknowledge that the above does not only exist at this festive time, in fact things for these people probably escalate at this time! I have been institutionalised at Christmas, unwell at Christmas and my eyes are open to all of it. I acknowledge you.
No One’s Lounge is a chat show for people whom feel like they miss out on going out and being entertained, and miss out on meaningful conversation. From my lounge, directly to yours, I want to discuss the vast spectrum of ill mental health whilst also enjoying live entertainment.
I need a producer, financial support and public acknowledgement. Put all three together and we will have a very good season on our hands 🤞 please watch the pilot, subscribe and look out for the full episode, December 24th 🎅❤🎅