A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #colour

coconut

At school,
I was bullied.
Bullied by the people that looked like me,
But didn’t act like me,
It was not my intention to be different,
Not an act,
Just a fact,
I think it is important to be yourself,
Not just follow like sheep,
Nor act like playing a part,
But to be an individual.
I’ve always been quite colour-blind really,
Favoured people for their behaviour,
Their humour,
Personality,
And interior,
Our connection,
Genuine sparks fly,
Because of chemistry,
A connection of souls,
What people look like meant nothing,
Means nothing to me,
Why should it?
How shallow!
Materialistic!
I like genuine bonds with genuine people,
That is natural to me,
But with lashings of ignorance,
A splash of resentment,
Dollops of hormones,
A lack of processing,
And sprinkles of judgement off my peers,
I was custard pied,
Rated as poorly baked,
Not adhere to certain standards,
Cast aside,
Ridiculed,
Criticized,
And patronised,
Left on the harsh receiving end of bullying.
The girls that looked like me,
The Black girls,
My sisters,
The girls that had the reputation of being tough,
With their,
“Don’t Fuck With Me” attitudes,
In this huge all girls school,
They did not take to me,
They fucked with me,
But fortunately only verbally,
Which was lucky,
As keeping up appearances,
With anyone that stood in their way,
They would fight,
And they would scrap.
They commanded respect,
By sticking togethering,
Dominating threat,
And casting fear to all that were not in their favour,
A purposeful segregation,
Forced entitlement cast by fear,
So powerful that no one would dare dispute,
They would silently force their way to the front of the dinner line que,
Come from nowhere and get on the bus before you,
And no one would complain,
We didn’t dare to.
Picking on me,
Perhaps because the majority of my friends were white,
Thinking that was odd and not right,
But is was just per chance,
Not a purposeful decision for me,
I just took preference of personality,
Open to friendship with anybody.
They would call me Coconut,
It upset me.
They called me a Bounty,
It upset me,
Meaning I was fake,
Black on the outside,
But white on the inside,
Stripping me of my identity.
At a young age it really confused me,
I was just doing me,
But that was apparently not good enough!
Insincere,
Was something I did not want to be,
Nor did I try to be,
I was,
I am proud of my heritage,
But living in the modern day,
Why create segregation,
Ostracise me,
Try to embarrass me,
It was ignorance that I ran from,
The mentality,
Not ones nationality.
Now I am thirty-four,
I clearly remember it all,
But now being older,
Looking back,
Upon reflection,
If that is the only insult that they could cast against me,
Really and truly,
They had no insult at all!
Think about the fruit,
Coconut,
It’s nutritious,
And delicious,
So,
You want to be narrow minded,
Call me a coconut,
I’ll take it,
There are much worse and harsher words,
More personal,
Less generic words that you could have used to bully me,
But the truth is,
They couldn’t find any,
Because I wasn’t at fault,
They were,
And they were clutching at straws!
Their insecurities!
Their uncertainties!
Their jealousies!
Projecting irrelevance,
And their labelling,
And their declarations upon me,
It was all about them,
Weak people find themselves by putting others down,
And they never look back,
Seemingly nonchalant,
Because they cannot face their own wrong doing,
They move on,
Leaving victims with irremovable scars,
Tainted memories,
And incurable insecurities.
If someone today called me a bounty,
A coconut,
Or in these days an Oreo,
I would just take it on the chin,
And own it,
Because to me,
They are all nice things,
Just like I am a nice person,
Sweet,
And most likely good enough to eat,
I shall ignore your ignorance,
And deny you defeat.
My advice to them would be,
Don’t worry yourself about me,
You do you,
And I’ll do me.
I shall not fester in others negativity.
So come on and do your worst.
I am Black,
I am dark skinned,
I am proud of my heritage and history,
I am free,
And will befriend anyone who shares a genuine connection.
Within me,
Regardless of ethnicity,
Because I only associate with purity,
Honesty,
Sincerity,
Kindness,
love.
Love comes with any and every colour,
None more better than another,
Let spite,
Judgement,
And hate evaporate,
Instead,
Let us see beauty within the rainbows of this world,
And celebrate in unity.

Colour

The, “N” words,
Nigger or Negro,
Shot, Shot!
The, “B” word,
Black,
Shot!
The, “C” word,
Coloured,
Shot!
Words are just words,
Yet the intension of how they are said,
Delivered with clarity,
Doused with…
Venom,
And…
Spite,
They are as powerful as a bullet to the head!
Shot, shot, shot shot!
Is this what you see when you look at me?
What you think I am?
How you describe me?
Yes,
I am black and proud,
If asked to describe me physically,
Is colour the first thing that springs to mind?
Surely you understand that such language and choice of words like those above,
That is derogative and uncalled for!?
You can pretty them up,
In songs or rap,
Say them about me behind my back,
Hurl them at me in a racist attack,
But such strategies are wack,
You have to understand that I am black,
And I am proud of that,
Because the colour of my skin is part of me,
I was born with it,
It is part of my identity,
But not everything about me.
Prejudice and racism has not ceased it is still very much here,
Not just a part of our past or old tainted wives tales that you may hear,
But if you open your eyes and mind,
You will soon discover that the colour of my skin should not trigger fear.
Despite the colour of our exterior,
Our skin,
We are all just human beings.
I look in the mirror and just see me,
Not my colour,
I look deeper then that,
Trying to find the overall beauty,
Outside and in,
Strip off our skin,
We are all the same within,
So why fight one another?
There is so much cruelty, trauma, hate and sin in this world,
I want no part of it.
I don’t want revenge for those tortured, mistreated and killed because they look like me,
But I do want mercy and reconciliation,
Or it was all for nothing
I acknowledge the past,
And I will always remember those that suffered for equality,
I recognise that the scale of injustice and mistreatment has decreased dramatically,
But I shudder and weep when I study black history,
Rage when I think of all of the lives lost to death and slavery,
Just because of biology and anatomy!
I want to hold my head up high,
In silent protest,
And make the most of this life given to me.
I am privileged,
Lucky to have been born in a more equal part of the world,
Lucky to have been born at this time,
But that luck does not help starving babies in third world countries,
Black children getting less education,
Black teenagers peer pressured into gangs,
Black men being put into prison for just being black,
Black women being raped for just being black,
Just because the devil only see’s their colour,
Forgets that their lives matter,
People even up to now,
They don’t acknowledge that black lives matter.
For those of us with sight,
We are fortunate to see colour,
What a beautiful gift,
Only to be spoiled by the need of power,
Tainted,
And bruised,
Wasted due to inferiority.
Freedom,
That was rightfully ours,
And when I say ours,
I mean all of ours,
But was taken away,
Oblige or die,
Commands and decisions made by self appointed radicalists,
Every knock,
Every bump,
Every push,
Every whip,
My ancestors got back up
And they fought,
And they earned their freedom,
Tested again and again!
I would not be here if it were not for them!
I thank them,
And carry our torch with pride.
When I look at you,
I don’t see colour,
When I look at myself,
I just see me.
I hope that one day,
It can be like that for everybody.
If you pass me on the street and you think my life does not matter because of the colour of my skin?
Do yourself a favour,
Keep your thoughts within,
Button up those lips,
Clench your fists,
And just keep walking,
Because this world is not yours alone,
And my life is not yours to take,
Black lives matter,
Whether you agree or not,
Keep those racist and hurtful thoughts to yourself,
They are your thoughts of harm and pain,
Your problem to contend with,
This planet is for all of us to share!
Join us all,
Or quietly go elsewhere.
This is not a dictatorship?
But a vision to rule out segregation,
An invitation for all of us to be united as one in civilisation,
To include,
Not excluse,
Because of what you look like,
Or where you come from!
Man or Woman,
Black or White,
Gay or Straight,
Christian or Muslim,
Anything goes,
As long as you have a good soul,
Practice in acceptance,
Then there should be no grievance.

Let history stay in the past, let us learn from today, and share in the future.

Life is hard for many people, usually very hard for people who are different and diverse. It has always been that way, and although there has been some positive change over the thousands and thousands of years since the human race began, ignorance and fear still breeds terror and prejudice! We are judged, marked and labelled from the day we are born. Put into categories from the moment that we take our first breath!
This life is hard and hard for many. Some people are luckier then others, they have a status, are of high class, have security in fortune, access to the best education, looks, love, wealth, brains, opportunities, all in their favour. I loose no sleep for them. I have nightmares about people of colour being abused, wrongfully judged, accused and killed by racists because of their skin tone. Homosexual’s being hung for their sexuality. Transgender’s not fitting into the mainstream categories and therefor being ostracised. Lady’s in Burka’s being feared by western society. Disabled children being bullied for being different. People who have been raped by other’s that believe they are superior. The mentally ill who are stigmatised for being dangerous to others.
This world was clearly built for some but not for others, it is just messed up! Yet we are all stuck on the same planet, if we can’t all get along, perhaps we aren’t trying hard enough. We cannot even manage to agree to disagree or turn a blind eye. This question is for the diverse, “Do we put up and shut up” or “Fight for our rights”?
I choose to exercise my freedom of speech. The world can be a dangerous, cruel and lonely place. I represent black young women. I represent women in general. I represent the black and British. I represent people from and in Britain. I represent people with mental health problems. I represent the people, people who are both emotionally and academically clever enough to realise and accept that being different and being a minority does not necessarily a bad person or criminal make. I believe in individuality. I admire people who know themselves, who are true to themselves.
Life is about more then selfies and reality television. It is and always has been survival of the fittest. If religion soothes you and you do not force it upon another, then fine. If alcohol is your poison and you can manage to consume it in moderation, fine. If you prefer holistic to western medicine, fine. The point is, each to their own. We are not robots. We all get one life and we can waste it or utilise it to the best of our abilities. A lot of people are fortunate enough to create their own paths. Of cause nature and nurture play their parts and chance might limit you, but as we have our own bodies, our own hearts, our own brains, I wish we could all make, “The right” and “fair” decisions, but history repeats itself time and time again. We keep making the same mistakes and as a mass population, learn absolutely nothing along the way.
People may think me selfish, wittering on about depression when there are wars going on out there, people dying at the hands of others everyday. Poverty. Rape. Slavery. Abuse. Crime. If someone had a blog about having cancer and dying, and there are people dying everyday, would you think them selfish? If someone made a blog about having a miscarriage, when the world is already crowded and overpopulated, would you find their pain unjust? If someone made a blog about a chocolate addiction, when there are people dying of starvation, would you think them selfish? If yes, you and I are polar opposites. I don’t think anyone reading this would say yes, I think you get my point, as would many more, only if I could reach them!
You are entitled to your own opinion and as long as you do not enforce that opinion upon others, I believe that is fair. It isn’t that easy though, not when the media or religion or culture brain wash you to keep us all in order, manipulate you to make you feel a certain way and receive information in a certain way.
It is hard to grasp certain information when it is hurtled at you in desensitised bullet points. I blog, vlog, write and share my story because I am experiencing something very real, something dark and uncertain. The realities of mental health are serious, it often leads to self harm, outward harm and suicide. It happens. When tragedies occur, like murder or crime, huge chunks of the story are left out, altered and filtered out to the public with the intention of causing shock, horror and fear. Which spirals into hate crime, riots and segregation. Bad mental health, mental illness, it can lead to the likes of crime, substance abuse, suicide and murder, but it most definitely isn’t all about that! Intervention should be put into place way before that. Only why would people admit to having bad mental health when most of society’s preconceptions and the connotations are all negative? Why confess to feeling something that could ultimately get you locked up, make you loose your job, your home, your family? People are ashamed, people are in hiding and reluctant to seek help out of fear. Other’s may not even recognise their symptoms because most of the information to do with mental health out there tends to focus on events at the end of the line, not from the beginning, the symptoms, the traits to look out for etc. Most of the accessible information is clinical, all from a text book, or a specialist who is qualified enough to know all the right answers, but shows no compassion or empathy regarding the delicate issue because he/she cannot personally relate, therefor researched results often come up negative, which makes people ashamed.
I am keeping it real when I share with you. No secrets spared. This entire website, my Facebook Page, Twitter, YouTube, all come under, “adiaryfromnoone” and it is all personal, no filter, no fabrication. My reasoning is to stop the stigma and taboo’s but also to allow people to realise that no one is exempt from mental illness. It is more common then you think, not always as harrowing as the media may portray and actually quite common and all around us! If we don’t share, evaluate and reevaluate, how will we ever learn? How can we expect change? My voice is small but my message is strong. If you read this blog, please share it with someone, lets get people talking, get people acknowledging and stop running!
Let history stay in the past, but always remember. Let us learn from today, improving on what we knew before. Let us share in the future, in order to grow.

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