Destined For Catastrophy

They say that in life,
When we are born,
We are all on a certain path,
But what they don’t tell you,
Is that one decision,
One simple decision,
Can change and alter that path,
In some cases for eternity,
In others,
You may get lost for a little while,
As each path leads to another,
And another,
But the lucky ones,
They finally get back on track,
And fulfil their born destiny,
The luckier ones hurtle in their born direction,
From birth until their end,
But some of us get so lost,
And bewildered in the darkness,
That we loose a sense of self,
And without knowing ones self,
How can one know their own destiny?
I feel that I fall into the later category,
I feel like I am drifting out into the endless and bottomless sea,
And before I took sail,
I had lost every part of me,
Not misplaced,
But lost forever more,
And so I go on,
And on,
And on,
Drifting,
And drifting,
Not sure of my future.
I fear that I may have forsworn my born destiny,
But somehow know that it will be a lonely and bitter end for me,
Whoever, “Me” may be!
I dream and fantasise that one day,
Someone will come along and save me,
But as time passes,
Second’s,
Minute’s,
Hour’s,
Day’s,
Week’s,
Month’s,
Year’s,
That notion seems more and more improbable,
I just cling to it for comfort.
I don’t know what I was born to be,
What life could or should have had in store for me,
But I feel in my bones what will be,
What looms above me,
And it is not pleasant,
Welcomed,
Nor warranted.
It is disaster and catastrophe!

Why not?

After a mismatched relationship with someone far to young, immature and from a family which nightmares are made of, the idea of starting again with someone new seemed an exhausting prospect. Being ill and in and out of mental health hospitals over the last three years, living in the unfamiliar city of where I grew up, but had never been my home as an adult. I was living a lonely, isolated and somewhat reclusive lifestyle. I never thought that I would meet someone that could potentially be a romantic flame! With it being winter and Christmas around the corner, an empty social calendar and nothing but wind and rain outside, like anyone would… I felt lonely and felt a raging envy towards anyone who was fortunate enough to have a spooning partner! Lol!
I recently met someone online, it didn’t take long to sift threw the odd bods and find my new Prince. I had corresponded with a few guys, filtering the few good from the many bad. After experiencing way to many, “Dick Pics” then I cared for, guys asking me out on a date and then deleting my profile, chatting to men with babies, drug problems, anger management problems, foot fetishes, sex addictions, online dating seemed so far removed from the realms of reality.
The men were more entertaining then anything else. It was like the cyber version of EastEnders and I had the lead female role. (Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love EastEnders!) Somehow, whilst trawling through the non compatibles, I found the guy that I now call my boyfriend (it seems so strange to say it, sometimes surreal, I have to pinch myself on a daily basis as my low self esteem makes the reality of exclusively dating a man, a real human being, an actual gentleman has only been a fantasy for quite sometime.) The idea of someone liking me, accepting me, finding me physically attractive, wanting to get to know me, spend time with me seems so surreal as I have become accustom to being used, mistreated, disrespected, rejected and abandoned by men. Yet somehow the genre of the orientation of my online dating experience changed from. “Soap” to “Fairy-tale”. It’s early days but I really have made a connection with someone, a really lovely someone. As undeserved of this as my demons, paranoia and insecurities may make me feel, I will not let this one go without trying.
It’s no secret that I am unwell, that I have both manic and depressive episodes, that I am susceptible to psychosis and hallucinations, that I have attempted suicide more times then I can count on my one hand over the last three years, that I have self harming and self destructive tendencies and a rather vicious dermatological illness but none of these things seems to phase him. (He sounds a little to good to be true right? I promise that he is real not just someone that I have conjured up from my head, as other people have seen him, yes, sane people!)He has taken me from face value and seems to accept all of me, every last bit, from good to bad. This has already helped me start to look at myself in a new light, a more positive light.
I am a romantic idealist but I am no fool. Relationships have come and gone in my past and they will most likely do in my future but I don’t want to fixate on that. I am trying out just living in the moment, the present. Whatever illness I may or you may not have, it does not have to exclude us from happiness and companionship. After all, love is the best drug known to man. It’s not the right way round but I have always been a bit upside down. If someone else can like you, maybe you should/could like yourself. If someone else can love you, maybe you should/could love yourself. If others don’t segregate you from such possibilities, don’t segregate yourself. An illness does not a whole person make. Don’t let it restrict you from such possibilities. Maybe, just maybe there is enough out there for all of us. Whether it be romantic, platonic, from family or other, if you open yourself up to it, you might just receive it.
Mental health problems can be soul destroying, have us riddled in pain and surrounded by sadness, forming positive relationships just might give us the incentive that we need to wake up another day.
So reader, please open yourself up to new things this new year, join me and you may also find some happiness. Depression cuts us off, we fear that all doors are shut and locked and we feel stuck but what if one opens? You don’t know until you try. Worst case scenario, your fears were true, which wont come as a surprise to you. Should it open though… who knows what is in store for you?
Keep sane, be true to yourself, be strong,

Love from Noone. xx

Ain’t Ever Coming Back

Upsy Daisy,
Upside Down,
Whilst Life Is Spinning Round And Round,
Once Head Strong,
Old Head On Young Shoulders,
Instead Of Progression,
Dropped Down To Regression,
A Child Again.
Old Head,
Young Mind,
How It Happened I Cannot Describe,
But I Hope To Figure It All Out With You By My Side.
I Can’t Afford Nor Manage A Compromise.
Off Track.
Ran Off The Road.
Not Like You.
I Will Strive To Get On The Right Side.
Stop Standing Still,
Or Going Backwards,
And Find The Yellow Brick Road,
That Leads To The Gold And All Things Shiny And Nice.
God Forbid I Loose My Way Again.
Go Down The Wrong Path.
This Route Twice Over,
I Could Not Hack.
If I Find The Strength,
I Ain’t Ever Coming Back.

Shallow Hal

“What would you prefer, a girl/guy with half a breast or half a brain?” (Modified for gender reasons)

Religion….

I Watched a movie called, “The Infidel” with my neighbour last night. Prior to this we had a conversation about religion. My friend believes that if your parents are a certain religion, their children will automatically receive the same faith. For e.g. Parents A and B are Christian, they have a child named C. C will therefore be born a Christian. Is this true? Is this a real thing? I believe that until child C is christened, they are just babies/children/adults. I don’t believe that you are born into religion, you can be born into a religious environment but that doesn’t mean that you are automatically part of that religion. I also don’t think that simply being christened or any other religious alternative, makes you a certain religion, you have to believe, study, practice and understand a faith in order to truely become part of your religious family. I may be wrong but I am just sharing what I have always thought. My grandparents were born in the Caribbean but my parents were born in England. If my mum had to disclose her heritage in a form for example. I assume that she would tick, black British because that’s what she is, as would I,because I was born in England and that is what I am, but if my children were born in another country, that box would not apply to them. I personally apply the same principals from this analogy to religion. My mum is a devoured Christian, I was christened Methodist as a baby but have grown up to be agnostic. Thoughts and opinions welcome…
#Is religion hereditary? “Religion is a matter of choice, it becomes hereditary because parents raise their children confirming to belief they have held themselves all their lives. In a lot of cases though, this early indoctrination does not take hold, and a majority of atheists and agnostics come from religious families.” Wikipedia