A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #bullies #victim # defenceless #scared #alone #frightened

Is this fun for you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
This isn’t a play,
I’m devastated that it has gone down this way.
How long do I have to stay?
It’s June now,
I came in,
In May!
Stop looking at me in that arrogant way.
Is this fun for you?
I don’t wanna play.
Let’s sit-down nurse,
Talk it out and converse.
Your attitude stinks
And it’s making me worse.
Let us talk about it,
Before I drop a bomb and scream and shout.
Ultimately we want the same thing,
To figure out what this is all about.
I’m all ears and willing to admit my deepest fears.
It’s time to get things sorted,
It has been years.

The Beast…

Today I feel the presence of the beast. I call depression the beast because it is the perfect name for it. It sprawls out over my body from head to toe, the burden of the weight makes me feel so heavy, I can’t get up out of bed. It’s teeth sink into my brain and like a virus, it filters its poison throughout my entire body. My eyelids are heavy, I cannot open them. Hypnotised and paralysed I lye down, asphyxiated and comatose, I just cannot get up. All plans unfulfilled, I lay in my bed. The law of physics expand beyond reason and gravity keeps me down. Like a pirate ship, my brain usually swings up and down, left to right, the highs and the lows. Today there is no light. No up’s. No highs. Merely darkness and only down. I want to get up. I want to do the things that I have to do. I can’t because I am bed ridden, with loss of all control, I simply cannot move. Drowsy, my state of mind drifts from conscious to unconscious repetitively. I need to eat. I need light and life but the beast holds me down!
The voices are constant. They urge me to take an overdose, to cut myself and bleed, bleed out until I die. With all of my might I plead to the beast, “Please let me go, let me get up, let me seek help?” He laughs and applies more pressure, weighs me down further.
I want to be well and able, I want to confide in someone, seek help but I now feel worthless, unworthy of any help at all. I turn my phone off and suffer in silence, give in to the beast that has devoured all hope.
Scared and so very alone, I wish with the little strength that I have left, I wish that these feelings will pass. I try to think of the good, caring, constant, stable, empathetic and loving people in my life. There are but a few, but a few all the same! The hope gets pushed down and I am left with only paranoia and doubt! Does anyone really care? All that I have is the beast, perhaps if I obey and succumb, he will be less nasty, less controlling. If I accept him, maybe his grasp will ease. I will do anything for this madness to stop. Anything. I cut and bleed and cry, then cut and bleed and cry, and then cut and bleed and cry some more. I seek calm, peace and contentment, it is all so very unobtainable until….until… until… it softens, the beast loosens his grip, my heartbeat starts to regulate, I can move! I can breath! He hasn’t gone, not completely but it’s over… for now!…

Disconnected

So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Having control.
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Completely separate,
Friction sparks,
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Complete overdrive,
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.

I die alone…

Why is it that I am consumed with misery and destined for misfortune? A rotten egg, the runt of the litter, I was dealt the hand of disappointment. No matter which direction that I take, all rotes are filled with poison. Given an enormous heart, full of love, crushed and never to be loved in return. I repel all potential suiters. From family to friends and lovers, deserted by all and destined for a life alone. There is no remedy. My heart was built to love, but cursed, I shall never receive it. My heart, like a machine propels, searches and targets those to love but unsuccessful, self combusts. Crushed. I feel the heavy pangs in my chest. How cruel is natures path? To allow me to love so deeply and desire almost desperately, yet nothing in return. People don’t understand. How could they, if they don’t know this pain. I wish it upon anyone. I do not wish an explanation upon them, why burden them with my woes? I was born Alone and alone I shall die. Smothered with rejection from my very first day. My love like an infection. I pledge just to love and be loved in return but receive nothing but cold isolation. As to why, I shall never know. Banished to the outskirts of society. Out of sight, out of mind. They forget me, whilst all I do is think of them. Driven to madness, I slowly fade away. Unloved, without partner nor child, just a void of unhappiness. Wither, wither, I die alone.

A quote from the wonderful Charles Dickens…

Great expectations, Miss Havisham, “It is wise not to plan the years ahead to completely, everything that was certain can change in a heartbeat!”

It just got me thinking. I used to be so sure, so confident, I believed that I knew myself, my worth and believed that my dreams and desires would come true. I thought that I knew my friends, who loved me and whom I loved in return. I had such great expectations. Where things went wrong, I do not know. I struggle with the memories of my past, the uncertainty of the present and daunting prospects of the future. I no longer have great expectations. Depression amongst other mental health problems has suffocated me and left but only a shadow of what I once knew, devowerd every expectation that I once had. Everything that was certain has changed. I am certain of nothing and nothing I have become. Once strong, now weak. I daren’t dream because they never come true.

Just a corpse now….

And so you pushed and twisted and turned,
Turned and twisted and pushed,
The silver blade within her,
You plunged it into her heart.
Disguised under your invisible cloak,
You had full control of her.
You manipulated each move that she made,
Each thought that she had.
Under your restraint,
Fueled with your toxic venom.
Running like an engine,
No longer herself.
Just a corpse now,
The battered down woman which you vowed to love.

Possessed

Hello!
Are you me?
Or are you a stranger simply impersonating me?
Are you real?
Surely I couldn’t conjure up something/someone so evil?
So dangerous?
So bad for me?
Why can’t I permenantly shut you down?
At least lessen the noise?
I glimpse and grab hold of seconds of silence and almost remember feeling peace.
I obey your orders,
Craving some release.
I can barely remember life without you.
Life without this pain and misery.
The sadder that I am,
The stronger you seem to become.
There are theories about where this self hate springs from,
But we cannot confirm where you,
The parasite,
Sprang from.
Overwhelmed and overcome,
The weaker that I become,
Fuels your power to possess me.

Bullies

They hunt,
They target,
They pursue,
They could pick on any one of you.

They manipulate,
They intimidate,
They know how to articulate,
And before you know it,
They have you.

Your innocent and naïve,
It makes it easier for them to achieve,
Spun in their lies and deceit,
Makes their challenge complete.

Trapped in a web,
The vulture’s pursue you,
And there is no escape,
They now determine your fate.

Tangled and intertwined,
They honour you like a trophy,
And there is no escape,
They have you,
And they’ve won.

Under their spell,
Trapped in hell,
You give in,
And feel obligated to let them win.

I would like to say forgive them,
They know not what they do,
But that is not true,
They know,
And before you know,
It is to late.

They dictate all that you do,
Until they have what that they want,
lose interest in you,
And find someone new.

They spit you out when they’ve done,
Leaving you confused and damaged,
Left hopeless with low self esteem,
Used up and unclean,
Nothing left to redeem.

Scared beyond repair,
They leave you to rot,
In hell,
Whilst they skip off into the sunset,
Looking for someone else to put under their spell.

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