Ladies and gentlemen,
This isn’t a play,
I’m devastated that it has gone down this way.
How long do I have to stay?
It’s June now,
I came in,
In May!
Stop looking at me in that arrogant way.
Is this fun for you?
I don’t wanna play.
Let’s sit-down nurse,
Talk it out and converse.
Your attitude stinks
And it’s making me worse.
Let us talk about it,
Before I drop a bomb and scream and shout.
Ultimately we want the same thing,
To figure out what this is all about.
I’m all ears and willing to admit my deepest fears.
It’s time to get things sorted,
It has been years.
The Beast…
Today I feel the presence of the beast. I call depression the beast because it is the perfect name for it. It sprawls out over my body from head to toe, the burden of the weight makes me feel so heavy, I can’t get up out of bed. It’s teeth sink into my brain and like a virus, it filters its poison throughout my entire body. My eyelids are heavy, I cannot open them. Hypnotised and paralysed I lye down, asphyxiated and comatose, I just cannot get up. All plans unfulfilled, I lay in my bed. The law of physics expand beyond reason and gravity keeps me down. Like a pirate ship, my brain usually swings up and down, left to right, the highs and the lows. Today there is no light. No up’s. No highs. Merely darkness and only down. I want to get up. I want to do the things that I have to do. I can’t because I am bed ridden, with loss of all control, I simply cannot move. Drowsy, my state of mind drifts from conscious to unconscious repetitively. I need to eat. I need light and life but the beast holds me down!
The voices are constant. They urge me to take an overdose, to cut myself and bleed, bleed out until I die. With all of my might I plead to the beast, “Please let me go, let me get up, let me seek help?” He laughs and applies more pressure, weighs me down further.
I want to be well and able, I want to confide in someone, seek help but I now feel worthless, unworthy of any help at all. I turn my phone off and suffer in silence, give in to the beast that has devoured all hope.
Scared and so very alone, I wish with the little strength that I have left, I wish that these feelings will pass. I try to think of the good, caring, constant, stable, empathetic and loving people in my life. There are but a few, but a few all the same! The hope gets pushed down and I am left with only paranoia and doubt! Does anyone really care? All that I have is the beast, perhaps if I obey and succumb, he will be less nasty, less controlling. If I accept him, maybe his grasp will ease. I will do anything for this madness to stop. Anything. I cut and bleed and cry, then cut and bleed and cry, and then cut and bleed and cry some more. I seek calm, peace and contentment, it is all so very unobtainable until….until… until… it softens, the beast loosens his grip, my heartbeat starts to regulate, I can move! I can breath! He hasn’t gone, not completely but it’s over… for now!…
An insight to the mind of someone with BPD/EUPD and a reflection of your possible relationship with them…
BPD/EUPD
(Borderline Personality Disorder/ Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder)
What is it and how does one (the diagnosed/family or friends of the diagnosed) deal with it?
As a family member, friend, lover, acquaintance, our (the diagnosed) erratic and seemingly selfish behaviour problems aren’t just brattish, attention seeking, unnecessary behaviour but actually part of our illness. We may appear to resentfully try to push you away with our outbursts, suicide attempts, self-harm, inability to discuss our issues with you, by acting out and insulting you physically, mentally and emotionally. Please don’t be deceived and in this case, ignore the obvious. Please don’t interpret our behaviour as pushing you away, abandonment and rejection is exactly what we don’t want! If able to think rationally (which is extremely difficult whilst in crisis), even just for a moment, we can be aware and we can take ownership of causing you frustration, and acknowledge that our actions can put you under a lot of pressure. We can also be completely oblivious that we are unwell and not recognise the effects that we have on you at all. All in all, we don’t want our loved ones to give up on us; we don’t want anyone at all to give up on us because in truth, we have already given up on ourselves.
Triggers;
A more level headed, self-sufficient, self-understanding, self-loving and balanced character would not be as sensitive to everything as we are.
Triggers can be obvious, a tragedy, a loss, but they can also be extremely subtle, a word, a smell, a place. Triggers set off something in your mind. They lead to distressing thoughts that can lead to an episode of self-loathing, personal neglect and self-harming (substance abuse or inflicting actual physical pain on one’s self).Once in crisis and the trigger is set off, it can take a long time to cease and for that person to be safe again. You may feel that people with BPD/EUPD should take more responsibility of themselves, of their actions, more ownership of their problems. You may feel responsible or to blame for that person’s actions. No one is responsible. It’s no one’s fault.
The complex mind of someone who struggles to regulate their thoughts and their actions may be more sensitive to sounds and smells, physical contact, words and memories then most. Such things can set off neurological connections that initiate the spiral of declining to a mental state of instability.
Dialectic;
We may try to push you away, choose not to engage with persons both familiar and professional, but such rash outbursts usually come from the struggle of not understanding ourselves and our fear that you will leave or abandon us eventually. Our behaviour is sometimes out of despair and desperation, not malice! Our behaviour is not calculated, pre-meditated or welcomed, it is inexplicable how quickly we can become a danger to ourselves and in some cases to others.We often don’t have the appropriate skills to ask for help and the words to explain our situation like many people without BPD/EUPD can quite naturally and/or easily do. Our dramatic behaviour, self-harm, suicide attempts, lashing out, extreme sensitivity and feelings of being unsafe are all symptoms of BPD/EUPD and often cries for help as we cannot put our despair into words and even if we do manage to articulate our problems, we loathe ourselves so much, we genuinely believe that we are beyond and undeserved of receiving any help. Such behaviour may frustrate and annoy our loved ones, and writing this, in this moment, I can see why, but please, no matter how much that we seem to repeat the same mistakes, attempt to push you away, what we really need is your love and acceptance. Those of you reading this from a support point of view, if unsatisfied with my attempt of sharing from my own experiences as someone both medically and professionally diagnosed with BPD/EUPD, you are welcome to do your own research because I cannot speak for everyone. I am writing from the perspective of having BPD/EUPD not someone who has a relationship with someone with it. I think of this blog as a potential opening to communication between loved ones whose relationships have been tainted by this cryptic mental illness.
Treatment:
Life with BPD/EUPD can be both mentally and physically exhausting. Episodes can cycle rapidly, manic to depressive and manic again in the space of twenty-four hours! One can be stable for months at a time. Such long periods of good health, building up routines, good distraction techniques, exercise, healthy food, a good network of support and care, with one trigger, it can all deteriorate so easily and put you right back to the start. Again, it’s no one’s fault.
It has been proved that both medication and therapy can maintain one’s stability and contribute towards recovery. Recovery may not mean that you are permanently cured but can help balance a person enough to progress and move forward with life. Constant reminders (although exasperating for you) of love, support and reassurance from loved ones will always, always help. Our extreme, frantic, manic, sensitive, childlike behaviour all stems from the fear of isolation, being abandoned, unloved and not cared for. When the fear is present our inability to healthily discuss our worries, usually lead to frantic and distasteful behaviour.
Splitting;
We struggle with relationships, the fear and paranoia usually results in fall outs with friends and/or lovers as without patience, knowledge and/or understanding of why people with BPD/EUPD act so, “out of the ordinary” out of the blue, a relationship with them could quite rapidly feel extremely hard work.
We may avoid you, your invitations, phone calls, house calls, messages on social media, despite so desperately wanting to see you, be with you. This is an unhealthy way of trying to avoid eventually being rejected or abandoned. It’s difficult for us to relate to others when we often don’t even relate to ourselves. It’s common for us to not understand ourselves and our own emotions and so therefor struggle to relate and process the emotions and feelings of others.
Identity disturbance issues;
Without an identity, what are we? Who are we? This is a significant factor of having BPD/EUPD! Children can change their identities by experimenting with the likes of role play. It’s like trial and error for a child, they constantly change and reinvent themselves whilst growing up, in order to find themselves, know themselves and comfortably develop into adulthood. It is common for people with BPD/EUPD to not complete that transition. As adults, we are still desperately trying to fit it, be liked, be loved by absolutely everyone and feel hurt, rejected, unworthy, inadequate and frustrated when we fail. As the transition from, “No One” to “Someone” was never completed; we never really know who we are, acting different whilst bouncing off person to person. So, different that you almost live in various worlds, different worlds to play out different personas. We take on the role of a, “Chameleon” often becoming unrecognisable to those from different aspects of our lives, it’s an extreme trait that can leave both others and yourself extremely confused, especially if different people from different aspects of your life connect and come together.
A lot of us have suffered from parental abandonment and forms of abuse whilst growing up, neglect, instability, bullying and instead of just being, growing and developing freely, we have felt (usually subconsciously) that we have had to change and suppress our natural character in order to please our peers, parents, family, friends, loved ones to feel safe in order to survive.
We feel empty and helpless, tired of trying and failing over and over again, blaming only ourselves.
We hurt ourselves in a self-destructive manor in order to punish ourselves.
We are a highly sensitive people that experience great difficulty when trying to regulate, moderate and understand both our own and others minds and emotions.
We know that it is not easy for people to love us, but hope that people understand that we do not want to cause them pain and/or frustration.
I hope that this blog provides an insight into the sensitive, confused, self-destructive, self-loathing and paranoid mind of someone with BPD/EUPD.
Thanks for reading. Your love is key!
Xx Noone
Disconnected
So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Having control.
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Completely separate,
Friction sparks,
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Complete overdrive,
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.
I die alone…
Why is it that I am consumed with misery and destined for misfortune? A rotten egg, the runt of the litter, I was dealt the hand of disappointment. No matter which direction that I take, all rotes are filled with poison. Given an enormous heart, full of love, crushed and never to be loved in return. I repel all potential suiters. From family to friends and lovers, deserted by all and destined for a life alone. There is no remedy. My heart was built to love, but cursed, I shall never receive it. My heart, like a machine propels, searches and targets those to love but unsuccessful, self combusts. Crushed. I feel the heavy pangs in my chest. How cruel is natures path? To allow me to love so deeply and desire almost desperately, yet nothing in return. People don’t understand. How could they, if they don’t know this pain. I wish it upon anyone. I do not wish an explanation upon them, why burden them with my woes? I was born Alone and alone I shall die. Smothered with rejection from my very first day. My love like an infection. I pledge just to love and be loved in return but receive nothing but cold isolation. As to why, I shall never know. Banished to the outskirts of society. Out of sight, out of mind. They forget me, whilst all I do is think of them. Driven to madness, I slowly fade away. Unloved, without partner nor child, just a void of unhappiness. Wither, wither, I die alone.
A quote from the wonderful Charles Dickens…
Great expectations, Miss Havisham, “It is wise not to plan the years ahead to completely, everything that was certain can change in a heartbeat!”
It just got me thinking. I used to be so sure, so confident, I believed that I knew myself, my worth and believed that my dreams and desires would come true. I thought that I knew my friends, who loved me and whom I loved in return. I had such great expectations. Where things went wrong, I do not know. I struggle with the memories of my past, the uncertainty of the present and daunting prospects of the future. I no longer have great expectations. Depression amongst other mental health problems has suffocated me and left but only a shadow of what I once knew, devowerd every expectation that I once had. Everything that was certain has changed. I am certain of nothing and nothing I have become. Once strong, now weak. I daren’t dream because they never come true.
Just a corpse now….
And so you pushed and twisted and turned,
Turned and twisted and pushed,
The silver blade within her,
You plunged it into her heart.
Disguised under your invisible cloak,
You had full control of her.
You manipulated each move that she made,
Each thought that she had.
Under your restraint,
Fueled with your toxic venom.
Running like an engine,
No longer herself.
Just a corpse now,
The battered down woman which you vowed to love.
Possessed
Hello!
Are you me?
Or are you a stranger simply impersonating me?
Are you real?
Surely I couldn’t conjure up something/someone so evil?
So dangerous?
So bad for me?
Why can’t I permenantly shut you down?
At least lessen the noise?
I glimpse and grab hold of seconds of silence and almost remember feeling peace.
I obey your orders,
Craving some release.
I can barely remember life without you.
Life without this pain and misery.
The sadder that I am,
The stronger you seem to become.
There are theories about where this self hate springs from,
But we cannot confirm where you,
The parasite,
Sprang from.
Overwhelmed and overcome,
The weaker that I become,
Fuels your power to possess me.
Bullies
They hunt,
They target,
They pursue,
They could pick on any one of you.
They manipulate,
They intimidate,
They know how to articulate,
And before you know it,
They have you.
Your innocent and naïve,
It makes it easier for them to achieve,
Spun in their lies and deceit,
Makes their challenge complete.
Trapped in a web,
The vulture’s pursue you,
And there is no escape,
They now determine your fate.
Tangled and intertwined,
They honour you like a trophy,
And there is no escape,
They have you,
And they’ve won.
Under their spell,
Trapped in hell,
You give in,
And feel obligated to let them win.
I would like to say forgive them,
They know not what they do,
But that is not true,
They know,
And before you know,
It is to late.
They dictate all that you do,
Until they have what that they want,
lose interest in you,
And find someone new.
They spit you out when they’ve done,
Leaving you confused and damaged,
Left hopeless with low self esteem,
Used up and unclean,
Nothing left to redeem.
Scared beyond repair,
They leave you to rot,
In hell,
Whilst they skip off into the sunset,
Looking for someone else to put under their spell.