A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #blog

Rainbow

All stories come from stories,
Fables and tales of old,
Get twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart,
And made a new.
The art is to refurbish and tell like never before,
Leaving hints of familiarity,
Subtle enough for you to question the clarity,
Yet get you hooked,
And entertain you once more.
Words pour out of my mouth like water,
Vivid,
Fast and pure,
Never preplanned,
Or to mine ears been heard before,
I must have been a muted poets daughter,
Kept back by prejudice,
In a life before,
Now reincarnated I am still kept back with not much more to gain,
So much time has passed,
Yet judgement and exclusion remains the same,
My gender now not to blame,
But this time my brain,
Some lable me as insane,
Making publishing my work a gamble,
Excusing the discrimination with health and safety,
Keeps me at the back of the line,
Instead of the front where I deserve to be.
I want to open my mind,
Open and let you all in creatively,
I’ll keep you entertained with many a story,
Some real,
Some fantasy,
Some as dark as reality can be.
Yet people don’t want to take a gamble on me,
Be it the colour of my skin,
My battle scars out and showing,
My mental health diagnosis,
My fragility,
Potential crisis.
If I was a celebrity,
Publishing offers would fly to me,
Which is something I cannot fathom!?
I am no one imparticular,
Which makes me all the more spectacular,
Because I represent you all,
Anyone and everyone,
The masses.
I could be you,
Or the girl next door,
You’re daughter,
Best friend,
Or cousin.
Instead of allowing me to rise and connect with you,
You step over me,
You do not see me,
You will not listen to me,
Despite with all of my experience,
For the curious,
Those in the dark that need a guiding light,
Someone other to hold their hand,
To understand,
I am the connect to help you through.
The one without private health care like you,
The one who has to wait like you,
The one they medicate like you.
There is no personal Doctor on call,
Nowhere to just check in,
Thats the world of your celebrity.
I will not discriminate fleeting moments of ill mental health that others have indulged,
So why discriminate me.
My illness is longstanding,
I’ve been institutionalised,
Penalised,
Accosted,
Persecuted,
Snubbed,
Ignored,
Ganged up on,
Disrespected.
I have been to Hell,
I could tell you about that,
Demons and Psychosis,
Hallucinations,
Manifestations,
Paradise,
Euphoria.
I’ve been down to the darkest place.
I’ve been up to the highest and brightest.
I’ve spoken to the people that movie characters are made from.
My eyes and ears have explored every crack and crevice of the mind and beyond.
I could tell you a tale or two,
Some you may have heard before,
Some familiar,
Some brand new,
But I refuse to speak to buttoned up ears,
Lost in translation,
Focused on fame and vaneers.
I worry I may loose,
Or confuse what has been
As my memory looses stability,
Due to medication,
And emotional sensitivity,
And so I share snippets on here,
Both to remind and for those that support me.
One day I shall tell my full story,
Awake my imagination from slumber,
Mix everything together,
And share a rainbow of novels to suit everybody,
When the world wakes up and sees my potential as an endearing literature somebody,
Fueling books,
Theatre,
Television,
And film.
My stories,
Honest and brave,
Timeless.

A Poem For The Lady On The Street… Followed By The Voice Of The Vulnerable People Of Birmingham…

Did you see the woman sitting on the street?
Don’t plead innocent,
Admit your deceit!
You saw her alright,
But instead of acknowledging her,
Your feet rapidly picked up the beat.
She asked you for money for something to eat,
Once more your assumptions and ignorance blinded you,
Why give her money to spend on beer, drugs and wine,
Although two of those are on your shopping list,
But of cause,
That’s fine!
It’s Christmas time,
You have lots to do,
Seeing family and friends,
Gifts,
From Me to You.
You will be fine,
Warm,
Happy,
Spoilt and stuffed on Christmas day,
But that lady on the street,
She won’t just vanish away!
She has no one to be with,
Nowhere to go.
This festive holiday,
Perhaps you need all the money you’ve got,
To you,
Giving a little may mean giving a lot.
But a quick smile is free,
It may mean a lot to that woman on the street,
A nod,
Or shake of the head,
Instead of hurrying feet.
That woman and everyone else vulnerable and in need,
For whatever the reason,
They are still human beings.
They deserve more.
A smile,
An ear,
Time,
Communication.
Neglect them not,
They are already at the lowest of the low,
Abandoned,
Failed,
And let down by the system,
Left on the street to rot.
Please spare a thought for them this Christmas,
I am not asking a lot.
That simple and humble kind gesture,
Could really mean an awful lot.

So… December 2016, I decided to put my actions where my thoughts were. I wanted to personally reach out to the vulnerable people of Birmingham, the city in which I was born and live, the city in which I myself am considered vulnerable because of my ill mental health. One man (so to speak) a person like myself, with no wealth, connections in high places, fame or a vast platform, cannot change the world single handily, but I can personally endeavour to try to make a small difference to the world, an impact on society, by persevering to complete my mission of raising awareness of mental health as an individual. I hope that in time, people will choose to join me on my mission, enough people to make a difference. Support me by reading my words, my poetry and blogs, regularly visiting www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk and sharing my story and experiences with those in need, people who may benefit and learn from my honesty, collaborate with me and get the word out, follow me and recommend me on social media, watch my vlogs, adiaryfromnoone on YouTube. Please don’t interpret this as preaching or a plug but one must repeat themselves in order to get heard.
Every year for the past sixty four years (if my maths is correct, which it most likely isn’t and so don’t quote me), The Queen has given a televised Christmas speech to the Commonwealth realms. Over the years, The Queen has tried a personal touch, reaching the population in their homes, reflecting on the good and bad of the past year and wishing us all a very happy Christmas from The Royals. I must give The Queen credit, or perhaps The Duke Of Edinburgh or Winston Churchill, whoever it was that had the idea to make the reoccurring speech an available spectacle for the entire nation to see, the idea was a stroke of genius and way ahead of its time. Their idea to televise media in the 50’s, mirrors today’s social media and the power of going viral. People love, “Reality Television”. Dancing kittens, celebrities getting drunk, sex scandals, a lot of trivial rubbish with absolutely zero meaning, that is the stuff that gets the highest ratings. Undoubtedly more ratings then the Queen herself, but it is the Queens role to reflect upon the people, even though in reality, The Queen is so far removed from us. So you can make a fool out of yourself, perform like a dancing monkey, lord up your privilege but no one seems to want to know or learn anything of importance. Instead of watching an incredibly privileged or wealthy being discuss war, poverty, illness, homelessness and politics, would you not rather watch/read or hear from someone who is a selfless advocate for the people’s vulnerabilities and the vulnerable sake? I would, because the message would have sustenance, the context should take the spotlight, not the person with an alternative motive of acquiring fame or popularity. Instead of the façade that people are knowledgeable or even care about the unfortunate that The Royals preach about, using a top researchers carefully edited script, rather then personal reflection or research, why is there no platform to hear of these stories from the horses mouth? No gimmicks, no carefully edited tear jerkers, not sugar coated entertainment whilst the phones are ringing and the donation clock is going up and up, just truthful disclosures from those in need, the people on the streets, the abused, the refuges, the drug and alcohol addicts, the criminals, the minorities, the mentally ill, the physically sick, sick children, neglected children, children in care, the poor, the elderly, the lonely. Keeping things simple and focussing on the issue, that is what we need to see and hear in order to learn and advocate change.
On December 23rd 2016, I went to The Salvation Army to visit the homeless, escorted by musical friends who played live music, I sat and spoke to the people, allowed them to talk about whatever they wanted, I mostly listened, allowing them to feel special, acknowledged and heard. There was one man who was making song requests but neither I or my friends, the musicians, knew what he was asking for. He said that when he is on the streets, he sings for money, we welcomed him to sing but at first he declined. About half an hour later, there was this beautiful moment where he blossomed like a flower. Very quietly he began to sing and as we listened his confidence grew and he belted out his own lyrics for all of us to share and hear. That is the kind of thing that should be on YouTube, if only I had permission to film. I gave them gifts for Christmas and expressed my empathy.
I then went straight onto Summer Hill House, a rehabilitation centre for drug addicts, this time alone! I gave a speech whilst introducing myself and disclosing my intensions and my experiences of being institutionalised in a mental health hospital over Christmas not so long ago, I read them the poem above, sang silent night as an impromptus duet with one of the service users that I had crossed musical paths with in the past, on guitar. I held an open conversation about what they would say if, “The People’s Speech” was actually a thing. I intended to make a mockumentary of, “The Queens Speech” but with some home truths from the actual mouths of some actual real life vulnerable people, but I did not get around to it and so instead, please read on.
Most of the people in rehab were homeless, some spoke of family neglect and being in the social services and care homes from a very early age, throughout childhood and how damaging that can be. Some spoke of being so lonely, no family, no friends, no security, no home, how they just wanted to be acknowledged and feel significant. They spoke of how emotionally crippling it is to be ignored on the streets. They appreciate that not everyone can afford to dish out money, they are more then aware of the connotations that go alongside with begging on the street but would prefer to not be prejudged, stereotyped, stigmatised but most importantly ignored. Just a smile, nod/shake of the head or a brief hi or sorry would help lift their mood and confidence because they already feel bad enough for being out there and asking as it is. They spoke of how they don’t have phones or internet and so all of those messages about calling support lines online, may as well be spam. They spoke of how they have no access to information on where to go for food, a bed, healthcare etc. They want more hands on care and their most poignant message was that they are there all year round, not just at Christmas, although grateful, Christmas seems to be the only time that people remember to spare them any thought.
Overall, I was fortunate to spend the afternoon with some rather hard done by but extremely strong individuals, Circumstance lead them to where they are but they are human, just like us and all they need is a lifeline, but there are very few and extremely hard to come by. I vow to take on bored what they said. I will at the very least acknowledge them, just the same as I would anyone else. I tried to bring a little light to their life, I gave them material Christmas gifts from my own pocket but I think the gift that they were most thankful for, was my time, thoughtfulness and kindness. They felt significant, and so they should.
I am not asking you to give these people materialistic things, you don’t even have to empty your pockets! I am asking you to open your eyes and hearts, it sounds ludicrous but, just a small gesture of acknowledgement can actually save lives, revitalise these people by lifting their spirits, life is hard enough for them, without being ridiculed or dismissed! No one likes to be ignored, because it is cruel, if the shoe was on the other foot and you are completely honest, I am sure hat you can appreciate my very small request, give a little light to these people in the darkness.

For The Non Readers…

If you don’t particularly like reading, I have something special for you!
If you believe in raising awareness for mental health, I have something special for you!
If you like poetry and spoken word, I have something special for you!
My new YouTube channel captivates my artistic expression from an audio perspective. The old skool “BLOG” competitions with the new skool “VLOG” (video blog)Check mine out and share it about please…
Step 1. Go onto YouTube
Step 2. Search adiaryfromnoone (as written)
Step 3. Watch my first four vlogs
Step 5. Share my videos
Step 6. Subscribe and visit at your leisure

May the sun keep shining a little longer,

No One xx

But What is BPD?

Are you better now? You look well? Are you doing well?

Unfortunately I am not better now! I spent twenty-two day’s in hospital, and yes I got discharged, but please do not be under any illusion that I am now well. I was ill before I went to hospital and still ill when I came out, I just got through a crisis under supervision and twenty-four hour care, without it, I would not still be here but don’t be fooled, it has happened before and it will most likely happen again. My struggles are not over. Good make-up and hair only disguise what is really going on inside, of cause I look well if I have spent two hours grooming and getting ready before venturing outdoors, most days I am at home, make-up free, messy hair and stuck in my pyjama’s.
BPD is not the common flu or a cold; it is a deep rooted mental health illness and something that (although for a long time, unbeknown to me) I have had for most of my life, if not its entirety.
These are the worries, feelings and emotions that I personally go through every single day but try to suffer in silence;
• Can’t see forward
• Irrational
• Distrust of anyone who says that they like or love me
• Self-Conscious
• Intense empathy for others but not myself
• Day to Day/Hour/Hour highs and lows
• Low self-worth
• Helpless
• Unable to connect with or accept any of my, “Positive Traits”
• Impulsive
• Self-Destructive
• Suicidal
• Fear of abandonment
• A bad judge of character
• Numbness
• Misunderstood
• Unloved
• Unwanted
• Beyond help
• Isolated
• Alone
• Unable to sustain positive relationships
• Unable to recognise the difference between good and bad relationships
• Unworthy and distrusting of love from friends and family
• Self-Loathing
• Feeling left behind
• Feeling stuck
• Feeling betrayed
• Feeling all good odd’s are stacked against me
• Undesirable
• Scared
• Hopeless
• Helpless

Where does all of this come from and why does it happen? In order to get diagnosed with BPD, you need to suffer from at least five out of the following nine symptoms. I unfortunately tick all of the boxes. The symptoms are as follows;

• Abandonment issues- False promises, if people go AWOL, getting cancelled on by people or if an event that I have planned to go to doesn’t happen, it is the end of my world.
• Unstable and intense relationships- Fall in love extremely quick, fall out of love but feel better as part of a two instead of being alone, worry about love being unreciprocated, tolerate cruel behaviour.
• Identity disturbance- Shift of idea’s thoughts and personality. Big thoughts, dreams and ideas, followed by fear of failure, low self-esteem, low self-worth, no confidence.
• Impulsivity and self-damaging- Over spending, substance abuse, promiscuity, reckless behaviour, self-harm/mutilation.
• Recurrent Suicidal Behaviour- No regards to others or rational thinking, all is black and everything hurts so much, you lose all regards to life.
• Mood swings- constant up’s and down’s.
• Feeling Empty and Lonely- Disconnected to the world, all living things and myself.
• Anger and aggression towards others or one self- A loss of control, all morals and principles dissolve and in the moment a lot of damage may occur.
• Stress Related Paranoia- Psychosis or impulsiveness leads to uncontrolled dissociative behaviour.
Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has a heart; they are both as crucial and integral as each other when it comes to life and living. Some people’s hearts and mental health may not function as well as others!
BPD is actually a very common illness, even celebrities both past and present have apparently suffered from it, research suggested Tennessee Williams, Marilyn Monroe, Lady Gaga (don’t quote me) but it is not as well-known as other mental health illnesses like Bi-Polar or Schizophrenia for example. If people do get into contact with it, it is very misunderstood because of the varying emotions, the symptoms are fast and rapid and so therefor without a complete understanding of the illness it can come across as intense and most probably frustrating. I know that mental health professionals find it so but that is because they are just as clueless as Joe Public. I have said it before and will say it again, people that work in mental health need to understand the patience and sensitivity required when dealing with someone with BPD., they have no excuse, but I can understand when regular people outside of the profession find the illness extremely overwhelming, but all I can say to that is, try walking in my shoes!
From a demographical point of view, if we label the number one as extreme depression and number ten as complete euphoric mania. The average person fluctuates between four and six. Someone with Bi-Polar may have long periods of nine and then long periods of two and not much in between. Someone with BPD may go up and down the entire scale, rapidly in short amounts of time and may feel only numbness in between.
The truth is I am fighting every day. I fight the urges of self-destruction, if not for myself then for my loved ones. The same loved ones that have absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to get through every single day, I don’t blame them, it is not their fault, if I don’t communicate, how can I expect them to know and understand. There are preconceptions, age, heritage and logistics to contend with and I don’t have the strength, I don’t have all the answers to help them help me. When I am irrational, I get so angry with people but I take it out on myself. I get convinced that no one cares, that I am unworthy of affection, love and care off others. I feel completely left behind, others flourish whilst I diminish and that seems to just be the way life goes at the moment. I can’t see things getting much brighter for me but I write to make others happy, to educate, to allow people to identify and not feel alone, to give others hope. I am so pleased to have developed this skill of writing therapeutically, writing the truth and helping others.
If any readers know me personally, please just say hi to me now and again as it means so much. You don’t need to ask how I am, you are not a therapist and I am not your client, we don’t need to be so heavy, just saying, “Hi” lets me know that you appreciate my existence. If you share the details of my blog, www.adiaryfromnoone.couk or follow me on twitter, @adiaryfromnoone follow my facebook page, adiaryfromnoone and actually click the links, read what I have to say, I do keep note and knowing that I have accomplished views is about the only thing that makes me acknowledge the possibility that I may indeed actually have some worth. If sharing my pain and suffering helps others out there with an even smaller voice contend with their issues, it is worth it. So please keep reading and sharing, accompanying me on this roller-coaster-ride of BPD express.

Blogging?!

I would firstly like to say that the internet is full of absolute nonsensical, unrealistic, inaccurate drivel! The modern generation depends so heavily on the internet, worldwide web, whatever you want to call it. A simple click of a button here and a click of a button there and anything and everything seems possible. Ask a question and an answer of some form, you shall receive. There is no guarantee that your search will provide you with accurate and truthful information, but you wont be left hanging, it will definitely provide you with something. Even better, it takes seconds. You don’t have to spend hours on end trawling through the dictionary, treasures, atlas, bible, historical literature because one’s computer can do it all for you. The only trouble, well perhaps not only, but it certainly ranks high, the trouble with the internet, you have no idea who has provided that information, where it comes from, how accurate it maybe, opinions get mixed up with fact, just because they provide you with something in black and white does not make it factual. You wouldn’t knowingly take medical advice off an architect for example, but there lies the problem, the internet has no face, perhaps that is exactly what you are doing, when the pop up answer to your search engine question comes up, you go along with it no questions asked. Perhaps you should ask, who the hell is answering my question? The internet is great, do not get me wrong. You can practically do anything and everything on line. You can buy clothes, food, music. You can talk to your friends. You can watch the news. We literally don’t have to leave the house but don’t believe everything that you see or read. The internet can lead you down a rabbit hole and into a maze of self diagnosis, inaccurate tests with nonsense theories, fraud. It isn’t as shiny and spectacular as they have you believe. I guess you just need to keep your wits about you and acknowledge that a real football match outside come rain or shine is healthier then a computer game that relies on fingers and thumbs. A night out with friends and face to face conversation is undoubtedly better then cruising social media all evening and hiding behind a picture taken over a decade ago! A trip to your doctor, optician and/or dentist in person is detrimental to one’s health and undeniably better then cruising the likes of NHS direct for example. Please note, no disrespect to NHS direct services intended.

Hypothetical response, “What about my anxiety? It prevents me from leaving the house, the internet keeps me in touch with the world!”

I completely understand from first hand experience, how difficult leaving the house can be. How much easier it is to confide in your search engine and history rather then actually communicate in person with another being. I know how hard it can be to say things out loud, to ask for help. That is why I created this website, I write my poems and share my thoughts via blogs because, yes it is therapeutic for me but most importantly I don’t want you to feel alone, misunderstood, unheard. You are not alone reader, I promise to always endeavourer to understand you and will always listen. I speak the truth from my heart. I share because I want to help you, others, everyone. I speak from first hand experience, I am not making things up. You can relate to me. Obviously bare in mind that we are all different and unique in our own way and what works for me may not work for you and vice versa but I share non the less and you can draw from it as you wish.

I have recently been considering visual and audio blogging via You Tube. I have spent most of today checking out what (in regards to mental health, particularly depression, Emotional unstable personality disorder, anxiety hallucinations and self harm, the problems that I have, my reality.) is already out there and I was surprised to not find that much of relevance. I would say that people often enjoy watching and or listening, if you are having trouble concentrating due to hallucinations those options can be easier than reading. I believe that this may be an avenue that I need to adventure. The trouble is, after all of the technical stuff that I will need to figure out, video footage makes things seem so much more real. No alias name like, “Noone” to hide behind. The idea of exposing myself visually makes me feel vulnerable, anxious and panicky but I am trying to remember that the messages that I intend to share are so much more important then any of my self image hang ups. Mental illness isn’t pretty and it doesn’t smell like roses. It’s raw, painful, limiting and ugly but it isn’t yours alone, nor mine, strength in numbers. We may not be able to beat it but we can accept and fight it together.

One thing that I saw when I was researching was this glamorous, young and beautiful woman explaining about how she hadn’t blogged for a few weeks because she was depressed but all was now well and she was ready to blog again. I am trying my best not to question how quickly her depression both appeared and disappeared, I have been struggling with it for a good sixteen years and counting but who am I to judge? As I have said before, we are all different. Not one remedy can cure us all. The girl spoke of how she didn’t believe in taking any kind of anti-depressant and how she was an advocate for healthy eating and healthy living, that was the only medication that she needed. She was talking about herself and what works for her but I found it offensive. Yes to healthy eating. Yes to healthy living and a healthy lifestyle but don’t reject the idea of medication. We strive to cope, understand, fit in, smile, feel well and if medication helps to enable such qualities of life, I don’t think completely dismissing medication is wise. I also don’t believe in the magic pill or that taking copious amounts of medication will cure us all together but one must explore all options for themselves and find a happy medium.

For those of you that read, watch and listen to blogs on line, please always be mindful that we are not all cut from the same cloth, what works for one may not work for you. Some people blog for the likes of fame, money, popularity. They may discuss things that they don’t know or care about. I don’t vow to know everything about the pro’s and con’s of mental health but I promise that I care, and I welcome you to accompany me on this crazy mental health journey. You may hide behind me, I will show face for all of us. Together we can share and draw upon our experiences in order to learn, educate and move forward.

It was a long one, thanks for reading.

Noone

© 2019 A Diary From Noone

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑