Abyss

Stood on the inside of a steamed glasses window,
I inhale,
And then exhale upon the glass,
I wipe both soft and sparingly first,
Yet I can only see black,
I wipe once more,
Vigorously,
Still,
Alas there is nothing to see but black,
An abyss of nothingness,
I feel emptiness,
Where is my future?
I feel trapped!

Don’t believe me, but it’s true…

As an individual, does seeing, hearing or believing in something that others have not experienced, that is not recognised on a universal scale, does that make the individuals experiences untrue? Are my accounts of experiences that are slightly out of the ordinary, perceived as irrational and put down to an over active imagination because I am diagnosed with various mental health problems? Is it easier for you to dismiss the strange things that are currently happening to me? Write it off and expect me to shut up and put up?
People believe in, “God” an omniscient presence of light and good, live their whole lives trying to please the almighty that they have never even seen or had personal contact with. Science is based in facts, research and evidence, yet the population are torn in believing that the world we live in was either created by God or a matter of chance, the big bang theory. I am not writing about this to discredit anyone’s beliefs. Information is available and people pick what makes sense to them. I could happily sit down and listen to arguments about both accounts, take from it what I will, by being open minded to all possibilities. I wish people had that attitude when it comes to my mental health and wellbeing!
Medically, my recent experiences would be recognised as audio and visual hallucinations, caused by psychosis. From an extreme religious point of view, my experiences would be classed as being possessed by evil spirits. Paranormal activity specialists would describe my experiences as paranormal activity, ghosts, aliens and so on. Sleep therapists may call it lucid dreams. Truth be told, I need intervention and at this point I am less concerned about why things are happening and want to know how and for what reason? What I am experiencing is most definitely out of the ordinary and very real, but because my latest type of symptoms are random and uncommon, no One, not the professional mental health people or my nearest and dearest understand. I have tried to relay my experiences and only received frustration and dismissal in return. I am scared, confused and don’t know what to do, but write on here and simply hope that someone else who has experienced or understands my latest woes, can help and release me from these exhausting, haunting and seemingly inexplicable episodes.
Last night, now the second or third time, I felt pressure on the bottom if my bed, simultaneously with a sound like a thud, something had jumped onto my bed. This startled me but I could not move. It then walked upto my face, smelling my breath, I tried to turn my head away and scream to startle the creature but could not move at all. I bravely managed to open my eyes. I discovered a large, shabby furred, black cat. A part of me was glad to not see a rat but at the same time, I very much hate cats and must stress that I live alone and without pets. I felt it’s fur on my face, it’s breath as it snuffed around and almost the touch of a cold and wet nose. I cold not move it, myself or make a sound. This happening just once, I could put down as a random experience, even a dream but to happen again, it was very real I finally broke free of paralysis and quickly turned on the light, somewhat disappointed to see nothing at all.
That incident plus the combination of seeing huge black spiders scuttle across the living room floor throughout the days, plus deafening sounds of music and parties when I try to go to sleep, have had me unbalanced for around ten days. Plus the incident with the self harm and blood in the kitchen, which I still have no recollection of happening. I think it would be fair to say, something isn’t right. So much so, that I don’t want to go to sleep. The tears, the panic attacks and self harm have all escalated because I am at a loss and been offered no extra support or explanation. Friends often say, call me when you are down. How on earth do you call someone and explain all this? How much can I share with the professionals before they put me back in hospital!?
I decided to google the cat scenario and I was surprised to see that, that experience is actually a thing. I found no consistent answers but people out there have experienced the same thing, some believe it to be the spirit of the cat that was once there pet, others call it an angel in animal form, others paranormal activity or demon’s of the night!?
Although I am agnostic, I do believe in angels but there was nothing good about this creature, it was not invited, needed or welcomed. When I used to get tormented by, “Mr Three Piece”, things got bad and I ended up in hospital. MY mother had my flat exorcised and blessed and he never came back. I saw him in hospital and across the road from my mums but never again in my home. A blessing and exorcism has no shelf life. Therefor if a demon or evil spirit, it should not have been able to get into my flat and invade my personal space? I have shouted no evil spirits or evil of any kind are welcome here and so please leave but the test will be the next time I sleep in my bed. I will wait until I get very tired, then do yoga, have a shower, to feel refreshed, I shall try to stay awake and on the sofa tonight and wherever I rest, keep all the lights in!
If anyone has an idea of what is happening to me, please do let me know.

Darkie!

Isn’t it strange when memories suddenly flow back, memories that you completely forget have happened to you!? I am sure you have all experienced this. May it be a coping mechanism or just down to a flakey memory.
The topic of mental health and the percentages of people with Afro Caribbean descent being treated more aggressively then those from other heritages seems to be quite hot at the moment. As a black female who has been in the mental health system most of my life but more heavily since 2013, I thought that I had only experienced what I considered to be racist encounters, via staff of fellow Afro-Caribbean descent. I have blogged about those experiences before.
Yesterday I was asked to share those documented encounters with a black mental health worker for a case study, and upon reflection in conversation today, I remembered something else.
In December 2013 I was accosted by another patient of dual heritage, she questioned my gender (on an all female ward) and consistently called me a, “Black Bitch”, a “Fat Bitch” and a “Nigger”! Everyday for almost a month. I was scared, offended and uncomfortable around her but inevitably saw her most days as there isn’t to much room when stuck in an acute ward. The staff seemed to fear her also and so she was never reprimanded. Looking back at the situation more rationally, I now realise that the described patient was transgender, physically obese and had identity issues with being from a dual heritage descent. Her bullying was a projection of her own self loathing, unfortunately, unintentionally and unluckily for me, I ignited some discomfort within her. I did not understand at the time and it clearly distressed me and interfered with my recovery but now three years later and the ability to reflect upon the situation rationally, her verbal abuse and issues with me, weren’t actually about me at all!
During another relapse and an admission to another hospital only last year, I experienced something similar. There was an elderly black lady. She disliked me from the moment that she saw me and made it known each and every time she looked at me. “You Black Bitch!” “You are as dark as chocolate, look at you!” “I don’t look like you, you darkie”. She threw things at me, glared at me, waved her Christian cross necklace at me, even tried to physically attack me. Once again, I felt sabotaged and the staff didn’t really intervene. I think on one occasion when she threw her corn beef (which I hate by the way) sandwich at my head, she was sent to her room! It is kind of funny thinking back. At the time it was frustrating, hospital is about recovery, monitoring and restoration, not more aggregation and agitation, but once again, I understand now that her manner and behaviour were more about her own issues and not really about me at all!
So two more real life accounts on my experiences of being black, mentally ill and hospitalised.
I think that I have been penalised and judged more, for having a history of achievement’s. I had the get up and go despite many odd’s stacked against me, the awol father, teenage mother, alopecia, the bullying, depression etc. I auditioned and placed with The National Youth Theater at sixteen and seventeen. Getting into Drama School at seventeen. Moving to London alone at eighteen. Acquiring a 2.1 Bachelor Of Arts Degree by twenty-one. Being self sufficient. Being an Actor. Working in education. Having all of that as my history plus my artistic expression and vocabulary to date, it seems to get some mental health worker’s backs up. This disgusts me because to me it is very black and white, basic, and I always try to see the grey. All human beings have mental health and anyone and everyone’s mental health can get knocked, bruised, fractured or broken, just like any other part of the body. No matter who you are or where you come from, no one is immune and absolutely everyone is susceptible! It is not just the mighty who can fall, and there is no shame in needing help to get back up!