A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS…

This was last years… Please check out, “A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE”

Despite this year being my toughest yet in regards to my personal ill mental health, I have persevered with crowdfunding, organising and arranging the return of my event, “A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS”. It takes place Saturday 22nd July 2017 @ 123-125 Showell Green Lane, Birmingham, B11 4JD, 12:00-17:00pm. This event is to raise awareness and money for BSMHFT (Birmingham and Solihull Mental Health Foundation Trust). The day will be filled with fun and live entertainment, with mental health at the heart of it. There will be inspirational speeches, live bands, acoustic artists, poets and spoken word artists, henna, face paint and body glitter art, mental health information, arts and crafts, light refreshments, a raffle, complementary massages, dancing, Zumba, a whole variety of things to advocate that a healthy body means a healthy mind. It is absolutely free to attend. Donations are welcome. Bring your pennies for the raffle and special body shop products on sale, bring a garden chair or a mat, your dancing shoes and be open to having fun in a family and community friendly environment, in the name of mental health. This is an outside event. Consider this your invitation! Come and spend the day with No One and friends. I hope to see you there.

justgiving/jadelaurie-hart

Hit The Target with two days to spare!

A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS! May it be just as successful if not more so then last years…

I would like to publically thank all that have supported me so far this year, those of you that visited me in hospital, those that have stayed in contact with me throughout my mental health struggles, in person, via social media, phone calls, emails and texts, those of you that celebrated my birthday with me whilst I was released from hospital for a few hours and those of you who have shared, posted and donated towards my crowdfunding. I am now out of hospital. I am continuing my journey of recovery and my main priority right now is organising my festival, “A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS”! I am very proud to announce that I have hit my target of £1100!!! This would not have been possible without your help. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and promise to organise the most inspiring, motivational, informative, creative and insightful day on July 22nd that I can and that the contributions donated to charity will be put to good use within the mental health system. This is a joint venture and I thank all that have helped once more. You are all saints! As always, this year has had so much sadness and disaster but so much so on our doorsteps of late. I am so sorry for the people that have lost loved ones in Manchester and London this year. I admire the vast amount of good people in my social media network who have come together and helped those in need. It proves that there is still goodness and that there are still kind hearted people in this world, and we must hold onto that in solidarity.
I focus on mental health because it is close to my heart and such a big part of my own life, my empathy for others whom struggle gives me strength to fight for the cause of mental health awareness. I have always cared about others more then myself. It is hard work but a great pleasure to try and create something positive for the greater good of others! This world without selfless acts and genuine good will is one that I do not want to be a part of, one person can idealise, a unity of people can actually make things happen. Together we are! Join me, and we shall! xxx

Please help me and show your support…

Positive Change is what we need and we cannot rely on change to just happen. We need to instigate it, create it, Push it and make it. Starting small, everything starts somewhere. We cannot ignore or deny the increasing NHS Mental Health budget cuts. As they keep deleting the money, we keep loosing people, it isn’t ideal but we must help because help is needed. Action makes change, not sulking in silence. Please help me raise awareness by sharing www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk and help me make positive change by donating and sharing… https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/jade-laurie-hart?utm_source=Facebook

Firsts, for the umpteenth time….

This particular poem deserves an explanation.
I have been catching trains, busses and the tube for years. I was the queen of public transport. No journey to long and far or near and short. I moved to London at the age of eighteen. I had already become familiar with the London underground from as young as sixteen, as I would often visit the, “Big City of London” to perfect my acting skills at the likes of, “The National Youth Theatre” where I lived in halls and ferried myself around the city, to and from classes. I also have a lot of family in London and would find myself travelling from north to south, quite frequently whilst in the city.
From fourteen, I would often catch a train alone, all the way from Birmingham to Devon and back again, to visit my best friend at the time.
I had been catching busses alone in Birmingham from the age of ten/eleven. Being a city girl and then growing up and moving to an even bigger city, I was always comfortable and confident using public transport. Somewhere along the way, after having my breakdown, I first had troubles leaving the house at all, then as my confidence began to grow back, surprisingly I began to experience panic attacks every time I had to travel via public transport. The sort that draw unwanted attention and have you quite beside yourself. I really thought that I was ready to travel again but evidently, I was not! It got to the point that I just had to stop trying. It was making me so unwell, the panic, the anxiety, simply wasn’t worth it. I then discovered walking. This is now my favourite type of transportation, providing that I am not wearing heels. I am not always financially equipped to rely upon taxi’s, yet I still had hospital appointments to commit to, and so I used my feet. Some days I walk over six miles but if I have my music on, know the route, comfortable shoes on, the whole travelling experience is far less stressful. The fresh air and exercise really helps my mental health, but sometimes either the weather, distance, or my state of mind, can hinder the option of walking.
Most of my best friends live in London, the city that was my home for eleven whole years. It is a little one sided expecting them to come and visit me all the time but whilst I am in recovery, such a huge journey to see them is not currently an option. I have missed many a special occasion, because my mental health has hindered my confidence, abilities and to some extent my freedom! Someone recently asked me, “Why would you let such a little thing like anxiety dictate your life and what you want to do with it? After all, what is the worst that could happen.” All though the question came from a good place, it sparked a flame of anger inside of me! No one lets their health deteriorate by choice. No one welcomes any illness or symptoms, whether it be an illness of the mind or body. No one opts for pain or misery. No one would welcome all that I have had to endure with my sickness over the years, the psychosis, hallucinations, suicidal feelings, self hate, self loathing, self-harm, the weight gain. No one chooses such things. After being so independent, it is frustrating to have to rely on professional help, support and medication on a daily basis. It is hard to understand things that do not relate to yourself, your own personal experiences, I get that. This is why this site exists. To give comfort to those that have had to endure what I have had. To educate those who have friends and family like myself and no idea what to do, how to react, get their heads around it all. To my family and friends that are simply wondering what on earth happened and where their Noone has gone!?
I was booked to attend an event this February 2016. My very best friends stag weekend. We were all invited around December 2015. I paid my deposit like everyone else. I didn’t really pay attention to details, the events venue, location, the dates etc. I paid the full fee by Christmas. Not quite realising what I was signing up for, how far away it was, how long it was for and how expensive. I just wanted to go and be with my best mate. I just wanted to celebrate and be happy both with and for him but I didn’t think about all of the travel involved. I would suddenly have to become healthy minded and confident like my old self in order to attend. I was in an unrealistic bubble, thinking that I could jump from 0-100. I would some how need to travel around 207km to get there and go through it again to come back. There were several travel options but nearly all surrounding public transport. I have been having hallucinations for the past three weeks, there has been an increase to my self harm and as the event draw’s closer, I have had to admit to myself that it would all unfortunately be a lot to much, to soon.
Before I came to this decision, my someone came up with a cunning plan. A practice journey to prep me for the journey to London alone (before the accompanied beyond). My someone lives in a place most famous for its cross (I shall reveal no more). This certain place is situated bang in the middle of London and Birmingham. My someone accompanied me one way and then I travelled back the other alone. Yes! Not a typo! I TRAVELLED ALONE! It was very hard but I was focussed. I wanted to accomplish this journey for my best friend. To prepare, as to not disappoint him. My someone put me on the train, my mother was waiting the other end and I hated the whole experience in between, but I did it. With more and more practice, I will hopefully get more and more control back. I know that I will get better with time and practice. Wild horses could not keep me from the wedding. As I went through all this for you (Jam) I may as well dedicate this poem to you also. Thanks for inspiring me to conquer one of my main anxieties. For you, Mr Dale Williams…

You call me to check that I am ok,
I put on a brave voice,
Holding back the tears,
As all my fears come to light.
A little white lie,
I say that I am fine,
When I am actually quite the opposite,
And could murder a glass of wine.
I put down the phone,
And try to embrace being alone.
Glancing out of the window past my reflection,
Lights twinkle and glisten like stars in the sky,
Through the miles and miles of darkness.
My heart still pounds.
With shaking hands I try to alleviate the overwhelming anxiety,
By transferring my thoughts to paper.
Not long to go now,
When I am off this thing,
I will feel a hell of alot safer.

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be!

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be! You think it’s bad for you? It is even worse for me. I don’t understand it but will try to explain it…
My emotions are far to random to put on a timescale, my mood changes are frequent yet inconsistent. There doesn’t have to be a trigger, or perhaps what triggers me off at one moment, will not effect me another.
I am indeed sensitive, that plus the paranoia and psychosis, makes the simplest encounters and/or communication with others rather difficult for me. The wrong look can set me off, let alone physical contact or conversation.
Some day’s seem so much harder for me to get through then others. A good day or two usually results in a bad day or two, as if I am being punished for doing well. My whole body aches. My thoughts become overwhelming, I long for silence and rest but something bad inside of me fights and talks of knives, self harm and suicide.
I try to analyse, understand, pick apart how I am feeling, what I am feeling, why I am feeling, also what I am not feeling and why at times I am so vacant and numb.
I know that my mental health condition was noticed and flagged by professionals when I was only sixteen years of age, but I was not told or officially diagnosed until I was twenty-nine years of age. Research has lead me to believe that they witheld that information as an attempt to protect me, giving me a chance to ride it out alone, hoping that it may pass with adolescents but they were wrong to do so. You wouldn’t witheld physical information about a patient, for example, not tell someone that they have a broken leg and without offering care or medication, send them on their way. It sounds ludicrous! Why would medical professionals ever knowingly send an ill patient away without care and treatment? Research suggests that should you still have a personality disorder after your twenties, it becomes harder to heal and move on, harder to learn from and shake off the symptoms, harder to pursue a career and find ones place in society.
Some research suggests, “The course of Borderline Personality Disorder is quite variable. Borderline personality disorder is likely to remit(50% by 2yrs, and 85% by 10yrs) and once it remits, it usually does not relapse. Unfortunately after 10yrs, only about 20% have stable relationships and employment).” I have had it fifteen years. Where does that leave me?
So what the hell is this illness that I have got! This illness that along with depression and anxiety, leads to psychosis and has catapulted me to four different mental health hospitals in the past three years, lead me to self harm, take overdoses, to resent myself and my life, to loose rationalism and priorities, forget loved ones and crave darkness, silence, solitude and death?
Research offers the following diagnostic criteria, “Emotionally unstable (Borderline) personality disorder is characterised by definite tendancy to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable capricious (sudden and unaccountable behaviour). There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendancy to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted (prevented) or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterised predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the Borderline type, characterised in addition by disturbances in self image, aims and internal preferences, by chronic feeling of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendancy to self destructive behavior, including suicide gestures and attempts.”
Well that is me to in a nut shell! I am undertaking therapy, support, medication and regularly engage with my community nurse. I have just come out of a terrible spell of self harming, although this time I am aware of the cause, loosing two family members, one of which that I loved unconditionally, was an awful lot to handle. I feel the creeps of something beginning as I type, something has been emerging since yesterday, this is why I am writing this blog, to try and channel some rationalism but more fool me to be honest. I cannot distract myself all day, everyday but perhaps at least, this will give you an insight to my peculiar behaviour and marginally explain what is going on with me.
I share to inform those who care, educate those who are intrigued, give knowledge and comfort to those who relate and to filter out those who are small minded, vain, ignorant and shallow. This site lays my cards on the table, should anyone fear, not understand, refuse to acknowledge, be put off by my honesty and conditions, leave before I get to know you and become attached. May honest blogs like this filter the bad from the good, sincere to insincere, I invite you to reject me at the first hurdle as it will hurt less then the last.

A quote from the wonderful Charles Dickens…

Great expectations, Miss Havisham, “It is wise not to plan the years ahead to completely, everything that was certain can change in a heartbeat!”

It just got me thinking. I used to be so sure, so confident, I believed that I knew myself, my worth and believed that my dreams and desires would come true. I thought that I knew my friends, who loved me and whom I loved in return. I had such great expectations. Where things went wrong, I do not know. I struggle with the memories of my past, the uncertainty of the present and daunting prospects of the future. I no longer have great expectations. Depression amongst other mental health problems has suffocated me and left but only a shadow of what I once knew, devowerd every expectation that I once had. Everything that was certain has changed. I am certain of nothing and nothing I have become. Once strong, now weak. I daren’t dream because they never come true.

Will I be penalised for being ill?

As you (the reader) will most probably know, I suffer from various mental health illnesses and have not long been out of hospital. A nurse/friend has taken the time to both visit and read my blogs and poetry and commented on my last blog about politics. I am not a politician, like many others, I do not fully understand politics, I only comment on things that have either personally effected me or mean a lot to my dear heart. I of cause replied to my friends message. I became extremely passionate whilst responding to her comment and I believe that it is worth sharing with you all. Being unwell, I receive a lot of care from the NHS and it is detrimental to my health. The prospect of a world without this care sickens me.

Hello Tre! What a lovely surprise to hear from you. I hope that you are well? Firstly I must thank-you for all of the kindness and support that you showed me in hospital. I value you, your colleague’s and The Queen Elizabeth hospital even more now that the election has passed and the Tories have won. I keep hearing all these threats on NHS budget cuts and how the NHS system maybe abolished in favour of America’s medical system! I hope to God that these rumours and conspiracy theories are indeed just that and that there is no truth in it, or all of that room in the lovely new and refurbished Queen Elizabeth hospital and all of the hospitals both old and new in the UK will be empty because no one will be able to afford medical treatment. This will only result in jobs being lost, financial crisis, more people on benefits (that they are also threatening to slash) and an epidemic spout of depression. The only people that will gain anything positive from all of this are the rich (paying less in taxes will surely only result in more holidays and designer shopping) and the funeral directors, obviously there will be an increase in death’s if people can’t afford the necessary medical attention that the need. What sad times are dawning!? We can complain, campaign, express regret but this stuff will not disappear, The Tories have the power and they can act upon it as they wish!

Voting. May 2015.

I am not sure where my head was at the last x amount of years when I have voted before today. This year I have felt more inundated and overwhelmed by politics then ever before. Has it always been so glamorised? The media have gone crazy over nu.10 and who will take leadership but it has all come across slightly over the top and panto! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean over the top as in information overload because firstly I am not sure if I have been given any information at all but I am more then aware that it is all extremely important, detrimental to all and life changing, once again, for us all. I mean over the top as in flashing lights, paps and public appearances, catapulting the three main stooges to the headlines like they are promoting a new pop icon or something. Listening to their constant rambling and one-upmanship has only left me more confused then ever. You see the main candidates everywhere you turn and then go to vote but don’t see their names anywhere, your presented with a list of random’s and people you have never heard of. You ask for guidance and your told that they can’t say anything because it would be wrong to influence you. You discover that you aren’t voting for the rambling fools at all but complete strangers that are part of their clan. You are voting for someone in your city to get one of the (I think) 620 seats in parliament and you are left completely flabbergasted. So much responsibility lies within the, “X” that you mark. You find yourself reverting back to the old-skool theory. Conservative for upper classed. Labour for working class and Liberal Democrat lies somewhere in-between. Is that theory even now relevant, is it accurate at all? The pressure consumes you and you think about just leaving the slip blank, but then you think of all the women that died for the privilege of voting. You think about moaning and complaining about the way the country is run over the next five years and you have to mark the box, you have to contribute but God only knows if you have made the right choice. God only knows who will win and I sincerely doubt that who ever is crowned will put the world to rights!

Bullies

They hunt,
They target,
They pursue,
They could pick on any one of you.

They manipulate,
They intimidate,
They know how to articulate,
And before you know it,
They have you.

Your innocent and naïve,
It makes it easier for them to achieve,
Spun in their lies and deceit,
Makes their challenge complete.

Trapped in a web,
The vulture’s pursue you,
And there is no escape,
They now determine your fate.

Tangled and intertwined,
They honour you like a trophy,
And there is no escape,
They have you,
And they’ve won.

Under their spell,
Trapped in hell,
You give in,
And feel obligated to let them win.

I would like to say forgive them,
They know not what they do,
But that is not true,
They know,
And before you know,
It is to late.

They dictate all that you do,
Until they have what that they want,
lose interest in you,
And find someone new.

They spit you out when they’ve done,
Leaving you confused and damaged,
Left hopeless with low self esteem,
Used up and unclean,
Nothing left to redeem.

Scared beyond repair,
They leave you to rot,
In hell,
Whilst they skip off into the sunset,
Looking for someone else to put under their spell.