I feel very much on the border today,
Sanity verses Insanity,
Battling to keep up with humanity,
Desiring being a deity,
Fraustration triggering profanity,
I am just really struggling with being me,
Wholesome and free,
Struggling with the idea that I could have been anything that I wanted to be,
When fully engulfing BPD stole everything and my personality,
Placing me in a future that no one could forsee,
Taking me off track and putting me in an entirely different category.
The correct term for the upside of BPD is called, MANIA! Wow. Talk about maximum energy, exhilarated mobility and speech. You are as high as a kite, as fast as a cheetah, thoughts rush through your brain, you feel like you are the happiest person aslive, that you have the best ideas ever and that you can do anything and everything! It comes from nowhere and when it subsides, you feel exhausted, sometimes you can be drained in sweat. You realise that so much time has gone and it is hard to remember what you have done. I’ve had the guitar out, been practicing playing, singing, cleaning the flat and who knows what else. Then snap, you come out of it and wander what on earth that was all about! It is the upside of depression, borderline euphoric but as a person with eregular emotions, you then come crashing down from one million to zero and doubt yourself, all you have done, what you have done, who you are and negativity starts feeding back into your thoughts, grinding to a hault, all super energy is lost and you feel lethargy. I have done so much, yet almost nothing at all, nothing that I was supposed to do! Excitement turns into discontentment, everything that you believed was genious then turns sour. I felt so well and now I feel so ill. If I were the sky, the sun would reflect my positivity and the rain my negativity, the rainbow is my mania and the storm is my low mood. What a distorted, unpredictable day that would be, how would you prepare for that? Wellies and flip flops, a coat and cardigan, an umbrella and a summer hat, ear muffs and shades, but there was no warning and so you are as you are, are where you are, with who you are with and you have to roll with it! Knowing what I have experienced upon reflection, is comforting, but in the midst of it, you have no idea. No idea what you are experiencing when experiencing it. It is most surreal to feel so wonderful one minute and worthless the rest. At least I have this website to reflect, share and get things off my chest. Try viewing my latest vlog, I believe I wrote that in a rather manic state but nowhere near as crazy as today’s. BPD takes good day’s and bad day’s to the extreme, it is more like good hours and bad hours but at these times, I am my most creative.