Blood Is Thick

Tis fact that you are familiar with ill fortune,
Your ears have heard the tale of many woes,
Perhaps weakening your compassion,
Pained details becoming a fashion,
That by duty you must hear and impartially adhere to,
So much so that you perceive my grumblings as petulance,
Detached you are,
This is apparent from your facetious and needless remarks,
That you have barked,
Despite my fragility.
You harbour no emotion,
It is all innocent and guilty,
When it comes to my commotion,
Because we share no blood.
Occasionally fond of me,
But only love would enable you to hear and see,
The true pitty,
Wich is my history,
Evoking such misery,
So much so that it obliterated my destiny.
Now on a new path,
I do not forget,
Still waiting for you to love me,
But I no longer threat.
I ask for nothing from you,
And am therefor not disappointed,
You are happy with our distance,
And so it is kept.
Thinking I meant more to you,
Sums me up more than what you do,
Or don’t truly think.
You compared me to them,
That’s when I knew when,
You are detached,
And I cannot change that,
We need not walk on eggshells,
Nor tango,
Waltz,
Two Step around it,
Different blood we have,
Completely different roots,
I’ve seen the apple in your eye,
Your dedication to the princess and the glass slipper,
So made of stone you are not,
I’m just the old boot,
But a boot I am,
And I must be greatful for that,
Blood is thick,
Wine is devine,
But we all need water from time to time.

Mental Health Awareness Day

There is no shame in admitting that you are suffering,
Impatient and unempathetic people may tire of hearing,
Struggling to recognise what you are feeling,
None believing because they are not seeing,
Ill mental health may appear to be invisible,
Some people need to see scans,
Broken bones and bleeding,
Or they suspiciously cross you off as deceiving,
And that is why we need to raise awareness,
There are other telling truths then seeing to believe in.
Struggling to get out of bed,
Find joy and motivation,
Psychosis consistent,
Becomes dominant,
Especially when support off others is infrequent,
Or none existant.
When your hallucinations are more common,
Than the occurance of communication off others,
Life is bleak,
You are a prisoner to darkness,
Unable to see any light,
Each day is a fright,
And there is only one way out.
Your friends loose interest.
Your family turn their backs,
The help is infrequent,
Your lover feels trapped,
It seems like you mean to push them all away,
But just like you don’t know what to do or say,
Neither do they.
Social media is false representation,
Liking a post is not interaction,
Real acknowledgment,
Or appreciation.
Choosing to not discuss life depending issues,
Does not make them disappear.
Invitations become less.
Not one text.
You are living your life,
Avoiding the mess.
Not grasping that your neglection interjects even more stress.
So instead of being strong
Firm,
Consistent,
You just slip away,
Awkwardly as you know not what to say,
Until one day it happens to you,
And you get it,
But it is all just a little to late.
Take responsibility in knowing the basics of understanding the power of the mind.
We all have mental health,
And therefor we can and most likely will,
All experience ill mental health to some degree,
So take the opportunity to understand and be prepared,
We are not all hero’s,
If you can’t,
Or don’t want to help others,
At least help yourself.
Once you understand,
Pass the baton,
The more we know,
The more that know,
The less stigma and exclusion,
More respect and inclusion,
Hopefully leading to saving lives.
We loose too many to suicide.
Rip to those that have gone,
In your memory may we be strong,
Join forces,
Learn healing,
And live on.

Broken Heart

I think the reason why I blog, write poetry, spoken word, music and reach out to people on social media is because I genuinely don’t want people to feel the pain that I do. I reach out to anyone and everyone because I feel like I have lost the contact and love from important people in my life and I try to fill that void by helping others. A heavy heart and tangled brain is a burden that often leads to isolation and fatality. A problem halved is a problem shared, because you need more than one hose to put out a fire.
I have lost friends, partners and family because I suffer from mental illness, BPD and all that sails in her. I have lost a huge part of myself, my dreams, my confidence, reputation because after being constantly bullied, denied/abandoned/banished by my biological father, excluded from family holidays and reunions and you can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so many times. I can see a world without me in it, way more clearly than I can see a future for myself. I want my own family and their only burden would be to be smothered by my love and baffled by my pride, my husband and children would never doubt my love for them for as long as I live.
When you stop going out and attending social events/family occasions, inevitably the invites stop coming in, so do the phonecalls texts and all communication.
The only comments I receive are about my weight gain, belittling or denying my illness, I receive no love off the people that once gave me so much. Do I embarrass them? Offend them? Do they honestly think self harm and suicidal behaviour is something that I am proud of, that I take pleasure in?
When you come from a working class background and you don’t get private health care, even the professionals abandon you and let you down. I had a mini breakdown last year, because of the disgraceful way that I was treated in hospital.
A family member has said to me, “If you are going to kill yourself, just get on with it and do it!” I tried by the way. At least I know where I stand with that individual.
Life carries on. I think people loose patience with people like myself. The survivors have a strong network of support. So many others leave this world because fighting depression/anxiety/psychosis is like fighting an army and no human is strong enough to combat an entire battle alone. Not even fictional characters like Arya Stark from Game of Thrones! Even her badass needed much help.
I apologise to all whom I have hurt/disappointed/upset since my breakdown 2013. I need you to know (even if you do not understand) I am ill. Would you be able to resent someone with epilepsy? Sounds a bit silly and I am not literally comparing, but sickness is sickness.
I used to reach out alot more before than I do now, because I know that there isn’t really enough help, love and support out there for me from the people that I want and need. I got so confused, at one point I was even reaching out to people from my past, whom were left in my past for a reason, sorry! Desperation is a poorly lit torch. I now understand your side steps.
I don’t need to be ignored, excluded resented by my closest/oldest (long standing) /bestest and feel that I both have been and am being.
I feel like a spare part.
I feel so tired of fighting alone.
I feel like trouble and woes just keep falling upon my shoulders.
I cannot really help myself anymore, I try my hardest to be independent and self sufficient but my demons are often all consuming. I take my medication, accept professional help but it feels like prolonging the inevitable.
Friends come and go in life but best friends should stick around through ups and downs forever.
Partners come and go in life but should I loose my current one I really will explode.
Love is so important and we understand that it should be unconditional, but more often than not, it proves not to be.
Family are your family, blood is an undeniable bond but I don’t expect my third cousin in timbuktu to be there for me, yet I do get disappointed by my immediate family not.
Age is just a number when it comes to dealing with the emotional turmoil that I do, I still need a phone call, an I LOVE YOU, a cuddle, to be held and included. I hate confrontation and so I don’t scream & shout about all this but we all know.
I think people get tired of people like me, I just want those people to know that I do not choose to be this way. I don’t want you to have to tolerate me, feel obliged to be there for me, so I silently let you ditch me but it does upset me and doesn’t help me stay on top of recovery. I have tried to communicate and hint but you are all putting a wedge between us, just please hold on until I am secure with my special someone, I won’t survive on my one.
To my blog readers I am No One, a someone representing everyone and no one in particular, but to a few I should be a special someone, and all this someone wants is to feel loved and secure to fuel the fight and sun away those dark clouds.
So never feel a burden by messaging me guys, together we can silence those terror crys.

Black Girls Don’t Cry… Returns

As a self appointed mental health advocate, I have been fortunate enough to be approached by the BBC a few times throughout my crazy journey of ill mental health and my latest opportunity was being able to share parts of my story via the BBC Radio4 and Made In Manchester documentary, “Black Girls Don’t Cry”. Due to resounding success, it is available once more. It airs January 3rd at 8pm BBC Radio4 but is also currently available on iPlayer. Simply Google, “Black Girls Don’t Cry” or https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b9zfws and you shall be able to hear two other brave black ladies as well as myself, share our stories of ill mental health. Catch it while you can. It really gives great food for thought.

No One, In a Nutshell…

I was an extremely sensitive child,
I grew up with a single parent,
The other I had probably seen about 10 times in 17 years until he disowned me for good,
I have dermatological issues caused from stress,
First therapy session age 12,
Diagnosed with depression,
Put on Anti-depressants age 16,
Tried some more therapy,
Decided I was well and that I didn’t need medication at around 19,
Put back on medication at 21,
Doses kept increasing,
Bullied in education from 4-21,
Bullied in my professional adult education,
Family troubles,
Sexual assault,
Self harm,
Heartbreak,
Self harm escalation,
Community Psychiatric visits,
Assessments,
Breakdown at 29 after loosing partner, home and job all at once,
Institutionalisation for the 1st time 2013,
Diagnosed with BPD,
Hallucinations,
Psychosis,
Suicidal behaviour,
Unable to function,
Unable to control emotion,
More therapy,
Therapist died,
No therapy,
More therapy,
Kicked out of therapy,
Disscociation,
In and out of hospital and home treatment,
Sectioned 2017….
Thus far on my mental health and life journey.
Now homelessness looms above head, after exceeding my housing association, floating supported, independant, self contained accommodation, I must now leave but the Birmingham City Council have rejected my application, three times over. This situation has had me close to attempting suicide because I cannot help but take the rejection personally. After being hospitalised every year for the past 5, I would really like a break, but the current housing epidemic crisis is breaking me. I have no children, I am not expecting and I am not over 55 years of age, despite my intense, approved and certified medical records, apparently I do not meet the housing criteria. I have been advised to rent private but with a council or housing accommodation budget! I am expected to go around the city, contend with rejection, forms, viewings, all on my own with no aid, guidance or support.I fear this may be the catalyst to the next dip in my mental health journey, but as long as I have breath, I will fight to raise awareness for those that feel they have no voice, for those of the future and anyone with acceptance and empathy, to rectify these mistakes and carve an easier path for my fellow and future sufferers.
Please support all things adiaryfromnoone and help me make positive change. Mental illness bares no immunity, anyone and everyone can be subjected to it and so the sooner we have global acceptance, perhaps global understanding will be less of a dream and more of an active mission. Stand with me. I am No One and I represent anyone and everyone of you! ❤

Roundabout…

Inspired by the TV show, West World…

See the record spinning?
Neither head nor tail,
Where’s the end or the beginning?
Round and around,
Full circle on demand,
Yet seemingly free,
Deceit!
Tis all engineered,
Placed by God,
Or something supernatural,
A force beyond our understanding,
It’s all engineered,
Designed,
Rigged,
Already chosen,
A hidden force manipulates,
What we perceive to be free Will.
Play,
Stop,
Skip,
Handle with care,
Delicately,
Avoiding wear and tear,
Scratch that,
And the sound will slack,
Skipping,
Trying to take it back.
It loops,
Circling like a hoola hoop,
Rhythm fast,
Rhythm slow,
Rhythm go,
Go,
Go,
Over and Over,
Because the master made it so.
A mirage of freedom,
In reality,
A soul trapped against its Will,
Destined only for fatality,
Things aren’t what they appear to be,
Russian roulette,
A fascade of tranquillity,
When really brutality,
A journey that you will endlessly repeat,
Yet we still forget,
The purpose as to why,
We do not know yet,
Bewitched,
Trickery,
We learn with regret,
And then we try to learn some more,
Starved with zero power,
I am mentally impaired,
But a sensitive suffragette,
Slightly aware that things are not right,
Stuck in an endless maze,
I hope for something more,
That there is some reason behind this treason,
But for now,
We lack control,
Lost in a game that we did not sign up for,
Chained to the tightest strings,
We are but puppets,
Stuck in a wretched game,
That we are forced to Play,
On this tainted roundabout,
In shades of grey.

JUST ONE MORE DAY UNTIL THE 2018 TRAILER OF NO ONE’S LOUNGE…PLEASE SUBSCRIBE AND STAY UP TO DATE VIA MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL, noone adiaryfromnoone

Subscribing, sharing, reposting, posting, tweeting, retweeting all of this and the crowd funding pledge below, will really help me lift this project off the ground. The proof is in the pudding, the more shows I do, the more information and 8nsight will be revealed. I just want to help people by raising mental health awareness. I am forever finding new ways to connect with people and this is my latest way. No One’s Lounge is a show for the people by the people, exploring the depths of mental health whilst appreciating serious creative forms of expression.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone?utm_source=Facebook

No One needs Your help!?…

I want to reach more people. I want to help more people. I want to make the topic of mental health more socially acceptable. I want to reach those in need. I want people to feel less alone and alien. I want people to accept their ailments. I will share my story and experiences of ill mental health time and time again, because I believe doing so sets an inclusive atmosphere for us all to share. I am no one, no one special, no one in particular, just a being like you, that is happy to share, providing my truth helps others contend with their own woes.
I will always write, but I am trying a new avenue of exposure. Visable documentary! Yet I need your help to do it properly. Please check out my Christmas 2017 pilot, both in trailer and/or full, via noone adiaryfromnoone on my YouTube Channel and please subscribe as well as share.

#shoutouts for those with #insomnia #Depression #anxietyproblems #worries #troubles #bpd #personalitydisorders #schizophrenia #ptsd #pnd any and every ill mental health #MentalHealthMatters & knowledge should be shared not silenced, please help me reach out to make more https://youtu.be/4mC_l48Ixkc via https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone/dashboard asap

Pictures…

We put pictures up of the ones that we love,
So where are the pictures of me?
I may not like the way that I look,
But is it any wonder?
Your neglect is affecting me!
Filling me with negativity,
As your actions loudly prove that you do not love me.
Your insensitivity is detrimental to me,
It fuels my psychosis,
Which always leads to crisis.
Perhaps a bit of sensitivity,
Will make your actions less of a liberty.
Just a small declaration from you,
Would prove that you love me,
So you don’t have to say you do.

The Brummie Black Bridget Bradshaw…

Just call me BBB! Black, Busty and Bootylicious or Black, BROKEN and Bruised, your call!? Ultimately, I believe myself to be the 2017 combination of Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw, thirty two years old, single, a hopeless romantic and looking for love! I am black with Caribbean heritage! Born and bred in Birmingham, England, I am therefor also a proud, “Brummie” and so for this piece of writing, I shall use the alias, “BBBB”!

I grew up watching the likes of, “Sex And The City” and “Bridget Jones”. These women who struggled with fashion, romance, friendships and occupation whilst living in big cities as single and strong independent women, the protagonists of two very well received, critically acclaimed prime time Television and Film were hits worldwide. They influenced my impression of life, success and romance. Helen Fielding the author of first the Bridget Jones column in the Independent and upon success a trilogy of books and movies and Candace Bushnell the author of first column writing for The New York Observer and then two fictional books that inspired both the long run HBO Television series and two movies thus far, both powerhouse women that had the balls to write about the world from the view point of single and independent women, but just like Disney lied to me as a child, these authors and fictional characters have been lying to me since the 90’s! I was inspired by sugar coated lies, fantasy sells because it gives us all false hope, no one wants to read the depressing truth, which is why most of you will stop reading at this point, but please know that it is not my intension to burst bubbles and “Debbie Downer” everything, I just speak the truth. I moved to London at eighteen years of age to go to drama school, live a full and exciting life, dreaming of becoming an actor, making life long friends, working hard, playing harder and dating, dating, dating but neither Bridget or Carrie did I end up being, I have no character to refer or relate to, because no one writes movie’s about people like me.

Bridget Jones as she comes across in the first novel and film, Bridget Jones Diary, Bridget complains of all the things that most of us women suffer and go through, weight insecurities, being single and feeling like the only woman on the shelf, hardship finding work or the right job, bad habits such as overindulging, in her case food, alcohol and cigarette’s, parents or peer pressure to do better, a longing for love and romance. As a woman I certainly relate but when I read the book again and re-watch the first film, you start to notice the details in the story.
Bridget Jones is from a middle classed family, financially able to rent a descent size flat in a descent location in London independently, with job, in between or without. Bridget has some rather solid and dependable friends, a social life, relatively good health, besides her over indulgence on comfort food, wine and fags, but what exactly is her reason for feeling the need to be comforted? She is unlucky in love, #single! Do me a favour! The lady has two handsome, financially comfortable, independent, popular men fighting over her. Spanks or no spanks, this chick should stop complaining. O.k. one turns out to be not so perfect and the other a little awkward, but pretty much perfect with just a touch of baggage and a stiffness to his character but come on, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, Daniel Cleaver and Mark Darcy!? BITCH – GOT – LUCKY! She gets to have intercourse with both, have fun with both and basically pick. She also shifts the weight, gets the job, continues to have the friends, her status never changes and she keeps the flat. Don’t get me wrong, I have read all three books, watched all three movies and imagine that there may be a fourth as the third movie seems to sit between book two and three, but now I am older, the substance of the story and the characters almost offend me, we all love a happy ending but Bridget isn’t supposed to be sleeping beauty or snow white, she is supposed to be the woman that you sit next to on the bus, your best friend, even you or me but real life rarely has the feel good finale. I am thirty-two and still waiting for mine!

Focussing on Carrie from sex and the city, she also has her own flat in a highly sort after location, a wardrobe bigger then my whole families put together, many men knocking on her door, many hook ups and flings, a self inflicted tug of war between Mr Right and Mr Wrong, or Mr Big and Aidan Shaw, a solid group of friends, conquers many occupational hurdles and finally achieves the dream, dream man, dream job, everything comes on top in the end.

Now I may not have reached my end, but if you want to know about a thirty something lady facing the hardships of life and looking for Mr Right? Read my story… It may not be a feel good story but is definitely true and probably a story that many women can relate to, in one way or another.

So out loud, people always say that an unplanned baby is a blessing and gift from God, but when you’re a knocked up teenager, I assume what people really want to say is, shit, bollocks, you fucked up, no protection, major infection, I hope it was good because you will now have to endure a lifetime of rejection, a curse, and immediate exclusion from a social life. The curse was not bestowed upon my mum, she is fine and dandy, the curse was on me, the snotty nose baby, because I have basically never found a man to love me, searched, long, hard and far but still single past thirty.

My first kick in the teeth (apart from being the teenage, dirt-bag baby) from God/Science/Nature/The Universe… whatever, was when I was ten years old. I developed a dermatological illness over night, Alopecia, so many syllables for such a grim word. Hair, the symbol of strength and beauty, it can define your heritage, gender, style and personality, mine was stripped, completely gone by twenty-one, and the most sick part is, not everywhere, only where it counts… yes, on my head and face! I have to shave my legs and private area, over and over, it keeps coming back but not on my head for over ten years now. I have unwanted hair on my fingers but no bloody eyebrows, someone is really having a laugh! I am also loosing my eyelashes, my once beautiful and captivating eyelashes! You couldn’t make this up, well you could, but I wouldn’t, it really is quite mean!
Unless it is your thing, women with symmetrical faces suit short hair, some men prefer short hair on a woman but if it were my choice, it wouldn’t be for me. Also, there is a big difference between short hair and a head as smooth as a baby’s bum. Most people associate this look on both men and women as cancerous, no one wants cancer and I can’t imagine such a look would ever be rated as sexy! No disrespect to any one who has traumatically lost their hair to cancer or alopecia. I think if someone loves you romantically before the trauma of loosing your hair (potentially forever) hopefully they love you enough to continue loving you whatever, continue to find you attractive because they love you for who you are, what’s inside, not just your looks. I see young chicks on YouTube trying to reassure people like me that having alopecia does not banish you from the opportunity to be loved and/or found attractive, some of the women even feel comfortable enough to go head commando around their loved ones, not me, my hair is my hair and I rarely take it off! No wig, no hat, no disguise and these girls are still getting, “Boom-Boom!” Well lucky them, most of them live in America, maybe I should move out there, because from my experience, guys are way less cool with it over here in England. If a man happens to be reading this, feeling outraged at what I have just said, shaking their head in disbelief at how wrong I am, my telephone number is 071984123166678999, come convince me otherwise baby!? Bring it on and prove me wrong!
At least six out of the ten men that I have dated and told or who have found out about my dermatological condition, have run away before I even had the chance to explain! When men literally run away from you because they cannot handle the idea of a woman that they are dating, having no hair or false hair, it truly leaves you in despair, because you feel like a deceitful liar, a cheat in some ways, ugly and monstrous, helpless because you cannot control the medical condition that you have, that you never wanted, never asked for but simply have to endure because there is often no cure. I have tried every type of cure, but they have unfortunately not worked for me. I am insecure because I have a secret medical condition and I am insecure because many men have ditched/dumped me for the same medical condition, in the past. One minute my lover is looking lovingly into my eyes and the next he jets off like Usain Bolt and is nowhere to be seen!
Every time I meet a new man that I fancy, as well as the usual worries like, wardrobe panic, do’s and don’ts, food hang up’s, alcohol tolerance, touch or no touch, kiss or no kiss, I always have the dilemma of disclosure or non disclosure. I am not talking about kinky, “Fifty Shades Of Grey” dominant or submissive contracts, I wish I was! I am talking about one of the last things that I want to expose, the last thing that I want to talk about ever, let alone on a first date, my alopecia. I want someone to get to know more about me before they judge me but is it deceitful not to mention it? What if they kiss me, try to put their hands through my hair, I pull back and freak out, do I let them think that I am frigid, lie about having a phobia of people touching my hair or head or tell them as opportunity has called? This has actually happened a few times, I went with frigid. It is one thing telling someone that you date or want to date but just a random snog!? I think I am allowed to have that, drama free! So a few men have stayed, most men have run, it is a huge problem for me and not one I can easily overcome. A few of my girlfriend’s have tried to console me by saying, “Hey, at least you are black, most black chicks wear wigs and weaves!” They mean well but come on, how is that any consolation!? Choosing for fashion or depending on a necessity, they are two very different categories and I find it offensive to compare. I find it insensitive when girls and women complain about, “Bad Hair Day’s” because they may have a wondering curl or stray bit of hair. I am fucking bald and every hair advert on TV, when the girls look awesome with their new product and attract all of the men, getting everyone’s attention, pains me inside. In our western society, hair extensions are in, a lot of celebrities wear really beautiful and convincing wigs out of choice, women from all over the world, but they get to choose and I don’t.

Now a problem that Bridget had, and I share with, but most definitely not Carrie Bradshaw, is weight. I have always been curvaceous but never considered myself to be fat, but it seems that I also inherited the fat gene off some distant relative presumably on my biological father’s side, because my mum’s side, the only side that I have contact with, they are all muscular and thin, relatively tall too! I have always been short but out of nowhere, I also became a little (a lot) stumpy as well. I hate full body pictures which makes internet dating a little difficult! Bridget Jones wasn’t even that big, she just looked big because the actress that played her is naturally very petite. Bridget looked well hot in her playboy bunny suit. There is even the comic fumbling scene with Hugh Grant, who refers to Bridget’s big pants. “These are absolutely enormous pants, there is nothing to be embarrassed by, I am wearing something quite similar myself!” Cringe! Those pants were nothing, you want to see my hold in’s! Or perhaps you don’t, that’s my point. I have some pants that resemble the size of my Grandmother’s bloomers, they are indeed completely unattractive and something to truly be both mortified and embarrassed by, but extremely comfortable! I also may as well be wearing a chastity belt as my flower may have well been trodden on and stomped back into the ground, leaving a sandy, dry desert with an unbelievably strong spiders web blocking all sunlight, moisture and penetration, it has been out of action that long. Four years to be precise! The only action it gets is to release urine, rinsing in the shower or soaking in the bath. Both Carrie and Bridget at least get to exercise their woman hood, insecurities and flaws or not. I can’t even get a date. I have forgotten about the pleasures that us women can discover and explore between our legs. I will probably scream if I see a penis again and may very well be the first woman on this planet that has officially regrown her hymen non surgically! Seriously, close your legs for four years and it grows back, a much cheaper way of reclaiming your virginity!

So now I have established two physical flaws, which doesn’t give me great odd’s if we are measuring physical attraction. I work out and have a good diet but with age comes gravity and expansion! My weight is also greatly related to my third skeleton.

Do you remember the opening scene of Bridget Jones Diary? Bridget sits alone in her flat, drinking red wine, listening to her favourite sad song (All By Myself) on repeat, acting it out, pyjama’s on, smoking away. I think most single women have been there! I must confess that the set up of this scene basically resembles my life. I am constantly alone and at home, self reflecting, feeling sorry for myself and lack of love life, vaping away and feeling sad, screeching along with Spotify and howling at the moon, looking at the everyone I know, all loved up with couple selfies and notifications about wedding’s, babies, winning the lottery and I reach for my tissues, but have to re-use old ones because I have no money and haven’t left the house in weeks. O.K. I am exaggerating but my point is, everyone else is fucking fantastic and I am shit, not once In a blue moon like bloody Bridget Jones! All the sodding time!
Do you remember the opening scene of the very first, Sex And The City television show? Miranda’s thirty something birthday, four best female, single friends talk about owning sex. “You have two choices, bang your head against the wall and try and find a relationship or you can say screw it and just go out and have sex like a man”, Samantha Jones. “Men in this city fail on both counts, they don’t want to be in a relationship with you, but as soon as you just want sex, they don’t like it, all of a sudden they can’t perform the way that they used to”, Miranda Hobbes. “What are you saying? Are you saying that you are just going to give up on love? Like that is sick!”, Charlotte York. “Did all men secretly want their women promiscuous and unattached? And if I was really having sex like a man, why didn’t I feel more in control?”, Carrie Bradshaw.
Well I was having similar conversations in my twenties but now in my thirties, I don’t actually have an awful lot of female friends that are still single and childless, I am one of the very last ones on the shelf and it really sucks. It is always nice to have a wing man. Any man!? Most men my age are married or divorced or have children and my options of meeting a man who is genuinely available and without baggage, seem slim to none. That’s before the role reversal when I have to share mine! I alone have enough for two and so who knows how heavy a load a couple can carry before being trodden into the ground from the weight of the baggage!? I am not even picky at this point, I’ll take the widowed, ex convict, with triplets that are my age, at least we can go shopping together. Just kidding!
Both Bridget and Carrie found their men both right and wrong from going out and living, be it work or social gathering’s. Today’s dating world heavily relies on perfect selfies and a talent at having elegant yet seductive way’s of describing ones self and conversing with a little extra something that separates you from the rest. Bridget wrote her diary, Carrie was a professional writer, I put myself somewhere in-between when it comes to poetry and blogging but I don’t seem to have the certain, “Je ne sais quoi” with online dating.
My last partner failed to tell me that he was adverse to sexual intercourse, his reasoning being that he didn’t enjoy sex, but I believe the real reason was to constantly have the upper hand in power, I gave him everything, yet he just kept pulling those reigns. Complaining about all that I did and who I was, grooming me by micro managing my routine, personality and to some degree, my finances. When we broke up, I vowed never to use the internet dating site where we found each other, ever again. I moved onto another once ready to get back out there. Thus far, in 2017, I have been stood up four times and the guy that I finally went on a first date with, was already in a relationship and against monogamy! I am now contemplating paying for a dating site, the free ones seem to be tailored towards hook ups or full of Catfish who aren’t interested in the meeting part, just the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, even months of chatting. I want to meet people, test the water’s, vibe off sparks and chemistry. I have tried speed dating twice, eighteen dates in two hours was fun but how can you connect in 4.5 minutes? I phoned a dating agency after watching, “Celebs go dating” because the set up looks quite appealing to me, meet and greets, dating, double dating, one to one feedback, the time and effort put into compatibility by the office. I appreciate that if done correctly, that kind of service would require a fee, but unfortunately I don’t have a spare £800 plus to invest in anything, let alone just a chance of meeting Mr Right.

My third skeleton or baggage, whatever you want to call it, is of cause my mental health. There is still so much stigma and misunderstanding in even the most western of cultures, when it comes to understanding the vast and diverse spectrum of what it actually means to be diagnosed as mentally ill. Once again, it is a subject that requires an opportunity to explain before people run away. My anxiety restricts how many places and times that I can actually go out and socialise because I often literally have panic attacks if not comfortable and relaxed. I cannot travel here, there and everywhere independently. My depression often has me in such dark places, that it takes me out of myself, leaving only a shell. My BPD means that my mood is quite rapidly interchangeable, for this reason I pretty much work on a day to day basis and try not to commit to plans to far ahead. Despite all of this, I still have a lot of love in my heart, I want to love someone and have it reciprocated but whether it be on paper or a conversation quite early on when dating somebody, I am scared that they will run away before I even get the chance to show that I am more then the girl with alopecia, the chubby girl, the crazy girl, I am loyal, considerate, passionate, fun, loving and so much more then my physical and mental ailments. I just never seem to get the opportunity to convey how great that I can be. My weight is actually a lot to do with my medication, not from over indulging on food. I could be so much thinner but if I don’t take my medication, I’ll be a goner. Priorities!

Bridget gets Mr Darcy, Carrie gets Mr Big, but in the real world, some people just never find their Mr Right and even if they do, their love may not last forever, but at least they get to give it a good go! I want to get married and I want to have children but time is not on my side! I think that my baggage is so specific and in this shallow and materialistic world, it has and does seem to hinder my ability to find someone that can see beyond my medical ailments. The dating game seems so much harder for me, all things considered. This is the real screenplay, I would suggest bringing some tissue’s because thus far, I don’t see it being a happy ending! Single forever, cobwebs and all!

This blog was actually supposed to be funny, I wanted to take the mickey out of myself whilst comparing myself to two fabulous, female, fictional icons. It is perhaps funny in parts, but actually left me feeling quite sad! I began writing this poker faced and have ended with a little tear. I hope to one day look back at this, having accomplished my simple desire to love and be loved in return.

Let history stay in the past, let us learn from today, and share in the future.

Life is hard for many people, usually very hard for people who are different and diverse. It has always been that way, and although there has been some positive change over the thousands and thousands of years since the human race began, ignorance and fear still breeds terror and prejudice! We are judged, marked and labelled from the day we are born. Put into categories from the moment that we take our first breath!
This life is hard and hard for many. Some people are luckier then others, they have a status, are of high class, have security in fortune, access to the best education, looks, love, wealth, brains, opportunities, all in their favour. I loose no sleep for them. I have nightmares about people of colour being abused, wrongfully judged, accused and killed by racists because of their skin tone. Homosexual’s being hung for their sexuality. Transgender’s not fitting into the mainstream categories and therefor being ostracised. Lady’s in Burka’s being feared by western society. Disabled children being bullied for being different. People who have been raped by other’s that believe they are superior. The mentally ill who are stigmatised for being dangerous to others.
This world was clearly built for some but not for others, it is just messed up! Yet we are all stuck on the same planet, if we can’t all get along, perhaps we aren’t trying hard enough. We cannot even manage to agree to disagree or turn a blind eye. This question is for the diverse, “Do we put up and shut up” or “Fight for our rights”?
I choose to exercise my freedom of speech. The world can be a dangerous, cruel and lonely place. I represent black young women. I represent women in general. I represent the black and British. I represent people from and in Britain. I represent people with mental health problems. I represent the people, people who are both emotionally and academically clever enough to realise and accept that being different and being a minority does not necessarily a bad person or criminal make. I believe in individuality. I admire people who know themselves, who are true to themselves.
Life is about more then selfies and reality television. It is and always has been survival of the fittest. If religion soothes you and you do not force it upon another, then fine. If alcohol is your poison and you can manage to consume it in moderation, fine. If you prefer holistic to western medicine, fine. The point is, each to their own. We are not robots. We all get one life and we can waste it or utilise it to the best of our abilities. A lot of people are fortunate enough to create their own paths. Of cause nature and nurture play their parts and chance might limit you, but as we have our own bodies, our own hearts, our own brains, I wish we could all make, “The right” and “fair” decisions, but history repeats itself time and time again. We keep making the same mistakes and as a mass population, learn absolutely nothing along the way.
People may think me selfish, wittering on about depression when there are wars going on out there, people dying at the hands of others everyday. Poverty. Rape. Slavery. Abuse. Crime. If someone had a blog about having cancer and dying, and there are people dying everyday, would you think them selfish? If someone made a blog about having a miscarriage, when the world is already crowded and overpopulated, would you find their pain unjust? If someone made a blog about a chocolate addiction, when there are people dying of starvation, would you think them selfish? If yes, you and I are polar opposites. I don’t think anyone reading this would say yes, I think you get my point, as would many more, only if I could reach them!
You are entitled to your own opinion and as long as you do not enforce that opinion upon others, I believe that is fair. It isn’t that easy though, not when the media or religion or culture brain wash you to keep us all in order, manipulate you to make you feel a certain way and receive information in a certain way.
It is hard to grasp certain information when it is hurtled at you in desensitised bullet points. I blog, vlog, write and share my story because I am experiencing something very real, something dark and uncertain. The realities of mental health are serious, it often leads to self harm, outward harm and suicide. It happens. When tragedies occur, like murder or crime, huge chunks of the story are left out, altered and filtered out to the public with the intention of causing shock, horror and fear. Which spirals into hate crime, riots and segregation. Bad mental health, mental illness, it can lead to the likes of crime, substance abuse, suicide and murder, but it most definitely isn’t all about that! Intervention should be put into place way before that. Only why would people admit to having bad mental health when most of society’s preconceptions and the connotations are all negative? Why confess to feeling something that could ultimately get you locked up, make you loose your job, your home, your family? People are ashamed, people are in hiding and reluctant to seek help out of fear. Other’s may not even recognise their symptoms because most of the information to do with mental health out there tends to focus on events at the end of the line, not from the beginning, the symptoms, the traits to look out for etc. Most of the accessible information is clinical, all from a text book, or a specialist who is qualified enough to know all the right answers, but shows no compassion or empathy regarding the delicate issue because he/she cannot personally relate, therefor researched results often come up negative, which makes people ashamed.
I am keeping it real when I share with you. No secrets spared. This entire website, my Facebook Page, Twitter, YouTube, all come under, “adiaryfromnoone” and it is all personal, no filter, no fabrication. My reasoning is to stop the stigma and taboo’s but also to allow people to realise that no one is exempt from mental illness. It is more common then you think, not always as harrowing as the media may portray and actually quite common and all around us! If we don’t share, evaluate and reevaluate, how will we ever learn? How can we expect change? My voice is small but my message is strong. If you read this blog, please share it with someone, lets get people talking, get people acknowledging and stop running!
Let history stay in the past, but always remember. Let us learn from today, improving on what we knew before. Let us share in the future, in order to grow.