New Years Eve

Being thirty two,
New Years Eve is nothing new,
Same old thing,
Getting drunk and seeing the new year through.
Watching the forever changing hands of the clock,
Tick Tock,
The countdown carries us from old to new,
Already putting pressure on ourselves,
Declaring resolutions about what we will,
What we won’t,
What we plan to do.
This year I have Cinderella fever,
I want to go to the ball,
Have a little dance is all,
But I have Scrooge Itus,
And don’t want to pay,
Getting older,
I now realise the value of saving cash for a rainy day.
Yet it is New Years Eve,
2016 is ending,
Out with the old and in with the new,
2017 is coming no matter what I do,
And I wish a very happy New Year to all of you.

XX No One

Why not?

After a mismatched relationship with someone far to young, immature and from a family which nightmares are made of, the idea of starting again with someone new seemed an exhausting prospect. Being ill and in and out of mental health hospitals over the last three years, living in the unfamiliar city of where I grew up, but had never been my home as an adult. I was living a lonely, isolated and somewhat reclusive lifestyle. I never thought that I would meet someone that could potentially be a romantic flame! With it being winter and Christmas around the corner, an empty social calendar and nothing but wind and rain outside, like anyone would… I felt lonely and felt a raging envy towards anyone who was fortunate enough to have a spooning partner! Lol!
I recently met someone online, it didn’t take long to sift threw the odd bods and find my new Prince. I had corresponded with a few guys, filtering the few good from the many bad. After experiencing way to many, “Dick Pics” then I cared for, guys asking me out on a date and then deleting my profile, chatting to men with babies, drug problems, anger management problems, foot fetishes, sex addictions, online dating seemed so far removed from the realms of reality.
The men were more entertaining then anything else. It was like the cyber version of EastEnders and I had the lead female role. (Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love EastEnders!) Somehow, whilst trawling through the non compatibles, I found the guy that I now call my boyfriend (it seems so strange to say it, sometimes surreal, I have to pinch myself on a daily basis as my low self esteem makes the reality of exclusively dating a man, a real human being, an actual gentleman has only been a fantasy for quite sometime.) The idea of someone liking me, accepting me, finding me physically attractive, wanting to get to know me, spend time with me seems so surreal as I have become accustom to being used, mistreated, disrespected, rejected and abandoned by men. Yet somehow the genre of the orientation of my online dating experience changed from. “Soap” to “Fairy-tale”. It’s early days but I really have made a connection with someone, a really lovely someone. As undeserved of this as my demons, paranoia and insecurities may make me feel, I will not let this one go without trying.
It’s no secret that I am unwell, that I have both manic and depressive episodes, that I am susceptible to psychosis and hallucinations, that I have attempted suicide more times then I can count on my one hand over the last three years, that I have self harming and self destructive tendencies and a rather vicious dermatological illness but none of these things seems to phase him. (He sounds a little to good to be true right? I promise that he is real not just someone that I have conjured up from my head, as other people have seen him, yes, sane people!)He has taken me from face value and seems to accept all of me, every last bit, from good to bad. This has already helped me start to look at myself in a new light, a more positive light.
I am a romantic idealist but I am no fool. Relationships have come and gone in my past and they will most likely do in my future but I don’t want to fixate on that. I am trying out just living in the moment, the present. Whatever illness I may or you may not have, it does not have to exclude us from happiness and companionship. After all, love is the best drug known to man. It’s not the right way round but I have always been a bit upside down. If someone else can like you, maybe you should/could like yourself. If someone else can love you, maybe you should/could love yourself. If others don’t segregate you from such possibilities, don’t segregate yourself. An illness does not a whole person make. Don’t let it restrict you from such possibilities. Maybe, just maybe there is enough out there for all of us. Whether it be romantic, platonic, from family or other, if you open yourself up to it, you might just receive it.
Mental health problems can be soul destroying, have us riddled in pain and surrounded by sadness, forming positive relationships just might give us the incentive that we need to wake up another day.
So reader, please open yourself up to new things this new year, join me and you may also find some happiness. Depression cuts us off, we fear that all doors are shut and locked and we feel stuck but what if one opens? You don’t know until you try. Worst case scenario, your fears were true, which wont come as a surprise to you. Should it open though… who knows what is in store for you?
Keep sane, be true to yourself, be strong,

Love from Noone. xx

To You From Noone xxx

You are the star that has me overcome,
Igniting the fire in me that I have had since I begun.
Spirals and turns,
I dance the Waltz and orbit around you Sun.
Hypnotised,
You offer me your hand,
Sparks fly as together we stand.
We step into Tango,
Dance the dance of love,
In the magical galaxy way up above.
I gaze into your Emerald eyes,
And realise,
That something special has begun.
Sharing it with you,
I know that I have won.