What excuse could he possibly have to justify his actions?
It does not take a genius or high IQ to understand the concept of being a parent.
He has chosen to ignore me.
Not Fair. For years I excused his actions.
Come up with possible reasons for his behaviour.
Now I’ve come to realise…
There is no excuse to abandon your innocent child.
Like a fragile piece of glass, he dropped me.
Blood, sweat and tears, facing my fears.
Broken beyond repair.
How is it that I feel so alone when stood in a crowded room?
I cannot relate or communicate the way in which I used to.
How is it that I feel claustrophobic when alone in my bedroom?
Quiet is now so noisy.
Like a blizzard,
My thoughts Tornado around the room.
Broken and unable to recharge.
Nothing is what it seems.
Everything is spinning,
I want off this Merry Go Round.
Blank, Blip, Crazed, Depressed.
It’s all such a mess.
If I could look inside my brain,
It would be an explanation for being insane.
Inside out and upside down,
It would surely make you frown.
Nothing is where it’s supposed to be.
So no wonder I don’t recognise me.
Did you know that I am a Gemini?
So it’s written in the stars.
Twins they say.
So it’s not about Mental Health.
I call it Horoscopic.
It’s not like good verses bad.
The twins are equally as good as they are bad.
The issue is when they bicker.
When one wants this and the other wants that.
It’s kind of hard to fathom.
So if I am I,
And twins are within.
Then thrice is my entirety.
If I lose one,
Then what remains?
What will be my identity?
I feel like an insignificant mouse in this place.
They’re only bothered about the rats.
We are vermin to them.
A plague of infestation.
At least if I were a pigeon, I could fly away from here.
They feed us, give us poison.
Ship us in, Ship us out.
A safe environment they said.
Well it isn’t.
Just a false sense of security.
I have nowhere to go.
No one to see.
Therefore no way to be or find me.
Just an empty body and a lost soul.
Powerless, no sense of control.
Just a wee mouse, stuck in a hole.
I’ve lost control of my body.
I don’t know who I am.
Diseased by this infection.
But no remedy for fear.
Keep going this way and I know I will disappear.
I want to be rational.
Go zooming like a race at the national.
Yet I’m stuck in this Maze.
My mind is crazed.
I need help.
Just because I don’t scream and shout.
Does not mean you’ve figured it all out.
Sitting around and stuffing their faces.
Standing and chatting.
Laughing and joking.
They make life look so easy.
They look at me with bewildered eyes.
They search my face with wonder.
My being here is a surprise.
Baffled and confused, they supposedly observe me.
My troubles are within, only slight on the surface.
I hope they dig deep and find a solution.
And so I can aim to be well for my New Years resolution.
A lady of greatness graced my presence today.
Yet inwardly a figurine of strength.
She talked of pain.
Told me her misfortunes.
Yet all the while composed whilst telling her story.
Even though she has suffered by the hands of others.
Tortured her for hope of relief.
Her belief in God has taken her on her journey so far.
And the almighty God will hold and carry her to her end.
Don’t tell me I’m selfish for trying to hurt you.
Don’t call it abandonment for trying to leave you.
My decisions are not about you.
My decisions come from a place I wish that you never discover.
A place with no name,
But such power and determination.
It tells me to do what I do.
Think what I think.
Stop when I stop.
So I try to block…
This thing inside is a part of me.
If I hurt it, it might stop.
Kill it, it will stop.
I hurt it, it does stop and gives me control, power, releases tension, creates ease.
To kill it, it’s trickier.
Does it mean killing me?
I want to destroy it.
Obliterate it from inside of me.
And just be…