You don’t know!

You don’t know,
They do not see,
They cannot hear,
They believe all is well with me,
They fear me not.
I paint my face,
Put on a good show.

Merry Christmas!!!

Red wine and cherry lips,
balooned stomach’s and feeling sick.
Music and dancing.
Movies and lounging.
Queens speech broadcasted yet no one is listening.
Pets lost under wrapping paper,
children full of song.
All busy with new gifts,
and the day has just begun.
Christmas at my house,
it is always such fun.
Yet we are not blind or ignorant,
we know it’s not good for some.
Our voices are small,
you may not hear,
but we wish a merry Christmas,
to you and to everyone.


You say it isn’t fair.
I would agree,
but this isn’t all about you.
I say, it was not for you to decide.
The lies and deceit,
The mask,
I fooled you to protect you.
I lived my life for you.
How is that unfair?
It is unfair that you never saw the cracks.
You allowed me to hide.
I was not a slave to pride,
I was a slave to you.
You could have helped,
supported me,
but it is not your fault.
I blame it on the black dog,
the black dog that followed me,
that I tried to run from.
I blame it on the black cloud.
The black cloud which hung over me,
despite my efforts to run or hide.
Consumed with sickness,
rotten to the core.
I tried to scream,
I tried to shout.
You never took the time to ask what I was on about.
I was left with no strength.
Defeated I succumbed.
It killed me,
I died alone.
They called it suicide.
“A desperate attempt for attention that went to far.”
I call it homicide.
It killed me.
I had no choice.
Don’t call me names,
Don’t seek something or someone to blame.
I only ask that you be more aware.
If next time,
someone needs you,
perhaps you can be there.
Shed no tears or worry for me,
finally I am free.
Finally I am happy.


All appears normal with a blink of an eye,

They don’t see me,

Not really,

They see what they want to see,

I can’t control it anymore,

My ability to project normality is slipping.

There ignorance is cracking,

All is not what it seems.

Should we just stop for a while,

All may be revealed.

Time wont stop,

The clock is ticking,

The world is spinning,

You’ll are moving forward,

Whist I am stuck.


You can hold your breath,

but still be breathing.

You may close your eyes,

but you’ll still see.

Cover your ears,

but still tune in to our worlds symphony.

You can turn your back,

but I’ll still be,


Flash Forward…

Flash forward to the woman sat on the creaking rocking chair,

Her motions forwards and backwards,

Forwards and backwards,

Captivated by the stream of Sun beams flooding in through the window,

A chorus of happy children from out back,

Staring ahead at the empty armchair,

Once consumed by the man that she loved,

A smile flickers across her face,

Eye lashes a flutter as her minds eye replays happy memories,

Fused with the laughter from her Grandchildren,

She turns her head to watch them play,

One last look,

One last breath,

The rocking stops,

The creaking silenced,

All comes to a halt.

This should have been the life or her.

That should have been her end.

She gave up to soon.

Cut the rope as she gave up hope.

Loveless and childless,

Sprang self hate.


She could not anticipate.

The life before her,

She never knew.




If you were in my shoes,

Would you not want me to call?

Out of all of your friends,

Would you not seek me above them all?

A little of your time,

A place in your heart,

A lot of your love.


Stripped and laid bare,

Fully revealed,

All to see,

Shook and fatigued,


Like a corpse,

Full attention,

They came,

She spilled,

They flew away,

Having collected everything that she needed to say,

You thought your part was done,

But really,

The healing had only just begun,

But you left,

She had no one.



When I looked into your eyes,

What were you thinking?

When I made love to you,

What were you thinking?

Were you thinking of her?

Were you aware of me at all?

Don’t worry about it,

I guess I was the fool!



To feel pain and only pain,
what kind of life is that?
I have nothing,
I only feel pain,
I lye awake at night,
feeling empty.
Emptiness consumes me and like a deflated baloon,
I am still here,
but with no flight,
loss of purpose,
I lack fulness and beauty,
tears seep out of my eyes,
like water from a leaky tap.