I didn’t mean to shut the door,
I pushed you away,
I am guilty of that,
But I did not want you to go forever.
My thoughts and feelings were irrational.
You must know that?
You must see that?
Please come back to me.
I am trying my best.
I am trying to do all that you advised.
I take my medication.
I immerse my self within the community.
I attend therapy.
I try to channel my problems through creativity.
I try to ignore psychosis with distraction techniques.
I try not to harm myself.
I have tried with old friends.
I am making new friends.
I try to be assertive.
Yet I am exhausted.
None of the above works permenantly.
I am on the worlds worst roller coaster.
My sleep is eratic.
My mood swings up and down, then super up, then way, way down.
I laugh at nothing.
I cry at something.
I can’t breath.
I hear you.
I try to ignore you.
My heart hurts.
My chest feels compressed.
I feel alone.
Super happy followed by super unhappy.
I begin to cry and I ask myself why.
Exhausted and worn out from these eratic mood swings.
But who should I tell.
The professionals only tell me what I have mostly heard before.
Friends and family mostly try but do not understsnd.
How could you understand something so complex with out experiencing something first hand, or studying.
I never brought a ticket.
I did not volunteer for this ride.
I just want off.
You don’t always get what you want!
So I guess I am just left…
Riding The Wave
All of the mistakes that you have made,
All of the pain that you have caused me,
Seem to only make me stronger.
Listen to Push you away at Creative support by jadebl3 #np on #SoundCloud
This is my second song, written and sung by yours trueky. I would like to thank Keiron Kennedy for composing the instrumental. X
Mr Sandman please help me sleep,
And help me bury these secrets that I keep.
Sprinkle the dust from the moon and the stars upon my eyes,
Allow me to enter the land of lullaby’s.
The clocks are ticking,
As time moves forward,
Yet I am stuck in a rabbit hole.
Two steps forward,
Ten steps back,
I think I am having a panic attack.
Please cover me with your arms of feathers.
Hold me close to your heart.
Wipe my tears,
And banish my fears.
I only feel safe when I sleep.
It’s the little things.
Try to limit your expectations.
Not everyone has the same values.
I dropped my guard.
I thought we wanted the same thing.
I thought we were on the same page.
It’s a complicated thing, trust.
It needs to be earned.
Don’t give it away to easy,
Or you might just get burned.
If you are diagnosed with depression, is it because you have an inability to control your emotions or is it because you don’t understand them? Is it weak to confess? Surrender to the heavy pain in which depression brings.
I sit here and I wonder… why am I unable to just get on with it like everyone else? My brain goes into replay mode where I shuffle and playback bits of my life, the memories contaminated with false ones, hallucinations and psychosis leave me spinning.
I can’t breath.
I can’t remember.
I am not sure.
All the while I want to scream out but no one will hear.
I reach out but no one is here.
It passes… or does it?
Just pushed deep down, burried.
It hasn’t gone anywhere.
Not so deep down, I am still a mess,
And I wonder,
Is it me?
Is it my fault?
They seemed so kind and attentative,
This group of men not boys,
Charmed by each,
She did not retreat,
She let them in,
Should she have loved them all,
Would it be a sin?
They challenged her,
Saying only one of them could win,
The decision must be calm,
She talked of how she loved them all,
This was her downfall,
No longer patient,
One or none,
She is alone,
Back to where she started from.
Lay on her side,
This lazy child,
Sighed ever so slightly,
Usually feral and wild,
Just a girl,
Tears streamed out,
As she cried.
The whispers deadly call,
Waves of intensity,
Destroy all logic,
I fear death not,
I want numbness,
I don’t intend to hurt you,
You’re barely in my thoughts,
For this I am sorry,
Should guilt travel through with death,
I welcome the burden.