A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Category: Blog (page 2 of 22)

Natures Duress

Thunder and Lightening,
Shooting out from my chest,
My mind is overtired,
And I am in desperate need of some rest.
Panic is my duress,
The storm is the symptom,
The bursting from my chest,
More than a feeling,
This physical torture,
This trauma,
This disorder,
The catalyst is stress.
The test,
I thought,
Was to initiate control,
To appear less of a mess,
But that is just suffocation,
Enabling imprisonment,
And suffering in silence,
Do not contemplate,
Or over compensate,
Let it all out,
Let it go,
The energy will release,
Warrant you or not,
The art of manipulation,
Would be an over compensation,
And it may take some time,
Some embarrassment,
Some challenges,
Many sleepless nights,
Brain freeze,
And much self reflection,
To come to realise that,
A Panic Attack,
Is natures scream!
A vicious beast,
With venomous fangs,
And claws like daggers,
Anxiety,
It will come without invitation,
And it will not be silenced,
Think as to why it is happening,
Not how to stop it,
And you may find the answer to both.

BBC Radio4 11am Friday 20/07/18

I want the topic of mental health to be accepted. For it to be considered normal and understood by all, young, old, gay, heterosexual, LGBT, black, white, all of the above and more, with absolutely no exception. As easy as the concept that we humans understand, and as mankind we accept unanimously; the Sun brings day and the Moon brings night! May there one day be a global acknowledgement that #mentalillness though it may sometimes be invisible, it is very much real, vast, powerful, all consuming, unavoidable, even arguably be contagious, with many variables at the roots, nature, nurture, genetics, there is one thing we know for sure… absolutely no one is immune, so let’s get honest and acquainted… how else may we learn and the become familiar!?
As noone adiaryfromnoone I am just trying to put some light where it is dark, share my truth and experience, comfort those who feel like they are misunderstood and alone, be truthful in honour of those who feel they must hide away, fly the flag for my fellow sufferers, inform the professionals from an emotional and less text book angle, educate the clueless pillars chosen to lean on. Let us not be ashamed. Let us not suffer alone. Let people gain knowledge before they judge and criticise. Let’s start with communication. Listen up…
“Black Girls Don’t Cry”

Anti-Clockwise

All of a sudden you hit a brick wall,
And in slow motion you begin to fall,
Before crashing,
Like a phone malfunction,
Or computer virus,
Unbeknownst to yourself!
System down,
No control,
You’ve been hacked.
You have been rewound back in time,
Stolen,
Kidnaped,
Catapulted through an anti-clockwise time blurring tornado,
Until an abrupt reset and play.
You are back in a place where chapters were closed,
Forgotten,
And knowingly,
Once locked,
And blocked,
From your memory.
Somehow things just don’t seem or feel right,
Unsteady feet,
Disorientated,
Unable to recognise the difference between day and night,
Black and White,
It’s neither,
It’s either,
Possibly both,
Between the lines,
In the thick of grey.
Clues are there all the while,
But the chimes you cannot hear,
And the hands you cannot see.
You have been here before,
Yet this is unfamiliar territory,
You recognise the place,
Everyone’s face,
But something is awry,
Not natural or what they are supposed to be,
Because this is the second time around,
It just took a while to see,
Identify that,
I was picked up and dropped but the timing is off key.
Your hopes,
Your dreams,
And your achievements muffled.
What was,
What is,
What will be,
Scrambled.
Friends,
Family,
Loved ones misplaced,
You have stumbled,
Tripped,
And scratched your memory chip,
Lost time,
Gone back in time,
At the same time somewhere the eye cannot see,
Unsure of visions or reality,
Trying to find your feet,
But everything is off beat,
Your mind and your body,
They have been separated,
Ripped apart,
Running wild on emotions,
Lead by the heart,
My chaos just a muse for other peoples art.
I was trying to pick up from where we had left off,
But our journey had already ended.
I was supposed to start again,
But instead of somewhere new,
They took me back to you,
Where everything started.
Old friends,
Old home,
Old life.
My situation gave us a second shot,
But our relationships had already rot,
I was just dazed and confused,
The chapter had ended,
The book had been closed,
This jigsaw puzzle burnt,
I forgot and you entertained it,
For reasons I know not,
Curiosity?
You could not have also forgot?
Ten years of no contact,
Or silence,
Is an awful lot!
I regressed to a younger self,
Of cause we were older now,
Yet this didn’t play on my mind,
Everything was old,
It took time to feel new,
To catch up and be on the same page.
Trauma,
Relocation,
Life was like an animation,
I didn’t really know what was going on.
Reaching out to what I thought was safe,
Familiar,
Not recognising that we were strangers now,
Unfamiliar.
It’s double confirmed now,
I understand.
Nostalgia is sweet,
But one must learn when to accept defeat.
I thought I had been bought back to make amends,
That an old place,
Meant familiar faces,
Thus reigniting relationships with old friends,
I was so sure,
I didn’t hold back,
I lay it on thick,
And when cracks appeared,
I honestly feared,
That we had gone full circle,
And that this is where the book would end.
You ran away from me.
I understand now.
I might have even done the same,
If I didn’t recognise,
Dig deep from curiosity,
Or just blatantly see,
The shell of a body,
But oozing with dazed mentality.
I had forgotten about the silence,
The time lapse,
And therefor pushed,
But it was a force already broken.
I only realised this the other day,
Now that I am more content,
After letting you’ll go,
And finding my own way.
Our second chance is an inexplicable mystery,
The wrong path to take on my journey to recovery,
I needed a pillar,
But it was not for you to lean upon,
So let us lay it now to bed,
I meant you no harm,
And did not mean to do you wrong,
I think we are all content now,
To remember one another,
But move on.

Me Too… No More!

Sticks and stones may break your bones,
But names will never hurt you,
That’s what they say,
Teach us from very young,
But that doesn’t mean it’s true!
There is evil in silence,
When used to manipulate you,
Great harm in words when used to belittle you.
Hands are meant to build things,
But can be used to break you.
We should not be played with,
Receiving physical,
Or emotional abuse,
Should not bring you shame,
Those that inflict it are to blame.
Sexual abuse,
Being forced into engagement,
Is never ok.
Consent is key,
We should never be made to feel like we have to obey.
Yet there are monsters out there,
That feed off inflicting pain.
That is not your fault.
What you have been made to endure does not make you weak.
You are stronger than you know.
You are a survivor.
I know it is not easy,
But they gain from our silence,
And can inflict more violence,
If we don’t speak out,
Call them out,
Then how can we help ourselves?
Help others?
You have endured the worst,
You are stronger than you know.
It takes great courage to admit such woes,
But there lies the key,
To break the chains,
And let you go,
You are stronger than you know!

Placenta…

Who,
what,
Or how,
May impregnate,
But the birth itself is the trauma,
And the placenta is the monster,
Thus mental illness is born.

The thorny crown,
Heaviness on my shoulders,
Weighing me down,
Imprinting a crown,
That I force upwards,
Away from the ground,
To fool you all,
And appear sound.
Drip,
Drop,
My tears fall,
Consumed with worry,
I want to bang my head against the wall,
Caught consuming negative emotions,
Like catching a ball.
My picture fell,
As I dwell upon my worries,
Is this a sign from hell,
Telling me what is to become,
I am definitely unwell,
History suggests that this won’t end well,
Poisened I am cursed in this endless torturous mental health spell!

Dark Mind…

The most scary place that I have ever seen,
Is far worse then you can imagine,
Way beyond your darkest dreams,
Because you are not confronted with how real it seems,
But a reality most revealing,
Where terror brews not from paranoia,
Fear of the unknown,
But simply,
And unmistakably,
What is,
I have been,
I have witnessed,
I have been imprisoned,
In the timeless,
Commonly never opened,
Nor revealed,
Vermin infested part of the mind,
Where what we commonly know as darkness,
Is light,
Leaving nothing out of sight,
No boundaries,
No filter,
All monsters roam free,
There is nowhere to hide,
And they are all after Me,
If you don’t believe,
Stay blissfully in denial,
If intrigued,
I warn You,
Stay away,
You are free,
This is a place of horror,
That you do not want to visit,
Or see,
Because there is no coming back,
It has a hold of many,
And has brutally captured Me,
Life now,
Will never be the same as it used to be.

Devils Whisper…

I see what you don’t!
I wish that I could open your eyes,
Rid of your blindness,
And finally let you see,
The beautiful colours around you,
That glistens around your circumference,
All at once,
From below,
And above,
Engulfing your whole mortal coil,
Your entirety,
Love radiates energy that transpires so loudly,
When it is pure,
And true,
It is visible to all,
But seemingly not you!
Somehow blind to it,
You are missing out on this organic beauty,
Is it your mistrust?
Or did I trust too much?
Are your faults to blame?
Or a fault of mine own?
Why am I even a factor?
I know that I have done no wrong,
At least not intentionally,
It’s a two person ticket on your love train,
But,
Envy,
Insecurity,
Suspicions of infidelity,
The devil whispers in your ear,
Clinging onto you,
Trying to ignite flames of jealousy,
Reaping from making you unhappy,
That negativity was his work,
Deceived,
You thought ill of me.
You being untrustworthy of me,
Has truly grazed me,
Bruised me,
And now I fear that it may not heal.
I know no other way to be but myself,
And so I wonder,
Am I at fault?
If so,
Will I continue to be,
Because I know not what to do,
But be myself,
Honest and true,
I would never betray you.
Has the Devil tainted your vision?
Distorted you perception?
Manipulated your impression?
Shaken you up enough to feel owed a confession?
When in fact this was the devils mission,
I have nothing to confess,
Yet I fear that my innocence has left you upset.
I now know not how to act,
What to do,
And fear that the only resolution is to distance myself from you.
I lose two,
But love should always come first,
If my absence is your remedy,
I back down humbly,
But let my actions not fool you,
I accept this duty for the saviour of your romance,
The only love I have ever had for either of you,
Has always been equally platonic.
Either way indecent thoughts were felt,
And travelled from a Devils whisper,
Delivered by your tongue,
Like a bullet to my head.
My heart belongs to another,
And even if there were any truth in the sabotage,
And Devils lies,
I hope one day you may recognise,
That I am loyal,
And would never betray someone,
Some two dear to me,
Never you,
Never you two,
I hope one day,
You may sincerely accept that fact loud and clear,
And come to love and trust me again too!

Without today, there will be no tomorrow! Without tomorrow, there is no today!

Things from the past,
Cannot be left behind,
Because they are also things from the future,
We may think that we have it all figured out,
That we understand,
That we can explain,
Learn from what was,
And as we try to move on,
From what has happened,
We are blind to what will become,
Always coming back around again,
And again,
The circle never ends,
It just keeps on spinning,
Hitting repetition,
Before we even realise,
And activate recognition,
Thinking we are moving forward,
When in fact we are stood still,
In a void that only time never stays put,
Opening doors,
And keeping some shut,
Where we believe that we have the power,
The ability to input,
Output,
When the reality is that we are stuck in a rut,
Where the future becomes the past,
And with the past forgotten,
We once more find ourselves in the future,
Over and over,
I know not yet where this ends.
Only,
Without today there is no tomorrow,
Without tomorrow there is no today!

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