A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Category: Blog (page 1 of 22)

Stir Crazy

I thought that I should write this blog as food for thought for all the people out there that have thankfully not caught the virus and are obediently staying at home. We can all imagine how covid-19 must feel to some degree. We have all had dry persistent coughs, flu, temperature, wheezing chests, shortness of breath at some point, most likely not all at the same time and certainly not to a critical degree, but we have been told the symptoms and know what to look out for, drawing from personal experience. We know the precautions, washing our hands for a minimum of twenty seconds, lots of anti bacterial soap, sanatiser when out, not to cough or sneeze on others, catch it/bin it/wash it, stay at least two metres apart from all people outside of your household, do not visit friends or family, no social interaction. The rules are very straight forward, but what they have not prepared us for is the grueling amounts of family indoor time in a world where people are so very used to social interaction. From using public transport, to walking through town, being at work, school, a place of religion, the gym, local swimming baths, parks, cafes, restaurants, pubs, all taken away in what felt like overnight. People whom are isolated alone are really missing physical interaction, touch, hugs, shaking of hands, simple gestures are now band. Phonecalls and video calls don’t give the warmth and comfort of face to face.
Family’s, couples and flatmates are winding one another up. Domestic violence has jumped to fatalities, a step too far, without intervention.
Our society, as a nation, we have never been prepared for a lockdown. Only survivors of ww2 may have known something similar. We live in a free world, where we are out and about all of the time. To have what feels like, your freedom being taken away, has tested many beings and they have failed. People don’t like solitude. People’s wings have been clipped. This is because all the advice is about our physical health, not our mental. In fact alot of people with ill mental health are coping better than those sound of mind, because self isolation (be it chosen or not) creates a bubble of safety. Whilst you struggle with your mind, thoughts, delusions, anxiety, depression, psychosis behind closed doors, it remains private, solitary and contained within four walls. Going outside can be a sensory overload, and so you sacrifice being sociable, activities, celebrations, as to not draw attention to oneself. Friends and family drift away as they forget you, and aside from medical support, no one seems interested in helping you, because they have no self experience to enable empathy in order to connect with you. Well wheen this pandemic is over, please rember how lonely you felt, how trapped, forgotten, scared, paranoid and unloved and show some love to those that you know with ill mental health, those of us who have been in self isolation for years. It is a precaution, or fear, not all choice that leads people to cut themselves off from the world, mental illness is a sickness that is systematically contagious like the likes of Corona and so you have no excuse but to reach out if you know someone mentally ill and you are well!
Most people with ill mental health that I have spoken to, they are doing just fine because self isolation is not alien to them. I thought that I was winning until I came to realise how sad it is, that I have been self isolated for the best part of seven years. As someone whom used to love socialising, the realisation is very sad. All those that I socialised with are much slower, but still going, but so used to my absence that it has become, “THE Norm”.
Family invitations have ceased, I used to feel like part of the core.
We live in a selfish materialistic world, I hope when this all ends, we will all be a bit more conscious of our family and friends that are still consumed by isolation and reach out to them!
The shops and streets are quiet, I like the lack of noise, distance enabling personal space, the quiet and still rather than hustle and bustle of bustle. Where as most find it eerie.
Alone, I would have ended up sectioned for sure, but having my love is of great comfort.
I send love and well wishes to those that have/had the virus. My condolences to those lost and their friends and family. I urge the people at home going stir crazy, to remember this is only temporary, to enjoy solitude or family time, company and companionship, they are gifts that you all should be greatful to have. To not become complacent, document this journey and so we may tell the new and young of this ordeal and how to avoid it happening again. To count your lucky stars, if self isolation and ill mental health were alien to you before this, know that this is temporary and that your normal shall return but be even better, because you will be greatful.
If you are struggling mentally, please don’t suffer in silence. Your feelings are warrented. If I can stumble through seven years, you can sail through upto seventeen months!
Having space is OK, communication is key. These trying times are testing and may even break the strong, but solidarity is our goal. Together we are strong. Do not threat over tears and tantrums, releasing emotions are healthy, home alone or with every man and the dog, please stay connected, open up and talk things through.
We are all doing so well. Good can come from bad. Creases ironed out, make amends and give all your loved ones a shout. Time is precious, we cannot afford to be bitter. I have scratches but also open wounds from people whom have side stepped me and my illness, that created a wall but I will meet you half way, let’s knock it down as we all make mistakes, we all get ill, life can take us on some strange journeys to find peace but alongside me, if that is your goal, just reach!
It can take great misfortune for some to realise what is under their nose, to initiate forgiveness, to clear ignorance and enable space and room to build, love and grow.
If you ever wandered what secluded, isolated, hermit, vulnerable mental and physical people are going through, I think it fair to compare to this,only less certainty of an end, less of an urgency to mend, swept under the carpet, not headline news.
If you are going round in circles, Banging your head on the wall, please remember that this scenario has been someone’s long time, not a in the mean time. They deserve some of your love.
Keep active, stay strong, we will overcome Corona, Covid-19.

Covid-19 versus Mental Health

Speaking to fellow people that suffer from ill mental health, the overwhelming feeling of lock down and isolation, which is such an alien concept for most people, not at all sound of mind to contend with, is a very much unwanted first for many but actually the norm for many people whom suffer from ill mental health. Social anxiety/depression/psychosis often isolates mentally vulnerable, especially single people. These symptoms often lead to self isolation, triggering loneliness and paranoia, boredom, weight gain, weakening of the immune system. Loneliness can kill. This is an unfortunate pandemic but also a lesson in the usual day to day life of many of our mentally ill and vulnerable. What a horrid but memorable way of wearing shoes on the other foot. Hopefully when the world pulls through to the other side, remember this feeling and contact the vulnerable loved ones in your life.
My paranoia has been high for a while. What really upset me is that I have tried to safeguard myself by being in the company of my partner, but it is a fair distance from my abode, trying to get enough medication to see me through a few weeks, to avoid public transportation and leaving the house has not been permitted. Yet in the past when I have travelled abroad, there was no problem. Maybe they thought I was being over dramatic/sensitive; paranoid, and I wish they were right but it seems my paranoia is warrented, only as anticipated, I am in no state to trek and beg once more. I appreciate them holding the reigns on controlled drugs but their inability to stick to a decision, giving me false hope and then wasting my time has made me more ill than taking a weeks worth of meds in one go would have done.
Everyone is paranoid, fearful of the unknown but I’ve been wearing masks since last year as my OCD has esculated and remained untreated. I am frightened to go out and use public transport and no calming words or percentages will ease the panic running through me. What happens if I cannot force myself out, if I run out of meds?
Ultimately I know that this virus is like nothing we have ever personally been through. Please telephone/text/video chat and check in on your loved ones. At times like these, it is easy to forget that you are loved and I bet you are. If you are going stir crazy and feel you have no one to talk to… Please just message me.
#bekind #togetherwearestrong #dontbeselfish #declareyourlove

Talk To People…

So the caption and advice of, “Talk To People” is an endless trending message re. Mental Health these days and I thank those with a platform whom are willing to discuss ill mental health, as we live in a follow fashion society and celebrities posts are listened to, influence, motivate Joe public more than The Royals/Politicians/mental health specialists and survivors in recovery like myself these days, especially for the young ones, whom inevitably are our future.
I like that mental illness is being discussed rather than shunned and hushed, it’s on the radar and people are getting more acquainted with mental illness and what it may mean. Yet there is still an ambience of being sugar coated, polished, filtered, watered down and cut. Ill mental health has a vast spectrum and many, many layers. It is complex, it has no cap or guaranteed time limit. Each experience is personal. Most experiences have a domino effect and the pain unintentionally ripples through our nearest and dearest. Some people just aren’t equipped to help and support people in immediate/impulsive/high risk/sudden/long standing crisis and that is OK, often there needs to be professional intervention. Unless someone has been through something similar personally or knows of someone and how the mental health system works, therefor having empathetic ears and memorised go to responses, hearing that someone is suicidal is a huge responsibility that may have a knock on affect and cause detrimental damage to the chosen someone, making them feel guilty, some part responsible, to blame and then mentally unwell due to the strain and guilt. Not everyone is equipped to deal with another in a mental breakdown/psychotic episode/crisis and that is OK, but something we must teah and preech before sending out a global message to those that are unwell, saying just tell someone/anyone when not everyone can handle the responsibility and then the rejection could make the ill more sick.
Not everyone has empathy and emotional common sense. Generation’s/Religion/Nature/Nurture/Upbringing/Exposure may sway our minds in response to comprehending the magnitude of seriousness mental health issues obtain.
Many people turn to social media for help, not understanding that social media is simply smokes and mirrors, people are more into putting out than even giving attention to what comes in. The ill persons message and cry for help may not be seen until too late, maybe just not even at all. People love to post messages of love and heartache after lives are lost rather than being around to comfort when people are on the line. It is all rather insincere.
Clueless people yet my own loved ones have said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like that”, “Do you think you are the only one”, “If you’re going to do it (commit suicide) hurry up and get on with it”, “We are all fucked up, not just you”, “You know we love you” post suicide attempts and so that is why I do not reach out to anyone, because abandonment and rejection are two heavy symptoms of my Borderline Personality Disorder, if I am feeling suicidal, reach out to friends whom never check in, family whom say the above, my impulsivuty will be the final straw. If you reach out for help and don’t receive it, it will make you worse, so being advised to just confide in anyone is poor advice, it’s a goal but we are not all there yet! Maybe that someone is great the first time but flash forward three years, they are over it with a call my bluff attitude or tough love, or even nonchalant way of thinking, distancing themselves from you, purposefully excluding you, segregating you, not realising that the sick persons actions are not a choice and cannot be switched off for respite. I guarantee that the strain they put on you does not even contend with what they are going through. Please don’t neglect your duty of care to your daughter/sister/mother etc. External support can be critical but love is a powerful medicine!
Sometimes when in need, I haven’t even been able to get in touch with my mental health team and two-five hours later when I do, the advice is nothing more than common sense, which is not a remedy for someone out of their mind.
If you cannot call anyone that you know, please call the likes of the semaritans.
If you don’t like talking or even know where or how to start, please call 999 or 111 and they will act accordingly.
Please think about what options you have and try them all before attempting the final straw.
Flashback a few months to a year before you hit rock bottom. Please go to your GP and disclose your ailments, they will refer you accordingly. Figure out what distraction techniques work for you when you are having a bad/hard time. Even if without detail, let someone you are close to (family/friend/colleague/partner) know and so they are in the loop. Remember mental illness is more common than you would think and therefor the stats of ignorance and ridicule are slowly dropping.
If you cannot talk face to face or via text, please write a letter or blog or poem, you don’t have to send or post but it may be an easier way for you to share your vulnerability.
Someone out there loves you or that someone is coming. You deserve love, kindness, patience, understanding and happiness.
Who knows what happens when we go, I guess in this lifetime we will never know and so please hold on, it’s a bumpy ride, but try not to check out before the end, it will come, so please wait and let it, this suffering may have a purpose but only time will tell, if you keep defying and reaching, don’t let the darkness eat you! ❤️ ;

Panic Attack…

Heads pounding,
Chest on fire,
Can’t catch my breath,
A pin drop sounds like a satanic choir.
Anxiety has me pinned down,
Vision blurred,
Overwhelmed by sound,
I cannot remove the burden of this thorned and bitter crown.
Where is all the air,
My word bank suddenly empty,
Tears fall,
This isn’t fair.
I cannot articulate what’s happening to me,
Despite all to well knowing what it is,
I must ride it out and get through like each time before,
Another panic attack fueled by anxiety.
Each time it feels like death has found me,
Until all of a sudden I am free!
How long until the next one will be?
The unsurity,
Enhances insecurity,
Not knowing simply gives me more anxiety,
Paranoia kicks in,
I loose all rationality.
I fight this constant battle,
It never gets easier for me,
But I shall not blame myself, Nor beat myself up,
Each time I get through,
Is a victory!

ASK TWICE…

This is the link to my most recent freelance blog. Ultimately everyone suffers, we all have lows and we all have highs, yet the frequency of either cannot be predicted nor helped. It is always nice to know that someone has your back, I don’t mean the people that talk to you once a year but the people whom are constantly and consistently in communication and contact with you, your genuine loved ones, your real friends for life, your blood bound and cherry picked, dearest, special family. We all get busy, swept up and often drift away from one another from time to time life is tough, we are all fighting and surviving, we may not know or notice when someone needs support but we should, there is no excuse. Let us not wait for a crisis before we reach out. Let us be there for one another, truly, whole heartedly, 24/7. Let’s not assume people are OK let’s know and be sure. Reach out and make your love known, show an interest, stay upto date and if there is a problem, let us intervene early and not too late. Ask Twice…

https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/10-steps-asking-twice-if-you-feel-someone-isnt-fine

I Know

I whisper,

But my message is strong,

From witness,

And endurance,

From my sole,

I sing our song.

I step forward,

To escape where I am coming from,

But overcome with stillness,

I cannot transit in the right direction.

Shattered glass,

That stranger is not my reflection,

Not even a resemblance,

My cocoon now a burden,

Heavy,

Fragile,

And old,

I cannot manoeuvre this creature that is apparently I,

And even get out of bed.

I feel alone in a room full of people,

I once bloomed under the spotlights,

And waltzed around the room,

Charming,

And delightful,

But this spiteful cognitive impediment,

Grows by the day,

All consuming,

Leaving me changed,

My old self defied the law of gravity,

Evaporation seemingly permanent,

Just drifted away one day,

But my soul,

Thoughts,

Emotions,

Still weigh heavily,

Anchored.

My intentions to comfort others,

Rather than seek Solace,

Are a selfless and natural act.

Retribution from a past life perhaps,

Have lead me down this long and winding path.

I know pain,

I know anxiety,

I know depression,

I know psychosis,

I know dissociation,

I know BPD,

I know ADHD,

I know.

If the endurance of this suffering has one silver lining,

It means that I can hear you without judgement,

I offer you my hand,

You can lean on my shoulder,

And together we can soldier you through to the next chapter.

I must physically let you go at this stage,

Let you take flight,

To help yourself and others fight,

But will think of you always,

As what we share,

Enables a deep connection,

A bond that cannot be broken,

Makes us one,

An ode to Lady Chatterley and her Lover…

An affair is an affair,

No matter how discreet,

And softly spoken,

Deceit is deceit,

A break of vow,

A break of trust,

Relentless,

Lady Chatterley lay her trap,

And trip trap did the woodsman go,

Love lost,

Lust gained,

Heads lost,

In heatful debauchery,

Hasteful in Lust,

Denying another’s Trust,

Disregarding all moral compass,

No matter how discreet,

One can always smell the stench of deceit.

Naughty Girl by Cleo Holloway “18 – SoundCloud

Listen to Naughty Girl by Cleo Holloway “18 by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

My little sister is my angel in human form. We have a stronger bond than most syblings, despite our 25year age gap. When we are together, sometimes she matures whilst I shed a little of my maturity and we meet in the middle. She is intelligent, well mannered, funny and of cause extremely talented. Please check out this song and share, share, share… Its one for the kids but adults seem to be loving it too! Click the link and see/hear…

Wreak Of Mortality…

There is a longing in my heart,

That weighs me down so,

In sluggish ways I drag behind,

Those with conquered dreams,

Fortune,

Love,

And bliss.

As I miss out on all of this,

I burn a fever of desire,

Cramp with intolerance,

Plagued with ill health,

Preventing me from blossoming into my true self.

Ailments anchor me,

Fractures imprison me,

My tune is off key,

I wreak of mortality,

As I claw my way through the storm.

A little flame burns on,

Not yet engulfed,

Nor defeated,

But the tide drifts further away each day,

The odds are not in my favour,

I may be a fighter,

But a betting man would gamble me away.

To the melancholy strings of my heart,

I sway,

As I battle on,

Weak or strong,

It seems that I am not yet done.

Poo!

Why do we suddenly become,

All Conservative when it comes to discussing issues about the bum?

The topic of “POO”,

Is an unnecessary taboo,

Despite it being something that all living things do!

Well at least we are supposed to…

Minutes turn into hours,

Hours into day’s,

Day’s into weeks,

And then suddenly over a month,

I have chronic constipation,

Faecal impaction,

No problems with number three’s,

But impossible to do number two’s,

At all

Or at least in the way,

Or as regular as I am supposed to.

Laxatives,

Enemas,

Scans,

X-rays,

Bed to bed,

Ward to ward,

I am full to the brim,

It’s no wonder these day’s that I struggle to be slim,

It’s clinging,

And just won’t pass through!

Hunger is demanding,

My body has no understanding,

That what goes in,

Must come out.

The pain is so intense,

To the nurses,

I shout for help,

The doctors rush away,

For only small amounts of time do they appear to stay,

Spouting jargon that I do not understand,

Asserting their authority,

Allocating command,

Check up,

Check out,

Within a flash,

The consultation is over,

And I cannot connect the pieces of the plan,

I desperately suffer this intense dry drought

I hope for movement soon,

As I sit alone in my my hospital room,

Awaiting the explosion,

The big boom,

From the ticking time bomb,

When all shall be revealed and restored.

This year was supposed to be hospital free for me,

And this far it has been,

Mentally,

But sods law,

This time I have been captured for physicality.

I vow to go soon enough,

I know that I must

I am not purposefully holding anything back,

To heal,

To become fully reset,

I must empty all,

With the eliminated back up,

To become restored,

With no more trapped wind,

No more liquid,

No more mush,

Motion when I push,

Just healthy solid stools,

With out prompting medication,

For the pain,

And regular relief,

The good old fashioned way

I just want to release.

Some people wish for diamonds,

Gold,

Money,

And pearls,

At this very moment,

I just want to poo!

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