We Knew, You Knew, Your Judge will too!

And so the leech has died without our blood,
Slithered and withered away as he so should,
So away mind body and spirit,
Part swift and leave us to it,
Sarah is ours again,
Let her dance with us until she leaves for heaven.

Candy Clouds

Sweet candy,
Way up in high clouds.
I was their good night out,
They were my everyday.
It is only now that I truly see,
For I was once severely blind.
Sticking out like a sore thumb,
Rubbing people up the wrong way,
So often the target,
Never quite good enough,
No matter how hard I tried,
Or what I did,
It was never good enough,
I was never good enough,
Because I was different,
I had,
I have,
Black girl magic,
I’ll never have,
White privilege.

You Can Turn Me Off…

When is it that you stopped loving me?
Did I push you to far?
When did you decide to not accept my illness?
Blame me from your distress?
I look to you for comfort,
Dream of being in your arms,
Being held,
Being hugged,
Being kissed,
Being loved.
You’re no longer in my life as much,
That tells me that you no longer care,
That I am stuck all alone out there.
If I were younger,
Would you be more involved?
Do you believe that age affects what is in my control?
Tough love is not for me.
Your silence is killing me.
Always know that I love you,
But I cannot be the strong self sufficient person that you want me to.
Seperating yourself works for you,
But let’s not pretend that you are doing all that you can do.
It is disappointing,
You are turning a blind eye,
Racing forward as a separate unit,
And have left me behind.
I don’t want you to be in pain,
For me to be a strain,
I think you have had people in your ear,
That separation has given you that uplifting shift in gear,
But if you leave me for too long,
I cannot promise that I will always be here,
This is not a threat,
But a declaration of my constant fear,
You can turn me off,
But the only way for me to,
Is to completely dissappear.

Bubbling Sorrow…

Showered in distress,
I cannot process,
How you cannot see,
The pain latched on and suffocating me.
My words vanish as they form and leave my mouth,
My eye sockets are inexplicably dry,
The intensity of my ill mental health,
Is hidden and sly.
My attempt to explain falls on death ears,
You’re eye on the clock,
Because time is money and you really don’t give a…
Shock,
You’ve twisted my large distorted accounts,
Into positive and small amounts.
Why do you challenge my truth?
Do you intentially mean to hurt me,
With every trigger you throw at me?
Why do you excuse the behaviour of others that have done me wrong,
Try and make a song and dance out of everything,
Probing me to sing along.
I will not waltz with you,
Duet with you,
Your steps are out of sync,
And your notes out of tune.
It converts to twenty minutes a week,
Don’t think me ungrateful,
Some people get no time at all to liase with professionals and speak,
But this is my story,
My journey,
And with all the third parties involved in my case,
It feels like only I will fall.
It takes a while for the penny to drop,
I struggle with process,
I cannot disclose,
What I don’t yet realise, Despite it being under my nose,
But with all your experience,
You should know where the story goes!?
Instead you lead me off subject,
Then hit me with triggers,
Lazy and evil,
You want me to figure,
But what do I do when it falls into place,
And no one is around,
To disclose face to face?
I turn to you.
My reflectionless friend,
The machine without the face,
But minds of many.
Sometimes people reach out to me,
Other times just dumping in a cryptic and cyber reality,
Loosens the shackles,
Not setting me free entirely,
But helping me,
And allowing others to see.
The real help,
Often doesn’t help at all,
On nights like this,
Leaving me picking up the pieces,
From the kick and punch,
Whole loads of triggers you poured,
That left me in a mess,
Showering helpless.
Feeling worse than before,
I shall not blame anyone in particular,
But the psychosis is ticking,
Depression is knocking,
Anxiety bubbling,
And self-harm compelling.
I fear to say this out loud,
So I shall share with my Internet crowd.
Just a bump in the road,
Knock on the head,
By this time tomorrow,
This bubbling sorrow will simmer,
Or i’ll be dead,
It’s only black and white in my BPD head.

All over the TV

This girl can bare the character of many faces, Believe me she’s going places, On the right path she’s going to the top,
She ain’t never gonna stop.
Her big dream,
Achievable,
Not a fantasy,
Reality,
This is her destiny.
All the bumps fuel the pumps of ignition,
She’s wound up and ready to go, Despite many attempts of ruining her flow,
You supported her she needed that,
But now all is lost,
To the debt of a mighty cost, Once proud now ashamed and distant practically lost.
I never meant to embarrass you, I never meant to let you down,
I never took away all the air,
I never wanted to drown.
Now so many have surpassed me,
I see them all over TV,
Whilst I stay back suffering from mental fragility,
I know the top is a place,
A place that has no room or space for a loser like me,
Mentally fit and positively different I wish it could be, I’ll be the one on the box for all to see,
I’ll be the one making you proud cashing in the money,
And because I’m not,
You’ve forgotten how to love me,
I never needed you back then when I was independent and strong,
I was on the right path on the right track and knew where I belong,
Out of everything that I’ve lost what saddens me the most is losing you,
I’m truly sorry for any pain or torture I put you through,
I wish you understood that my mental instability is not not a path that I would have chosen for me or to hurt you,
BPD is not what I ever believed I had,
Would ruin me,
Ouch this path pains me,
More than it does you,
It’s true,
And no matter what though,
I love you.

Blood Is Thick

Tis fact that you are familiar with ill fortune,
Your ears have heard the tale of many woes,
Perhaps weakening your compassion,
Pained details becoming a fashion,
That by duty you must hear and impartially adhere to,
So much so that you perceive my grumblings as petulance,
Detached you are,
This is apparent from your facetious and needless remarks,
That you have barked,
Despite my fragility.
You harbour no emotion,
It is all innocent and guilty,
When it comes to my commotion,
Because we share no blood.
Occasionally fond of me,
But only love would enable you to hear and see,
The true pitty,
Wich is my history,
Evoking such misery,
So much so that it obliterated my destiny.
Now on a new path,
I do not forget,
Still waiting for you to love me,
But I no longer threat.
I ask for nothing from you,
And am therefor not disappointed,
You are happy with our distance,
And so it is kept.
Thinking I meant more to you,
Sums me up more than what you do,
Or don’t truly think.
You compared me to them,
That’s when I knew when,
You are detached,
And I cannot change that,
We need not walk on eggshells,
Nor tango,
Waltz,
Two Step around it,
Different blood we have,
Completely different roots,
I’ve seen the apple in your eye,
Your dedication to the princess and the glass slipper,
So made of stone you are not,
I’m just the old boot,
But a boot I am,
And I must be greatful for that,
Blood is thick,
Wine is devine,
But we all need water from time to time.

Loneliness Insomnia

Sleep is my hobby and escape,
A personal skill of perfection to the nine,
From which I acquired so naturally,
From the get go,
And yet tonight,
Despite being dosed up on my sanity medication,
Being fully prepared to escape reality and ill mentality,
I hoped to dream of unicorns and cotton candy,
Blissfully bobbing along on my all inclusive Mr Sandmans lullaby vacation,
Alas love is a powerful creation,
That has stirred something within,
My need to escape has shrunk,
As everyday has been a holiday,
But now you’ve gone away,
And the bitter side affect is insomnia,
Sleep deprivation,
As tonight my lover lies with me not,
And loneliness has returned,
A feeling I had unknowingly forgot.

We…

At the bottom of my left arm, Which I usually cover up entirely,
For the sake of those around me,
To avoid judgement,
When I have been unstable and unable to fight,
Come near to the end,
My scars are proof,
That I cannot ignore,
Nor pretend,
They do exist,
And remain permanently,
They lead you through my history,
That I should not be shy for you to see,
As they are a huge part of me.
Now lies a ring that shines like all the stars have been lit up in the galaxy,
To guide me through my destiny,
After all the rejection and neglect,
I have now found the man who sees no challenge,
Whom loves me unconditionally with pride and not an ounce of regret.
Alas we must make it down the Isle yet,
But he loves me,
Come what may,
The challenges I must endure in recovery,
Shall not break me,
Break we,
Strength,
Loyalty,
Happiness,
That is a destination we shall triumph to excel and success.

Meteor…

The weather man likens to the psychic,
The rainfall likenes to the excretion of blood,
The thunderstorm is depression.
I am the teacher but also the student,
I haven’t planned the lesson, It is too late to learn,
The lack of resources prevent rehabilitation,
The meteor is now in sight,
Mission obliteration,
With a sharp cry,
The chapters and lanes of my mind dissolve,
This is the end,
And it cannot be resolved.