Flying on cloud nine,
Please take it not for granted,
To love and be loved.
Flying on cloud nine,
Please take it not for granted,
To love and be loved.
This girl can bare the character of many faces, Believe me she’s going places, On the right path she’s going to the top,
She ain’t never gonna stop.
Her big dream,
Not a fantasy,
This is her destiny.
All the bumps fuel the pumps of ignition,
She’s wound up and ready to go, Despite many attempts of ruining her flow,
You supported her she needed that,
But now all is lost,
To the debt of a mighty cost, Once proud now ashamed and distant practically lost.
I never meant to embarrass you, I never meant to let you down,
I never took away all the air,
I never wanted to drown.
Now so many have surpassed me,
I see them all over TV,
Whilst I stay back suffering from mental fragility,
I know the top is a place,
A place that has no room or space for a loser like me,
Mentally fit and positively different I wish it could be, I’ll be the one on the box for all to see,
I’ll be the one making you proud cashing in the money,
And because I’m not,
You’ve forgotten how to love me,
I never needed you back then when I was independent and strong,
I was on the right path on the right track and knew where I belong,
Out of everything that I’ve lost what saddens me the most is losing you,
I’m truly sorry for any pain or torture I put you through,
I wish you understood that my mental instability is not not a path that I would have chosen for me or to hurt you,
BPD is not what I ever believed I had,
Would ruin me,
Ouch this path pains me,
More than it does you,
And no matter what though,
I love you.
Tis fact that you are familiar with ill fortune,
Your ears have heard the tale of many woes,
Perhaps weakening your compassion,
Pained details becoming a fashion,
That by duty you must hear and impartially adhere to,
So much so that you perceive my grumblings as petulance,
Detached you are,
This is apparent from your facetious and needless remarks,
That you have barked,
Despite my fragility.
You harbour no emotion,
It is all innocent and guilty,
When it comes to my commotion,
Because we share no blood.
Occasionally fond of me,
But only love would enable you to hear and see,
The true pitty,
Wich is my history,
Evoking such misery,
So much so that it obliterated my destiny.
Now on a new path,
I do not forget,
Still waiting for you to love me,
But I no longer threat.
I ask for nothing from you,
And am therefor not disappointed,
You are happy with our distance,
And so it is kept.
Thinking I meant more to you,
Sums me up more than what you do,
Or don’t truly think.
You compared me to them,
That’s when I knew when,
You are detached,
And I cannot change that,
We need not walk on eggshells,
Two Step around it,
Different blood we have,
Completely different roots,
I’ve seen the apple in your eye,
Your dedication to the princess and the glass slipper,
So made of stone you are not,
I’m just the old boot,
But a boot I am,
And I must be greatful for that,
Blood is thick,
Wine is devine,
But we all need water from time to time.
Sleep is my hobby and escape,
A personal skill of perfection to the nine,
From which I acquired so naturally,
From the get go,
And yet tonight,
Despite being dosed up on my sanity medication,
Being fully prepared to escape reality and ill mentality,
I hoped to dream of unicorns and cotton candy,
Blissfully bobbing along on my all inclusive Mr Sandmans lullaby vacation,
Alas love is a powerful creation,
That has stirred something within,
My need to escape has shrunk,
As everyday has been a holiday,
But now you’ve gone away,
And the bitter side affect is insomnia,
As tonight my lover lies with me not,
And loneliness has returned,
A feeling I had unknowingly forgot.
At the bottom of my left arm, Which I usually cover up entirely,
For the sake of those around me,
To avoid judgement,
When I have been unstable and unable to fight,
Come near to the end,
My scars are proof,
That I cannot ignore,
They do exist,
And remain permanently,
They lead you through my history,
That I should not be shy for you to see,
As they are a huge part of me.
Now lies a ring that shines like all the stars have been lit up in the galaxy,
To guide me through my destiny,
After all the rejection and neglect,
I have now found the man who sees no challenge,
Whom loves me unconditionally with pride and not an ounce of regret.
Alas we must make it down the Isle yet,
But he loves me,
Come what may,
The challenges I must endure in recovery,
Shall not break me,
That is a destination we shall triumph to excel and success.
The weather man likens to the psychic,
The rainfall likenes to the excretion of blood,
The thunderstorm is depression.
I am the teacher but also the student,
I haven’t planned the lesson, It is too late to learn,
The lack of resources prevent rehabilitation,
The meteor is now in sight,
With a sharp cry,
The chapters and lanes of my mind dissolve,
This is the end,
And it cannot be resolved.
Somewhere beyond the grave, Beyond the clouds,
Beyond the stars,
Beyond the galaxies,
There is a place that so far I can only dream of.
A place where only the good may roam.
I cannot see it,
I cannot hear it,
But I can taste it,
I can feel it,
I believe in it.
This is the place where we are all destined to go,
Yet how we conduct ourselves in this lifetime may stop us from reaching.
Whether we all make it,
All my loved ones and I,
I do not yet know,
But some secrets are to be kept,
As we are unable to fully comprehend them as yet.
I trust in it,
And hopefully one day I will see it,
Meet all of my loved ones there,
From the past,
And spread my wings.
It will be glorious.
How many stars are in the sky,
Just burning out,
Or longing to die?
I deliberate their history,
Trickery and foolery,
Lightyears between us,
What do I really see?
Perhaps someone or something out there is looking back at me,
Or are we their history!?
Images of new and old,
From galaxy to galaxy.
If you asked me to write a list of all my perfections,
I’ll be honest with you,
That would be something I would find very hard to do.
But if you asked me to write a list of all my imperfections, I’d say how honest do you want me to be with you?
As the list will go on for days and days,
And it’s frustrating because in many ways my weaknesses gives me strength,
But they also keep me down.
I can’t tell you how many doors have been shut in my face,
Because I have been unable to keep up with the pace,
Be the winner,
Knocking everyone out of the race,
I’m used to loosing now,
Not placing at all,
But I know deep down I’ve not given up,
I still can feel it,
Nothing can destroy all of that,
And as a reminder
the blisters on my fingers show that I’m a fighter,
I’ve just had to change lanes.
We all fall,
But we don’t all get back up.
Judge me from a far,
Once destined to be a star,
You now may think of me as a looser,
That I have been dropped out,
That I have given up,
But you’re wrong to doubt me,
I’m still standing,
I’m just leaning,
Got my crutch whilst I’m healing,
It’s more of a feeling,
Like how longs a piece of string,
Or the distance from the floor to the ceiling,
Then a measurement of time that can be reeled in.
Yet still strong,
I want to prove the ignorant wrong,
But that is not where my strength comes from,
At my lowest,
When all those around me had given up,
You stood up to give me a chance,
It sounds sickly to say that I have been saved by romance,
But all I ever needed was to feel unconditionally loved for the longest time,
As long as me memory serves me,
So many have left me permanently,
Not hot and cold,
My sensitivities persieve that as bitter,
I need continuity,
Leaving me in now way too familiar territory,
I once thought my only hope was a magical remedy,
To give me credibility,
To get back on the right tracks of my journey,
To get back to being strong,
But we were all wrong,
The super glue I need to keep things together,
In order to get better,
Even on rainy days,
Misty and blue,
Was always you,
I was destined to meet you,
You let me hold onto you and you hold onto me too.
You’re my one true perfection,
So that’s one for that list,
With your help I am slowly administrating personal correction,
And under your protection,
Just like this imperfection list in question,
I know some day,
I’m going to make it through,
And all those closed doors,
I’m gonna burst right through!
It is hard to be me,
Hard to be with me gauging by history,
You’re making it look easy,
One more positivity,
You make me happy to be me,
Confident to know that I will one day gather more control of BPD,
Feel less heavy from all the pain,
Be able to manage and restrain,
And hopefully be free,
With a higher ratio of positivity,
Enabling my rehabilitation to be the best me.
As a self appointed mental health advocate, I have been fortunate enough to be approached by the BBC a few times throughout my crazy journey of ill mental health and my latest opportunity was being able to share parts of my story via the BBC Radio4 and Made In Manchester documentary, “Black Girls Don’t Cry”. Due to resounding success, it is available once more. It airs January 3rd at 8pm BBC Radio4 but is also currently available on iPlayer. Simply Google, “Black Girls Don’t Cry” or https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b9zfws and you shall be able to hear two other brave black ladies as well as myself, share our stories of ill mental health. Catch it while you can. It really gives great food for thought.