Suicide Bets…

The manic times are the best,
You feel entitled to success,
Full of ideas,
Full of energy,
Sometimes even pretty.
Then boom,
I hear a clap of thunder,
I see the lightning is very close,
It’s heading towards me,
Before I have time to even think,
I’m catapulted to the other border of the spectrum,
Suicidal depression.
I am weak,
All I do is sleep,
Exhausted from silencing the plan,
My thoughts are intrusive,
Actions inconclusive,
All alone,
Fearful of pushing people away,
Tight lipped,
I’m fighting,
But it could go either way.

Reluctantly Toxic Me

I feel like I am full of pollution.
I feel like I am a hazard.
I feel like coming into my space is criminal,
And stupid.
So I urge you,
In fact I warn you not to.
None of it I choose,
Being this tempestuous mess,
Reluctantly I carry this storm of a burden,
That can suck you in and spit you out,
Therefore I am a vile specimen,
I am not sure when and how it began,
Or when it will end.
I want to contribute,
I want to aid positive change,
I want to erase stigma,
I want to be good,
I want all of my hurt,
All of my pain,
To manifest into something utterly brilliant,
God like,
But I’m lurking in the shadows,
I’m not on the horizon,
And I’m not on the radar.
No one believes in me,
And I don’t believe in myself.
How come some people are just lucky and land on their feet?
It’s funny,
Some people say my spirit animal is feline,
But I’m pretty sure that I don’t have nine lives,
And if I do,
Each one of them has been pretty terrible,
Because if you think about it,
If every soul has nine lives,
Then it kind of works in circulation,
Where in some lives you will peak,
And others you will trough,
But my deja-vu’s do not suggest that I have ever peaked,
My scars,
My weighed down shoulders,
The shackles around my ankles,
And the handcuffs tightened around my wrist,
Suggest that I have suffered,
That I know pain,
But that’s what makes me a dreamer,
I dream about love,
I dream about soul mates,
I dream about creation,
I dream about a world where I am no longer a misfit,
Where I don’t fit into a category where if I was on fire,
No one would even piss on me.
I have a spark,
I have substance,
It just needs turning on,
The light went out a long time ago.
I keep etching on my bedpost,
Everytime I fuck up,
And everytime I get back up,
I am a little bit weaker,
And everytime I get back up,
I believe in myself that little bit less,
And just like if you don’t believe in fairies and clap for their lives,
If you don’t believe in me,
Then my genius I won’t realise,
And I won’t create and conquer,
Contribute what I am supposed to,
Because I am not a lone soldier,
I need an aid,
I need a crutch,
Prop me up,
Show that you care,
Hold my hand,
Show that you believe,
Give me unconditional love,
And I will produce so much magic to put out there.
If I carry on like this,
I imagine it won’t be long before I no longer exist,
The pain cuts deep,
And I feel so weak,
I am giving up,
Because I’ve had no luck,
Maybe my passion is just for me,
Like my psychosis,
Something that nobody else understands,
And or will never see,
I forgo my legacy,
For the next life,

Boys In Blue…

You have my undivided attention,
I want the facts,
Not to ride on speculation.
So why so much tension?
I have shown no signs of hesitation,
Only fluidity,
When it has come to communication.
So I got angry and threw my shoe aimlessly,
It never hit you,
Because I didn’t aim it at you
And your blazing condemnation.
Hold fire,
So you’re vex because I’m apparently irrational,
Mentally incapable,
For dismissing your allegations.
You came to my yard,
Sirens calling,
All lights blue,
Interupting my safe time,
In my safe place,
With all your rights and privilege,
Knealing on me with supremacy,
Taking hierarchy,
Invading my space,
Curtains twitching all over the place.
I still don’t know what’s been said,
Or by who,
Only that moments ago I was mellow and chill,
Until your disruption,
Unsent invitation
Now your insinuation that I must come with you.
On what grounds?
What was it that I did to anybody?
Did to you?
I have suffered,
But I am slowly getting through,
Without being a threat to society,
Or a menace to you.
I suggest you save this arrest for someone who has committed a crime,
Not for me because I am a black female,
With mental illness,
That struggles from time to time,
In all honesty
Until you came,
I was coping just fine.
Someone has stitched you right up
Wasted your money and time,
Prejudice and nine, nine nine.
I won’t be coming,
So with the greatest respect,
Up and out,
Turn off the arrest cherade,
And disappear please,
Where from hence you came,
The longer I am in your presence,
The more shame I will obtain,
Be gone,
I am neither Swan,
And want my spotlight turned off,
Let the blue fade away,
The scent of pork diminish,
Disinfecting every square meter you defecated on,
Leave me as i was,
Alone in my bubble of isolation.

I Matter!

There’s a gun shot,
Everyone looks at me.
There’s a scream in the crowd,
Everyone looks at me.
There’s a riot,
Everyone looks at me.
I once thought that look was a look of care,
How naive I was!
My so called friends,
My allies,
White faces,
Surround me,
Many times I am the one black face in the crowd,
I thought you stayed close out of loyalty,
Not to monitor me,
Keep your friends close,
But your enemies closer,
Yet whom declared that we are enemies at all?
No one told me.
Words unspoken,
Now are deafening,
As I realise the truth.
You never thought we were equal,
Always suspecting,
Always suspicious,
Always weary of me,
Just because of the exterior you see.
I am human just like you,
We breath the same air,
Share the same planet,
Yet you feel more entitled,
And act accordingly to enforce power,
Hold the reigns.
You only see me when you need someone to blame,
Take the rap.
If there is blame,
You blame and shame me immediately,
On no other grounds but as to what you see,
A black somebody.
If there is an altercation,
You blame me.
When there is wrong doing,
You blame me.
I was blind,
But now I see.
I strive to walk freely,
Proud of my identity,
I will stand my ground peacefully,
Stare straight back at you when you stare at me,
Keeping my dignity,
No longer oblivious to your suspicions,
Not allowing you to control me.
I still walk amongst you kindly,
But I will not allow you to ogle me everytime there is indecent activity,
Not knowing and all assuming,
As you are more likely the sinner than me.
Black Lives Matter.
This is not derogatory to any other lives,
But a reminder to those whom are ignorant,
Whom forget,
Whom haven’t figured it out yet.
Oppressed for years,
The punch bag to many,
I wondered what was wrong with me.
Microdosed insertion of power always looming over my head,
I lost my self worth.
Damaged goods from the lacerations of slavery,
Does make me angry,
Has weakened me,
But not defeated me.
You need not fear me,
Just acknowledge,
Treat me and my Kin fairly,
Because they matter,
All black lives matter,
I matter.

Justice for George Floyd

What is it you see when you look at me?
I hope you see me,
All of me,
That I bare unashamed,
You may read between the lines,
There is no excuse at being blind,
I radiate my full truth,
And my black skin glistens,
Because of all the hardship that I have overcome.
My ancestors were slaves,
Beaten daily,
Working for free,
Treated like animals,
Trapped in captivity,
Stripped of all dignity,
Sold like property,
Fighting for freedom,
Fighting to be free.
Martin Luther King had a dream,
A dream as sweet as could possibly be,
Rosa Parks stood her ground for us,
These brave people would be outraged to see,
Just how cruel this white privilege has come to be,
What is concealed,
Hiding in plain sight,
Or uniforms,
So the world can pretend to be harmonious and full of equality.
A gentle giant was killed because of the colour of his skin,
Disregarded rights,
Abuse of power,
Still restraint,
Begging for his life,
A black man,
An innocent man was killed May 2020,
In Broad daylight,
By a man employed to keep the people safe,
A white man,
In the 21st century.
For no other reason but looking like himself,
Looking like me.
We cannot just let this go,
Start to resign to the fact,
That these things just happen,
Made to feel guilty for rightful accusations of racism,
We must pay attention to the people in charge,
The white man’s reaction,
And not be silenced due to our gender,
Sexual preference,
Or colour of skin.
We are calling you out,
If this world is ready for Me Too,
Then black people,
It should be ready for you.
Humans are wonderful creatures,
But greedy and savage.
I will not apologise for preeching that black lives matter.
Please don’t call me out for stating the obvious.
If white privilege does not exist,
Why is a murderer getting first class service in jail.
A life is a life,
No matter if black or white.
Am I expected to believe that this police man did not know the full power of his tool,
That he could not hear George’s call?
Murder in plain sight.
Abuse of power.
This has happened before,
What do we need to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?
How can we get the people in charge to see reason?
Another life lost to ignorance,
Another life lost too soon.
May justice prevail.

Be Gone, I search for better days.

Some days it’s like you were never ever with me at all,
Others feel like you are glued to me,
You were not invited,
I think some people think I have the control,
When in fact you do.
You are too familiar,
You are overwhelming,
Over powering me,
Tearing me apart from the inside out.
I have no doubt in my mind that you are real,
I know admitting this makes me seem weak,
And so I suffer in silence,
I do not condole your violence,
Your over dominant persona,
Your unnecessary criticism,
And just can’t figure out how to rid of you,
Hush you,
Reject and abandon you,
Because you are the one and only reason I would have or could ever need to associate with that,
And apply that to my life.
But your troublesome ways,
Hit me first with a shock,
Now your venom seeps through never ending,
Poisening me constantly,
No cure yet found to cut permanent ties with you,
Only to sedate you.
Days like today,
I have no strength to hide you,
We are one,
You are so strong,
I am the host to you,
The imposter,
How I wish you’d be gone,
Go back to where hence you came from,
Probably a devilish hell,
Where depression leeches,
Anxiety beetles,
Paranoia spiders,
Snakes of dissociation,
Bat’s of psychosis,
Are born,
And released from.

What The R!?

No One’s Take on Yesterday’s jargon… Boris Bonanza Speech that we all blindly waited for, in hope of some light, yet no light was bared, only flashes of red dissatisfied, disappointed, disturbed faces of the British public as our Prime Minister whom we had all developed a soft spot for of late (as he lay in hospital with the Corona Virus himself) bemused us all with his random new plan. Is there any scientific evaluation and conclusion that Corona affects the brain, hosting symptoms of confusion and delusions of grandure? Only I am pretty sure that this, “Stay Alert” concept is a little rushed, hazey and nonsensical!? Forgive me if I am wrong, I currently have mild symptoms, perhaps I am also thinking backwords and spouting nonsense myself!?

Key = * What Boris Said and # My Thoughts & Interpretation…

* Almost 2 months of Isolation has saved lives and shown that we can defeat this virus. The worst case being half a million fatalities.
#Fantastic, so along with the saying “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” We should keep going right!? Stay At Home!

*Stay Alert to control the virus and save lives”.
#New slogan!? Why are we not sticking to, “Stay At Home”? We were already attempting to control the virus by staying at home and therefore saving lives. Stay Alert to what, we have all been following the news on the pandemic, we know what to look out for and whom to contact when. So do you mean continue as we are, as it seems to be working, especially when looking at the national grid!? No you don’t… You are easing into some kind of change. Why?

*We have a plan, a conditional plan.
#So you do mean that you want to direct change, even though our current plan (as of yesterday before 7pm) was working. OK!?

*5 steps…
1. Protect NHS/ 4.Enough PPE
#Essentially the same thing.
*2.Sustained fall in death rate
3. Sustained fall in infections
5.Do not force the R rate of the disease
#So stay indoors!?

*Covid Alert Level- R- Number of Corona Virus cases
#Sorry what is R!? Oh OK, rate of infection. How can any of this truly be measured when Jo Public with mild to moderate symptoms aren’t even on the radar because they are staying at home. Individuals for 7 days. Households of more than one for 14 days. Then the additional days in order to no longer be contagious. Then those who are carriers but show no symptoms at all. The only data being accumulated is from people within the arms of the NHS, care homes and celebrities. The rest of us are just suffering in silence and so your geographical graphs of red dots are actually innconclusive!

*Modified Lockdown
Before- Only go to work if you absolutely cannot work from home.
Now-Anyone who can’t work from home (like construction) must go back to work but maintain social distancing and follow new covid secure guidelines, also avoid public transport.
# In an an overpopulated world where we are always in close proximity to one another, how can we just adapt changes overnight? Most working class and city people don’t have cars. I’ve been on public transport at rush hour times before and after work, with my nose up people’s armpits, breast pressed against people’s backs with uncomfortably close genetalia. Those times are unavoidable. Those times are when most of us catch the common cold or such like, because people are literally coughing and sneezing on you in stuffy, packed carriages with 0 air flow. So for those without bikes, cars, out of walking distance, living in cities like London and Birmingham, they will undoubtedly be at high risk. That is playing with fire.

*From Wednesday 13th May 2020 people can drive to destinations and spend more time outside with household members.
#People will be driving to holiday homes unnecessarily, out and about way to long, unintentionally (because we are too poor and unimportant to be tested) or rich stupid and selfish/ young and naive spreading the virus through the air, resulting in another peak.

*Phased reopening of shops
#We don’t need to plan to far ahead… Baby steps. This territory is unknown. Boris don’t try to please everyone, just be the master of safety, your like rates aren’t important, the mortality rates are!

*June 1st primary Schools… Allowing reception, year one and year 6 to finish the school year.
#Are we 100% sure that children are immune? What if they carry but bare no symptoms… The teachers and school workers will be at risk and so will the people they come into contact with whilst travelling/shopping/at home etc.

*Quarentine on people coming into this country by air
#So this is new? What about the hundreds and thousands of people that have come to Britain in the last two months!?

*If there are outbreaks, if there are problems, we will not hesitate to put the breaks back on.
#There will be, so why take our feet off the breaks right now, at all!?

*We will come back from this Develish illness
#Yes Boris, people like you, the rich, the famous, the names, they will indeed but for the rest of us, you have just issued a death sentence and therefor I cannot place my faith in you, trust you nor forgive you. It would be kinder to just nuc us all!


I want to say thank you to the NHS,
For all of the time that you have had to invest,
Not once have you complained about political stress,
How The Tories were plotting to sell you and how they lost interest,
Knowing many politicians prior to this would have left you sacked and jobless.
Now everyone is singing the same tune,
As they clap and swoon,
Over those very same hero’s that you wanted to ban,
Cut ties and sell you off without a damn.
Well now Borris has had front row seats to the front line,
Surely he can no longer be blind,
We cannot afford to loose you,
Patriots of the Red White and Blue,
And all the outstanding work that you do.
NHS we need you,
We appreciate you,
We would be lost without you,
We are lucky to have you,
If your recent top game and sacrifice do not save you,
Then we do not deserve you,
We are indebted to you,
We thank you.

Stir Crazy

I thought that I should write this blog as food for thought for all the people out there that have thankfully not caught the virus and are obediently staying at home. We can all imagine how covid-19 must feel to some degree. We have all had dry persistent coughs, flu, temperature, wheezing chests, shortness of breath at some point, most likely not all at the same time and certainly not to a critical degree, but we have been told the symptoms and know what to look out for, drawing from personal experience. We know the precautions, washing our hands for a minimum of twenty seconds, lots of anti bacterial soap, sanatiser when out, not to cough or sneeze on others, catch it/bin it/wash it, stay at least two metres apart from all people outside of your household, do not visit friends or family, no social interaction. The rules are very straight forward, but what they have not prepared us for is the grueling amounts of family indoor time in a world where people are so very used to social interaction. From using public transport, to walking through town, being at work, school, a place of religion, the gym, local swimming baths, parks, cafes, restaurants, pubs, all taken away in what felt like overnight. People whom are isolated alone are really missing physical interaction, touch, hugs, shaking of hands, simple gestures are now band. Phonecalls and video calls don’t give the warmth and comfort of face to face.
Family’s, couples and flatmates are winding one another up. Domestic violence has jumped to fatalities, a step too far, without intervention.
Our society, as a nation, we have never been prepared for a lockdown. Only survivors of ww2 may have known something similar. We live in a free world, where we are out and about all of the time. To have what feels like, your freedom being taken away, has tested many beings and they have failed. People don’t like solitude. People’s wings have been clipped. This is because all the advice is about our physical health, not our mental. In fact alot of people with ill mental health are coping better than those sound of mind, because self isolation (be it chosen or not) creates a bubble of safety. Whilst you struggle with your mind, thoughts, delusions, anxiety, depression, psychosis behind closed doors, it remains private, solitary and contained within four walls. Going outside can be a sensory overload, and so you sacrifice being sociable, activities, celebrations, as to not draw attention to oneself. Friends and family drift away as they forget you, and aside from medical support, no one seems interested in helping you, because they have no self experience to enable empathy in order to connect with you. Well wheen this pandemic is over, please rember how lonely you felt, how trapped, forgotten, scared, paranoid and unloved and show some love to those that you know with ill mental health, those of us who have been in self isolation for years. It is a precaution, or fear, not all choice that leads people to cut themselves off from the world, mental illness is a sickness that is systematically contagious like the likes of Corona and so you have no excuse but to reach out if you know someone mentally ill and you are well!
Most people with ill mental health that I have spoken to, they are doing just fine because self isolation is not alien to them. I thought that I was winning until I came to realise how sad it is, that I have been self isolated for the best part of seven years. As someone whom used to love socialising, the realisation is very sad. All those that I socialised with are much slower, but still going, but so used to my absence that it has become, “THE Norm”.
Family invitations have ceased, I used to feel like part of the core.
We live in a selfish materialistic world, I hope when this all ends, we will all be a bit more conscious of our family and friends that are still consumed by isolation and reach out to them!
The shops and streets are quiet, I like the lack of noise, distance enabling personal space, the quiet and still rather than hustle and bustle of bustle. Where as most find it eerie.
Alone, I would have ended up sectioned for sure, but having my love is of great comfort.
I send love and well wishes to those that have/had the virus. My condolences to those lost and their friends and family. I urge the people at home going stir crazy, to remember this is only temporary, to enjoy solitude or family time, company and companionship, they are gifts that you all should be greatful to have. To not become complacent, document this journey and so we may tell the new and young of this ordeal and how to avoid it happening again. To count your lucky stars, if self isolation and ill mental health were alien to you before this, know that this is temporary and that your normal shall return but be even better, because you will be greatful.
If you are struggling mentally, please don’t suffer in silence. Your feelings are warrented. If I can stumble through seven years, you can sail through upto seventeen months!
Having space is OK, communication is key. These trying times are testing and may even break the strong, but solidarity is our goal. Together we are strong. Do not threat over tears and tantrums, releasing emotions are healthy, home alone or with every man and the dog, please stay connected, open up and talk things through.
We are all doing so well. Good can come from bad. Creases ironed out, make amends and give all your loved ones a shout. Time is precious, we cannot afford to be bitter. I have scratches but also open wounds from people whom have side stepped me and my illness, that created a wall but I will meet you half way, let’s knock it down as we all make mistakes, we all get ill, life can take us on some strange journeys to find peace but alongside me, if that is your goal, just reach!
It can take great misfortune for some to realise what is under their nose, to initiate forgiveness, to clear ignorance and enable space and room to build, love and grow.
If you ever wandered what secluded, isolated, hermit, vulnerable mental and physical people are going through, I think it fair to compare to this,only less certainty of an end, less of an urgency to mend, swept under the carpet, not headline news.
If you are going round in circles, Banging your head on the wall, please remember that this scenario has been someone’s long time, not a in the mean time. They deserve some of your love.
Keep active, stay strong, we will overcome Corona, Covid-19.


For the unempathetic,
The unsympathetic,
That once thought ill mental health was pafetic,
Welcome to my world.
I say this sincerely,
As it is quite clear to me,
That your mentality is crossing borders unknown.
The lockdown zone,
Not being able to leave the house,
Estranged from loved ones (perhaps not reciprocated),
Friends (so-called),
Family (just blood),
That you truly miss but cannot reach.
Is something you never get used to,
Yet I am so very familiar with,
And feel warranted to preach,
A feeling and sensation that I would never knowingly share,
But I know it has its claws on the masses of you out there.
The paranoia,
The fear,
The new,
The way to close to home,
Is on all of our doorsteps.
We are warranted to threat,
About lack of finances and debt,
Whether we have had the virus yet,
The high possibility of death.
Wanting to go out,
Being mentally restricted,
Is just as gruelling as when restrictions are leagully inflicted.
Feeling restrained,
When and how will it end?
The mania,
May manifest,
As we flap our wings,
Without flight,
Wrapped up,
In a blanket of maybe and might.
Nothing is certain,
Nothing is for sure,
Don’t practice self blame,
If you are feeling insecure.
Just follow suit,
And hope.
When this all passes,
And we have said our goodbyes,
To this delicate yet tremendous stamp in history,
Please remember the simulation,
Of mental dismay and fraustration,
And spare kind thoughts to the mentally vulnerable always in this situation.