Without Me

Smokes and Mirrors,
Filtered,
All on show,
Yet secrets non disclosed,
You are not supposed to know.
I need not search,
Nor ask,
Nor seek,
There are enough clues,
To sherlock the secrets you keep.
The biggest secret is now mine,
As I cannot unsee,
The pictures speak words,
You didn’t have the courtesy to tell me!
I am hurt,
The pain runs deep,
But I shall not report how you have made me weep.

Tears Stream Into Your River…

These whispers in my ears,
Ring loud,
Scream above your silence.
These palpations in my heart make me quiver.
My tears stream down into your river,
And you don’t even notice.
How can we be together forever,
Come together,
If you aren’t by my side when I need you most?
Trying to sail by,
Ride the waves to forever happiness,
But storms will come,
And we cannot ignore them.
May we not even entertain them?
We are better when together,
Rain or shine,
Let us not be swayed by bad weather.

Rouge In Lavender Fields…

The gift you never asked for,
Never knew you grew,
Flourishes unapologetically,
Shines for all of you,
And I hope someday for me, Myself too!
A pool of darkness distorts my reflection.
I’m tainted,
Struggling to see what you do.
An undeniable beauty,
Mislabelled as an obscurity!
Difference seems to always be,
Unfairly tested,
Rejected,
Unprotected.
Stop and look for yourself,
Do you embrace or recoil?
Do you gaze upon?
This rouge flower,
Tis me,
Rouge in Lavender Fields.
Delicate,
Unique,
Favourable to the eye,
Honestly extremely hard to come by,
So underrated,
So many of you just cast me aside,
Or pass me by.
Yeild me,
Without protection I am weak,
Depression looms above,
I try to keep it out of reach,
But there’s alot of it,
Unapologetic and non discreet!
I deserve something different,
More worthy,
Something for me,
I share because I care,
But just a pocket full of integrity,
May protect me from exogenous negativity bestowed upon me,
And the lingering pain that consumes me.
Better off snatching love,
Than to give up or retreat.
It is happiness I seek!
Love,
Safe Home,
Marriage,
Children,
A family,
Humble dreams,
For me,
The basics bestowed upon you so easily,
That you therefore take forgranted,
I speak of blessings,
And they are not bestowed upon everybody!
Set backs left and right,
Forward and back,
When will the universe shower me,
With all the things that you have,
Given so generously,
That you acquired so easilly?
Leaps and bounds ahead of me,
I try to not compete,
Bow down in defeat,
Be bitter,
So I wait patiently.
But why?
Is it my ethnicity?
Background of poverty?
Did I sin?
So bad it weighs unforgivable?
The clock is ticking,
Time is running,
Seasons running out.
Trying to manifest,
At my best,
Forgive all lifes unpleasant tests,
But I will never forget,
Flipping loss and blazing trauma.
Somehow still defiant,
Gaining strength,
In hope of prospect of a shot,
Sharing my beauty,
We will be a team,
An army,
A family,
Leave nature be,
If I trigger you badly,
But I truely wish you no harm.
I need tending to,
To help me along,
Glow and flourish,
Not disintegrate into rubbish,
Leaving no trace amongst the Lavender.
If you embrace,
There is enough space,
For us to place besides one another,
Strong and together.
Only fate and destiny know what opportunities may present to me,
My pain is testament to my past,
But in this present day,
Please embrace me,
Acknowledge and accept me,
Reach out,
I do need help,
To transition,
And catch up at last.
Diversity shouldn’t be a curse for me,
My mental illness should not hinder me,
Ignorance should not be an opportunity!
Embrace with me,
I’m the rouge,
Rouge in Lavender Fields,
I welcome your acknowledgement,
Nurture,
Support,
Understanding,
And admiration.
I hope to blossom,
And spread seed,
Generation,
To generation.

Destined For…

I share,
Because I care,
I’m on the Borderline,
But I’m aware!
An expert at reaching out to all of you everywhere,
Used to needing care myself but people not being there.
My vocabulary,
Elegant ability to articulate,
Does not mean I am serving you the full plate!
I’m a clever fox,
Full of empathy
But useless at reaching out for people to help me.
I’m scared because of my history,
People reprimanding me for my disability,
The blame,
The shame,
Has silenced me.
I say just enpugh to help,
To include,
To give hope,
But get none of this myself.
Silently I observe the love and care,
Time and effort,
People are prepared to give others,
But its never me.
I feel cursed,
So I try to flip it,
Turn my pain into another someones gain.
It works,
I’m a healer,
A teacher,
An advocate,
A facilitator,
But I am not as strong a warrior as I have you believe.
My acting talents help me deceive,
Like a magical scarf up a magician’s sleeve,
Scared to disclose all,
Because I don’t know if I can get up again after the next big fall.
I want a future now,
But what if that is not my purpose!?
Not what I am destined for!?

Who do you turn to?

Just had a wobble,
A relapse,
Takes me back,
Like no time has passed,
Like I had never moved on,
Turned a corner,
Learnt to manage my self in a civilised order.
I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone,
To ask for help and support,
Because I am terrified of rejection.
I often feel like a cock roach,
Vermin,
Never ending,
Drowning,
Burning,
Noose,
Pills,
Sharps,
I’m indestructible,
I just keep coming back.
So many times I have intended to take flight,
When I am all out of line,
I cannot bare not feeling right,
Yet time and time again this feeling reoccurs.
What would I gain from sharing my pain?
I will just end up loosing people again.
So in silence I pour my heart out on this page,
As I try and navigate silently away from self destruction,
I think of my angels,
The comfort of burning sage,
As I try to flush out this internal sadness,
Pain,
And rage.

Worms Meat

I’m sorry that I get lost,
And for whatever cost that conjures up for you.
Just hear me now when I say that it is never my intention to hurt you,
Just like the pain you often unconsciously & constantly impact upon me.
Drowning,
Suffocated by the waves of the sea,
Unable to speak,
Reach out,
Lungs first filled with dispair,
Now lacking oxygen and air,
No one anywhere,
To help me,
No one sees me,
No one hears me,
No rescue,
And even if…
No remedy,
So with great tragedy,
I am taken,
Before you awaken to the facts of BPD,
Recognise how your actions,
Or lack of,
Have affected me.
How you may have triggered me relentlessly,
Saying you’d be there,
But keeping your distance from me,
Making me feel a menace,
Because my times of despair don’t suit thee.
How you showered me with assumptions,
False testament that you care,
Would always be there.
No professional support,
Lacking supervision,
Troubled mind,
Troubled soul,
Constantly fighting,
In competition,
Against the dark.
Beginning to dream of the light,
The dark reigns to tight,
Engolfed me,
Strangulation,
Dumping me,
Asphyxiation,
Abandoning me eternally,
I die,
Fighting until the last breath of my life,
Which I have taken,
Keen to try the unknown,
As ripped apart,
My connection to this world no longer sewn.
Typically late,
Perhaps once gone my transparency shall be found,
And then you will hear my story,
And perhaps understand me,
Learn from me and my legacy,
Help others whom are like me,
As my archives will be available for eternity,
And I hope I won’t be bitter,
All will be forgiven,
Despite your triggers of rejection,
Abandonment,
Inability to understand when I needed you to help me,
Ultimately making worms meat of me.
I may leave this mortal coil,
But my soul shall shine eternally.

Shoot…

Like a supernatural force,
A dark and heavy energy,
I fear my next piece of writing,
May be my self written eulogy.
Tired of trying to defend myself and explain,
When your ears are closed and your response is exactly the same,
Causing me greater pain.
Numb and mute,
I try to compute,
The root,
But my finger is already on the trigger ready to shoot…

adiaryfromnoone

Hello me lovelies, just a reminder that my YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone BPD playlist releases new footage every week on a Sunday. I will do my best to provide you all with food for thought every week of 2021, but of cause suffering from BPD myself may make my goal impossible; yet thusfar (30/03/21) I have kept my pact, despite being in hospital for an entire week but it was very demanding and hard work. I must be real with both all of you and myself, there may be some blank weeks. To stay on top, on track and to never miss out… Please show your support and share videos like…

And please subscribe asap, it gives me drive, because analytics, if not likes/subs/comments proove that I am reaching people and hopefully helping/educating/relating/processing bringing love and light through truth and reflection of mine own experiences and empathy. I am not a medical professional nor mental health practitioner but I am a self appointed mental health advocate. I believe sometimes you have to know somethings through experience, not learn through textbooks but life itself. adiaryfromnoone is about helping others and encouraging togetherness because of strength in numbers, so please join me and share both this website and YouTube channel to help ke help others?
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adiaryfromnoone…
https://youtube.com/channel/UCpOtZyoRdlme1v3uX-fhYTA
BPD Playlist…

I cannot dismantle my entirety to suit you!

When the flip shall the two meet,
I know I have Mental Health Issues,
And I don’t expect anyone or regular health staff to fall at my feet,
But a bit of empathy would be a real treat.
I am not violent or eratic,
So people think I am just sensative and perfetic,
But I got news for you,
We have a variety of personalities just like you,
Cus we be humans too!
There’s no need to belittle,
Speak over,
Condescend me like you do,
I’m here for ill physical health,
But meatal illness and BPD is part of me too!
If you got a problem with that,
Don’t make it mine,
You do you,
Boo!

adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to prove…

Started off as a dream,
So possible and real it tasted,
I devoured that cream.
Manifested into a nightmare,
A brutal scare,
My thrown now a rusty chair,
My crown,
Now made of thorns,
Slicing my scalp and cutting my hair.
Prayers silenced,
Praise scorned.
All this pain and suffering,
Viscously corrupting,
Emerged so abruptly,
As I lost everything,
Relentless and unsubtley,
Never saw it coming,
Never heard a sound,
Just all of a sudden I couldn’t cope being around,
Not long term,
Short term,
Day by day,
I wanted to permanently disappear,
One way,
To go away,
And I tried so hard,
A number of times,
But the Lord never took me,
Perhaps punishing me for my crimes,
Equality is not what it seems,
Poverty,
Racial disparity,
A black child dared to dream,
Nightmares a reality,
Made me feel unclean,
Unworthy,
Undeserved,
Untalented,
I then understood the world I live in,
Why I never made the final cut,
Got the guy,
Got the part,
Never had good luck,
But I,
Got bullied,
Ridiculed,
Rejected,
As injustice has found me over and over again,
I cannot remember now,
The last time when,
I felt entitled to dream,
And able to start again!
Perhaps in another life,
A reincarnation,
Unless a higher being pardons me,
Grants access to fair accessibility,
Maybe I will reach that destiny,
Eventually,
The greatest achievements,
They never come easily,
A blackbelt in combat,
Battling all things bad,
All things sad,
Maybe one day I’ll make Mumma glad that she had me,
Make her proud,
Maybe the end of my story wont be so bad,
I’ll amount to something,
Use my pain and suffering,
To help others when they get angry and mad,
When their tears keep pouring and they can’t shake the sad,
When they make poor choices and do something bad,
adiaryfromnoone won’t judge,
adiaryfromnoone does not exclude,
adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to proove.
You are good enough,
There is no spell,
Nor magic pill,
But with patience and skill,
You can do better,
I believe you will.
I am no Messiah,
Miracle maker,
I have my limits too,
But self belief,
And the blessing of another,
Is a secret super power,
To clear the self hate and clutter,
Making room to get better,
Together.