A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Author: noone (page 1 of 47)

Navigate through the darkness of BPD

I promise not to be angry with you if you decide to walk away and stray elsewhere,
I most probably will be upset,
But as a veteran reject,
Every dumping gets a little easier to accept.
I do not mean to be high maintenance,
I do not mean to be a bother,
I want to explore happiness with you,
But here’s a warning,
I often get exceptionally blue.
I know depression can be mind boggling,
Psychosis scary,
Severe anxiety incomprehensible,
Self harm revolting,
Suicide attempts mortifying,
Dissociation offensive,
Self isolation frustrating,
Especially if those are things you have never personally had to get through,
But know this…
I did not volunteer to suffer from the woes that I constantly endure,
But on the border I am locked up in chains,
BPD does not define me,
But is a huge Part of me.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex illness that should not be ignored or overlooked!
In brief moments of clarity, When thinking rationally,
I can understand why you may be weary of me,
All the blood,
All the tears,
All the lows,
All the Downs,
All of the seeds of self doubt, All of the the panic,
Makes being in my life a heavy duty,
And for me living life,
Utter turmoil consistently.
Like a yoyo,
I am up and down all day,
But this is not a game,
Should it be,
I would never play.
For you,
I don’t want to be an obligation,
The hated person in your life, As much as it pains me,
If my condition is too much for you to comprehend,
I would rather you hurt and offend me,
Dessert me,
Take flight,
Then pretend to be there for me.
Communication would make it easier to process,
But the pain as sharp none the less,
Yet your confession less of a catalyst for stress.
For those of you that are consistent,
Devoted,
I truly adore and thank you,
For those that have turned their backs,
I wish perhaps you had a little more patience,
And took the time to try to understand that my illness and it’s symptoms are not something I can control,
Not anymore more than I already am,
I cannot turn on or off on command,
You cannot force or demand, That I reach upto your expectations,
So neither should you pick and chose when you want me in your life,
I just want you to hold my hand,
Be it literal,
Or virtual due to distance, Don’t turn a blind eye,
Dismiss my ill mental health, All the work I am doing to hold things down,
And be my best self.
Please don’t just chime in on social media if I’ve had a public breakdown,
Or turn up if I’m in hospital, Or buried dead and gone,
That would ultimately be too little too late.
It is important that there are no delusions,
That I know exactly who is there for me,
And therefor where I belong.
Feeling loved makes me strong,
Gives me the super drive to hold on,
Reminds me of my entitlement to stay here and live on.
To feel love,
Be loved,
And be strong.
The ignorant,
Shallow,
Disloyal,
Unfeeling,
Can do one,
As I strive to destination happy place,
Manage to navigate through the dark,
I hope to feel like I belong,
To be brave,
That’s all that I crave.

Unbelievable, Inconvenience, Mystical…

What an unbelievable,
Inconceivable,
Mystical world we live in.
What we know from the past,
Guides us through to the present,
And enables us to predict the future.
There are fountains of knowledge to draw from,
Information is what we need,
In order to move forward and proceed.
As we learn from our past mistakes,
People continue to burden us with more,
Stopping us in our tracks,
Having to handle that,
Before moving on.
Terrorist attacks,
Dictatorship,
Fake news,
Only being spoon fed part of current affairs,
Spin the bottle politics,
Law defying aristocracy,
Substance less influencers,
Over night celebrities,
I think it is fair to say,
We have lost our way.
Our planets always on the move,
But we are bumping heads and going nowhere.
We don’t have to go full communist,
But footballers are earning more in one week than the average family earn in a year,
Same goes for actors,
A listers,
Yet these celebrities appeal to us,
To dig deep into our slight and empty,
Unlike there never ending, Deep pockets,
Telling us to make a change to those without.
In this materialistic,
Shallow era,
People are ploughing forward,
Taking no time to reflect and stop.
As a nation we are murderers,
And the victims are ultimately ourselves.
All the plastic,
The toxic waste from cars,
And planes,
Our environment is imprisoned in chains.
Whatever you believe in,
Science,
Religion,
Conspiracy,
This planet is a gift ultimately,
And our lives are far from what they could be,
As most of us will never complete our destiny,
Because of ego’s,
Lack of gratitude,
Attitude,
Blind eyes to the past and facts,
Greed,
Recklesnes,
Being care free,
Ungrateful,
And blind to what we should see,
And could be,
Catapulting forward into a flame of obliteration,
Rather than taking time to learn and reflect,
Then perhaps healing some wounds,
And changing direction.
It’s just go, go, go,
Until no, no, no,
And so those able and aware of that,
Are living their best life,
With intent of a good life,
Not a long life,
Yet still having children.
If not for ourselves,
Then for them,
We need to stop,
Take a breath,
Recollect,
Reconnect,
Take care of each other,
And our planet.
We must take care of this gift we have been given,
Life,
Knowledge,
An unbelievable,
Inconceivable,
Mystical planet and world we live in.

Christmas at Sea…

What a wonderful thing that it would be be,
To have a jolly old family Christmas at Sea.
It’s finally December you see, A glorious time for festivity.
Bobbing along,
Singing Christmas song,
Whilst the bells from land ring a ding dong.
We hope many presents Santa shall bring,
Despite there being no chimney or ceiling.
Stuffing their faces with mince pies,
The children unusually quiet,
Trying to repent for the last year’s white lies,
Im order to not miss out on gifts and surprise.
Adults drink cider and mulled wine,
Lossening their belts,
Preparing to heavily dine devine.
Music now blasts from the radio,
Playing all the classic songs.
Feet tap under the table to the familiar beat,
As candid vibrations jiggle from seat to seat.
Turkey and all the trimmings,
A toast to new beginnings.
This Christmas spent at Sea,
Was perfect for that family,
And everything they wanted it to be.

Rainbow

All stories come from stories,
Fables and tales of old,
Get twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart,
And made a new.
The art is to refurbish and tell like never before,
Leaving hints of familiarity,
Subtle enough for you to question the clarity,
Yet get you hooked,
And entertain you once more.
Words pour out of my mouth like water,
Vivid,
Fast and pure,
Never preplanned,
Or to mine ears been heard before,
I must have been a muted poets daughter,
Kept back by prejudice,
In a life before,
Now reincarnated I am still kept back with not much more to gain,
So much time has passed,
Yet judgement and exclusion remains the same,
My gender now not to blame,
But this time my brain,
Some lable me as insane,
Making publishing my work a gamble,
Excusing the discrimination with health and safety,
Keeps me at the back of the line,
Instead of the front where I deserve to be.
I want to open my mind,
Open and let you all in creatively,
I’ll keep you entertained with many a story,
Some real,
Some fantasy,
Some as dark as reality can be.
Yet people don’t want to take a gamble on me,
Be it the colour of my skin,
My battle scars out and showing,
My mental health diagnosis,
My fragility,
Potential crisis.
If I was a celebrity,
Publishing offers would fly to me,
Which is something I cannot fathom!?
I am no one imparticular,
Which makes me all the more spectacular,
Because I represent you all,
Anyone and everyone,
The masses.
I could be you,
Or the girl next door,
You’re daughter,
Best friend,
Or cousin.
Instead of allowing me to rise and connect with you,
You step over me,
You do not see me,
You will not listen to me,
Despite with all of my experience,
For the curious,
Those in the dark that need a guiding light,
Someone other to hold their hand,
To understand,
I am the connect to help you through.
The one without private health care like you,
The one who has to wait like you,
The one they medicate like you.
There is no personal Doctor on call,
Nowhere to just check in,
Thats the world of your celebrity.
I will not discriminate fleeting moments of ill mental health that others have indulged,
So why discriminate me.
My illness is longstanding,
I’ve been institutionalised,
Penalised,
Accosted,
Persecuted,
Snubbed,
Ignored,
Ganged up on,
Disrespected.
I have been to Hell,
I could tell you about that,
Demons and Psychosis,
Hallucinations,
Manifestations,
Paradise,
Euphoria.
I’ve been down to the darkest place.
I’ve been up to the highest and brightest.
I’ve spoken to the people that movie characters are made from.
My eyes and ears have explored every crack and crevice of the mind and beyond.
I could tell you a tale or two,
Some you may have heard before,
Some familiar,
Some brand new,
But I refuse to speak to buttoned up ears,
Lost in translation,
Focused on fame and vaneers.
I worry I may loose,
Or confuse what has been
As my memory looses stability,
Due to medication,
And emotional sensitivity,
And so I share snippets on here,
Both to remind and for those that support me.
One day I shall tell my full story,
Awake my imagination from slumber,
Mix everything together,
And share a rainbow of novels to suit everybody,
When the world wakes up and sees my potential as an endearing literature somebody,
Fueling books,
Theatre,
Television,
And film.
My stories,
Honest and brave,
Timeless.

Fat Disguise

I didn’t recognise you,
You brushed away your tears,
And flashed a slight smile,
If you hadn’t done that,
Initiated some form of contact,
I would have walked straight past.
Still looking youthful,
Yet an ora of tiredness,
Your face much rounder than before.
Large breasts,
Extra large tummy,
Extra extra large thighs,
From head to toe you look bigger and bigger.
Your once slight figure,
Now doubled in size,
Quadrupled in size,
Who’s been eating all the pies?
All that fat is like a disguise,
I knew you once so very well,
Forgive me for saying so,
But now you look as unhealthy as hell.
Staring back hard,
I wanted you to walk away,
You’re dramatic change in appearance,
Had me lost for words,
I didn’t know what to say,
Perhaps just a smile in return?
On the same page,
You did the same,
At exactly the same time,
Then I realised you weren’t an old friend of mine,
There was no other way to define,
You were a reflection of mine!

#bupamindawards

Proud and honoured to say that we won baby!!!!!! My now dear friend @marverinecole won journalist of the year for #blackgirlsdontcry and so I am as proud as punch to have been involved in this original, very much needed to be spoken about documentary which explores #blackwomen #mentalhealth #mentalillness please have a listen and share. All media content of the night shall be posted on my Instagram in due cause. In the meantime please check out what I do best, which is raise #mentalhealthawareness via www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk for the readers, “No One’s Lounge” via my #YouTuberChannel noone adiaryfromnoone for those that prefer to sit and watch.
I have suffered from #depression for more than half of my life, I was diagnosed at just 16 years old. I had a breakdown 2013 and got diagnosed with #BPD #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #EUPD and after bad times of self harming, suicide attempts, constant hospitalisation, I have managed to stay out of hospital for almost two years now, I am on a slow road to recovery and want to keep sharing my story to help others…
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b9zfws
I am so impressed with @mindcharity for recognising, identifying, challenging, accepting the vast spectrum of mental illness and for championing and acknowledging those that are brave enough to share their stories. Apparently they have been for over 20 years. That is impressive. Together we are strong and as for next year, I hope to be a shortlister and to be invited to come along to cry, laugh, applaud, relate, be inspired, appreciate once more, next year 2020.

Panic Attack…

Heads pounding,
Chest on fire,
Can’t catch my breath,
A pin drop sounds like a satanic choir.
Anxiety has me pinned down,
Vision blurred,
Overwhelmed by sound,
I cannot remove the burden of this thorned and bitter crown.
Where is all the air,
My word bank suddenly empty,
Tears fall,
This isn’t fair.
I cannot articulate what’s happening to me,
Despite all to well knowing what it is,
I must ride it out and get through like each time before,
Another panic attack fueled by anxiety.
Each time it feels like death has found me,
Until all of a sudden I am free!
How long until the next one will be?
The unsurity,
Enhances insecurity,
Not knowing simply gives me more anxiety,
Paranoia kicks in,
I loose all rationality.
I fight this constant battle,
It never gets easier for me,
But I shall not blame myself, Nor beat myself up,
Each time I get through,
Is a victory!

Ugly Mess…

Am I weak?
Do you disapprove of the approval that I seek?
Are you aware of your neglect,
And the emotional debt that you are racking up with me.
Can you not hear nor see?
The division between us is making me feel empty,
Worthless,
You have cut the string prematurely,
I do not feel free.
I do not want your sympathy,
But I would relish in your empathy.
How can you be so blind,
And not admit that you have left me behind.
It is your duty to fix and solidify the devide between us,
To eliminate any confusion or fuss,
By keeping us wholesome.
Once a pair,
Then an equal square,
Now a triangle,
Or a pentagon,
Where has my place gone?
Should I try one more time to let you know,
Or just keep the memories alive of the good times,
Be happy for you,
And let you go?
I have tried to articulate my feelings,
To orchestrate some emotional healing,
I am the outsider without the key,
No longer immediate family.
Each chapter of our story,
I appear less and less,
As you clear out the cobwebs of ugliness,
And release me,
The ugly mess.

Virus! Leave and Go…

It’s a strange and complex feeling to fathom,
When your vital organs shut down,
And you have to fight with all of your might,
To do the often considered simple things,
Such as breathing.
Times of trouble haunt me,
Now deep rooted PTSD,
Has cost me,
Days ago all things considered,
I should have asked for help,
Dialed 999,
As my life was on the line,
But I recoiled,
Breathless and withered,
The Sandwell ordeal at the forefront of my mind,
Just the idea of once again being mistreated from people so unkind,
Made my judgement blind.
Jab,
Jab,
Like a punch bag,
Sharp pain on the left.
Short and sharp,
Unable to catch a full breath,
There’s a fire lit in my chest.
Weazing,
Nothing easing from medicine or rest,
My temperature in a blaze,
In a haze,
I am dazed and confused.
Thank you my love,
For taking care of me,
Holding me,
Giving me hope and the want to fight,
Holding my hand all through the night,
And providing some light.
I must now admit that he was right,
I needed hospital assistance,
But my fear and stubbornness beat his persistence,
He gave in to my resistance.
My will strong,
But mind now weak,
As I have stayed ill lay down,
Beyond the planned week.
Medicating my asthma and this wretched illness,
I have neglected my mental illness,
Ran out of medication,
Over consumed by this complication,
My breath is short,
My mind incomplete,
Emotions high,
Tear ducts overworked and nearly ran dry,
Mother I cry,
But she is nowhere nearby.
All this ill health is making me question myself,
I beg for this ordeal to end,
I have no strength to pretend that all is OK,
In fact it all gets worse day by day.
I am holding on,
In hope that soon,
This shall all one way or another,
Be over and done,
Where hence this virus came from I do not know,
But I cannot wait for it to leave and go.

Silence Please!

Today,
Silence is my pacifier.
The world is terribly loud,
All encompassing and overloading,
Over stimulating and overbearing,
I hereby declare that I press mute!
Not even the crisp air shall interfere,
I shall block it all out,
The hustle and bustle of buzzing busy bodied bee’s,
The psychosis of He and She,
No sound shall wrap its claws around me.
Today I will be sound free and basque in silent glory.

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