Never Look Back…

I’m Loud,
But I’m quiet.
I’m strong,
But I’m weak.
Some see me as whole,
But some see me as incomplete.
I am a Gemini,
A sign often paired with deceit,
I prefer to embrace the ability to hop scotch from foot to both feet.
I’m neither rough nor neat.
I’m neither small nor big.
I simply am!
I find it hard to lie and scam.
As I pray to those around and above,
I usually ask for abundance of love,
And loyalty,
Yet contradictory I have received alot of emotional cruelty.
I struggle to forget,
When made to feel upset,
Therefore I cannot let go,
Nor truely forgive.
In receipt of wrong doings,
It is I that feel guilty,
You skip along,
Move on,
And it is I left in purgatory.
In order to move fluidly with the ocean tide,
I must let go,
As if you are dead to me,
But I cannot erase you from my memory,
You played a huge part in my autobiography,
So I’ll place you in the category of history.
The annoyance of feeling guilty is just part of my anatomy,
But I can sleep because it is you who did wrong to me.
I must leave my cards on the table,
And never look back.

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Not An Opportunity To Brand…

There’s a reason why I don’t watch the news,
There’s no room left on my body to bruise,
Pain and tragedy are my poetic muse,
And my heads already full,
I long for a break,
Someone to cut the fuse,
But I’m weighed down with heartache,
Longing for a retake,
Because for so long now society has played the same tape,
Never learning or owning upto their mistakes.
It has taken me a lifetime to waft away the haze,
Strip the glaze,
And truely see,
How society sees my reflection,
And why I have never reached perfection.
The odds have never been in my favour,
I was blind,
I was deaf,
I was dumb,
As to where all the hate,
Rejection,
And poor self reflection spawned from,
But now I see very clearly.
I don’t need your validation,
To feel like a valid creation.
Yet I am not deluded,
No longer musguided by secure ignorance,
My messages,
My stories,
Need hearing ears to fall upon,
No more suffering in silence,
That won’t stop the hate,
Stop the prejudice,
Stop the racism,
Scrutiny,
Murder,
Exile,
Violence,
Suicide,
Inherited opression,
Depression,
Injustice.
I don’t want to play hide and seek,
I am not a prisoner for you to keep,
Nor treasure for you to reap.
I am a human of colour,
I just wish to be seen,
Not judged,
Heard,
Not silenced,
Chances a new,
Not second hand,
To be seen as an individual,
Not an opportunity to brand.

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Black, Female and Mentally Ill…And Fighting Still!

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity.
I stare at my reflection,
Seeking perfection,
Honestly having no idea about what that truely is.
I’m on the borderline of stability and instability,
Every ounce of me fragmented,
And scattered further than the eye can see,
Between Black and White,
Spread way out to beyond infinity.
My mind is heavy,
The weight affecting my physicality,
Heavy shoulders crush my body and psyche,
Mascarade my identity.
Tight lipped,
Yet open,
I share,
But do not declare all,
As that would make me vulnerable beyond repair,
And I need to try and be present,
As I continuously try to process,
What others don’t see,
Know,
Nor understand,
Combating the high demand,
Constant flickers of my mind,
A glitch,
Each switch,
Pain like bolts of lightening,
The tornado,
The storm,
No choice but to surpress,
I cannot confess,
If I wish to rub shoulders,
Walk beside you,
Clean up the mess of injustice and segregation.
I play the game,
To appear the same,
To not appear to roam to far off track,
Because once your off the grid,
You can never come back.
I must not be too loud,
I must not appear angry,
My foots in the door,
But there’s a long journey ahead of me,
Especially with the ill mental health struggles that I adhere to daily,
That debilitate me.
I’m black,
I’m a woman,
With BPD,
Whose going to give a platform to me?
Nobody!
I must fight my own fight,
There is no option of flight,
People need to hear me,
See me,
For help,
Understanding,
And rationality,
21st century,
And yet still I am denied because of my nationally,
Hindered by my gender,
Muted for my disability.
Stigma boxes me,
Taboo blocks me,
But nothing will silence me,
People will find me,
As I won’t campaign quietly,
You can extinguish my fire,
But I will start another,
And another,
Until we are accepted by society,
And welcomed to equality.

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Without Me

Smokes and Mirrors,
Filtered,
All on show,
Yet secrets non disclosed,
You are not supposed to know.
I need not search,
Nor ask,
Nor seek,
There are enough clues,
To sherlock the secrets you keep.
The biggest secret is now mine,
As I cannot unsee,
The pictures speak words,
You didn’t have the courtesy to tell me!
I am hurt,
The pain runs deep,
But I shall not report how you have made me weep.

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Tears Stream Into Your River…

These whispers in my ears,
Ring loud,
Scream above your silence.
These palpations in my heart make me quiver.
My tears stream down into your river,
And you don’t even notice.
How can we be together forever,
Come together,
If you aren’t by my side when I need you most?
Trying to sail by,
Ride the waves to forever happiness,
But storms will come,
And we cannot ignore them.
May we not even entertain them?
We are better when together,
Rain or shine,
Let us not be swayed by bad weather.

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Rouge In Lavender Fields…

The gift you never asked for,
Never knew you grew,
Flourishes unapologetically,
Shines for all of you,
And I hope someday for me, Myself too!
A pool of darkness distorts my reflection.
I’m tainted,
Struggling to see what you do.
An undeniable beauty,
Mislabelled as an obscurity!
Difference seems to always be,
Unfairly tested,
Rejected,
Unprotected.
Stop and look for yourself,
Do you embrace or recoil?
Do you gaze upon?
This rouge flower,
Tis me,
Rouge in Lavender Fields.
Delicate,
Unique,
Favourable to the eye,
Honestly extremely hard to come by,
So underrated,
So many of you just cast me aside,
Or pass me by.
Yeild me,
Without protection I am weak,
Depression looms above,
I try to keep it out of reach,
But there’s alot of it,
Unapologetic and non discreet!
I deserve something different,
More worthy,
Something for me,
I share because I care,
But just a pocket full of integrity,
May protect me from exogenous negativity bestowed upon me,
And the lingering pain that consumes me.
Better off snatching love,
Than to give up or retreat.
It is happiness I seek!
Love,
Safe Home,
Marriage,
Children,
A family,
Humble dreams,
For me,
The basics bestowed upon you so easily,
That you therefore take forgranted,
I speak of blessings,
And they are not bestowed upon everybody!
Set backs left and right,
Forward and back,
When will the universe shower me,
With all the things that you have,
Given so generously,
That you acquired so easilly?
Leaps and bounds ahead of me,
I try to not compete,
Bow down in defeat,
Be bitter,
So I wait patiently.
But why?
Is it my ethnicity?
Background of poverty?
Did I sin?
So bad it weighs unforgivable?
The clock is ticking,
Time is running,
Seasons running out.
Trying to manifest,
At my best,
Forgive all lifes unpleasant tests,
But I will never forget,
Flipping loss and blazing trauma.
Somehow still defiant,
Gaining strength,
In hope of prospect of a shot,
Sharing my beauty,
We will be a team,
An army,
A family,
Leave nature be,
If I trigger you badly,
But I truely wish you no harm.
I need tending to,
To help me along,
Glow and flourish,
Not disintegrate into rubbish,
Leaving no trace amongst the Lavender.
If you embrace,
There is enough space,
For us to place besides one another,
Strong and together.
Only fate and destiny know what opportunities may present to me,
My pain is testament to my past,
But in this present day,
Please embrace me,
Acknowledge and accept me,
Reach out,
I do need help,
To transition,
And catch up at last.
Diversity shouldn’t be a curse for me,
My mental illness should not hinder me,
Ignorance should not be an opportunity!
Embrace with me,
I’m the rouge,
Rouge in Lavender Fields,
I welcome your acknowledgement,
Nurture,
Support,
Understanding,
And admiration.
I hope to blossom,
And spread seed,
Generation,
To generation.

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Destined For…

I share,
Because I care,
I’m on the Borderline,
But I’m aware!
An expert at reaching out to all of you everywhere,
Used to needing care myself but people not being there.
My vocabulary,
Elegant ability to articulate,
Does not mean I am serving you the full plate!
I’m a clever fox,
Full of empathy
But useless at reaching out for people to help me.
I’m scared because of my history,
People reprimanding me for my disability,
The blame,
The shame,
Has silenced me.
I say just enpugh to help,
To include,
To give hope,
But get none of this myself.
Silently I observe the love and care,
Time and effort,
People are prepared to give others,
But its never me.
I feel cursed,
So I try to flip it,
Turn my pain into another someones gain.
It works,
I’m a healer,
A teacher,
An advocate,
A facilitator,
But I am not as strong a warrior as I have you believe.
My acting talents help me deceive,
Like a magical scarf up a magician’s sleeve,
Scared to disclose all,
Because I don’t know if I can get up again after the next big fall.
I want a future now,
But what if that is not my purpose!?
Not what I am destined for!?

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Who do you turn to?

Just had a wobble,
A relapse,
Takes me back,
Like no time has passed,
Like I had never moved on,
Turned a corner,
Learnt to manage my self in a civilised order.
I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone,
To ask for help and support,
Because I am terrified of rejection.
I often feel like a cock roach,
Vermin,
Never ending,
Drowning,
Burning,
Noose,
Pills,
Sharps,
I’m indestructible,
I just keep coming back.
So many times I have intended to take flight,
When I am all out of line,
I cannot bare not feeling right,
Yet time and time again this feeling reoccurs.
What would I gain from sharing my pain?
I will just end up loosing people again.
So in silence I pour my heart out on this page,
As I try and navigate silently away from self destruction,
I think of my angels,
The comfort of burning sage,
As I try to flush out this internal sadness,
Pain,
And rage.

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Worms Meat

I’m sorry that I get lost,
And for whatever cost that conjures up for you.
Just hear me now when I say that it is never my intention to hurt you,
Just like the pain you often unconsciously & constantly impact upon me.
Drowning,
Suffocated by the waves of the sea,
Unable to speak,
Reach out,
Lungs first filled with dispair,
Now lacking oxygen and air,
No one anywhere,
To help me,
No one sees me,
No one hears me,
No rescue,
And even if…
No remedy,
So with great tragedy,
I am taken,
Before you awaken to the facts of BPD,
Recognise how your actions,
Or lack of,
Have affected me.
How you may have triggered me relentlessly,
Saying you’d be there,
But keeping your distance from me,
Making me feel a menace,
Because my times of despair don’t suit thee.
How you showered me with assumptions,
False testament that you care,
Would always be there.
No professional support,
Lacking supervision,
Troubled mind,
Troubled soul,
Constantly fighting,
In competition,
Against the dark.
Beginning to dream of the light,
The dark reigns to tight,
Engolfed me,
Strangulation,
Dumping me,
Asphyxiation,
Abandoning me eternally,
I die,
Fighting until the last breath of my life,
Which I have taken,
Keen to try the unknown,
As ripped apart,
My connection to this world no longer sewn.
Typically late,
Perhaps once gone my transparency shall be found,
And then you will hear my story,
And perhaps understand me,
Learn from me and my legacy,
Help others whom are like me,
As my archives will be available for eternity,
And I hope I won’t be bitter,
All will be forgiven,
Despite your triggers of rejection,
Abandonment,
Inability to understand when I needed you to help me,
Ultimately making worms meat of me.
I may leave this mortal coil,
But my soul shall shine eternally.

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Shoot…

Like a supernatural force,
A dark and heavy energy,
I fear my next piece of writing,
May be my self written eulogy.
Tired of trying to defend myself and explain,
When your ears are closed and your response is exactly the same,
Causing me greater pain.
Numb and mute,
I try to compute,
The root,
But my finger is already on the trigger ready to shoot…

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