Be Gone, I search for better days.

Some days it’s like you were never ever with me at all,
Others feel like you are glued to me,
You were not invited,
I think some people think I have the control,
When in fact you do.
You are too familiar,
You are overwhelming,
Over powering me,
Tearing me apart from the inside out.
I have no doubt in my mind that you are real,
I know admitting this makes me seem weak,
And so I suffer in silence,
I do not condole your violence,
Your over dominant persona,
Your unnecessary criticism,
And just can’t figure out how to rid of you,
Hush you,
Reject and abandon you,
Because you are the one and only reason I would have or could ever need to associate with that,
And apply that to my life.
But your troublesome ways,
Hit me first with a shock,
Now your venom seeps through never ending,
Poisening me constantly,
No cure yet found to cut permanent ties with you,
Only to sedate you.
Days like today,
I have no strength to hide you,
We are one,
You are so strong,
I am the host to you,
The imposter,
How I wish you’d be gone,
Go back to where hence you came from,
Probably a devilish hell,
Where depression leeches,
Anxiety beetles,
Paranoia spiders,
Snakes of dissociation,
Bat’s of psychosis,
Are born,
Raised,
And released from.

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What The R!?

No One’s Take on Yesterday’s jargon… Boris Bonanza Speech that we all blindly waited for, in hope of some light, yet no light was bared, only flashes of red dissatisfied, disappointed, disturbed faces of the British public as our Prime Minister whom we had all developed a soft spot for of late (as he lay in hospital with the Corona Virus himself) bemused us all with his random new plan. Is there any scientific evaluation and conclusion that Corona affects the brain, hosting symptoms of confusion and delusions of grandure? Only I am pretty sure that this, “Stay Alert” concept is a little rushed, hazey and nonsensical!? Forgive me if I am wrong, I currently have mild symptoms, perhaps I am also thinking backwords and spouting nonsense myself!?

Key = * What Boris Said and # My Thoughts & Interpretation…

* Almost 2 months of Isolation has saved lives and shown that we can defeat this virus. The worst case being half a million fatalities.
#Fantastic, so along with the saying “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” We should keep going right!? Stay At Home!

*Stay Alert to control the virus and save lives”.
#New slogan!? Why are we not sticking to, “Stay At Home”? We were already attempting to control the virus by staying at home and therefore saving lives. Stay Alert to what, we have all been following the news on the pandemic, we know what to look out for and whom to contact when. So do you mean continue as we are, as it seems to be working, especially when looking at the national grid!? No you don’t… You are easing into some kind of change. Why?

*We have a plan, a conditional plan.
#So you do mean that you want to direct change, even though our current plan (as of yesterday before 7pm) was working. OK!?

*5 steps…
1. Protect NHS/ 4.Enough PPE
#Essentially the same thing.
*2.Sustained fall in death rate
3. Sustained fall in infections
5.Do not force the R rate of the disease
#So stay indoors!?

*Covid Alert Level- R- Number of Corona Virus cases
#Sorry what is R!? Oh OK, rate of infection. How can any of this truly be measured when Jo Public with mild to moderate symptoms aren’t even on the radar because they are staying at home. Individuals for 7 days. Households of more than one for 14 days. Then the additional days in order to no longer be contagious. Then those who are carriers but show no symptoms at all. The only data being accumulated is from people within the arms of the NHS, care homes and celebrities. The rest of us are just suffering in silence and so your geographical graphs of red dots are actually innconclusive!

*Modified Lockdown
Before- Only go to work if you absolutely cannot work from home.
Now-Anyone who can’t work from home (like construction) must go back to work but maintain social distancing and follow new covid secure guidelines, also avoid public transport.
# In an an overpopulated world where we are always in close proximity to one another, how can we just adapt changes overnight? Most working class and city people don’t have cars. I’ve been on public transport at rush hour times before and after work, with my nose up people’s armpits, breast pressed against people’s backs with uncomfortably close genetalia. Those times are unavoidable. Those times are when most of us catch the common cold or such like, because people are literally coughing and sneezing on you in stuffy, packed carriages with 0 air flow. So for those without bikes, cars, out of walking distance, living in cities like London and Birmingham, they will undoubtedly be at high risk. That is playing with fire.

*From Wednesday 13th May 2020 people can drive to destinations and spend more time outside with household members.
#People will be driving to holiday homes unnecessarily, out and about way to long, unintentionally (because we are too poor and unimportant to be tested) or rich stupid and selfish/ young and naive spreading the virus through the air, resulting in another peak.

*Phased reopening of shops
#We don’t need to plan to far ahead… Baby steps. This territory is unknown. Boris don’t try to please everyone, just be the master of safety, your like rates aren’t important, the mortality rates are!

*June 1st primary Schools… Allowing reception, year one and year 6 to finish the school year.
#Are we 100% sure that children are immune? What if they carry but bare no symptoms… The teachers and school workers will be at risk and so will the people they come into contact with whilst travelling/shopping/at home etc.

*Quarentine on people coming into this country by air
#So this is new? What about the hundreds and thousands of people that have come to Britain in the last two months!?

*If there are outbreaks, if there are problems, we will not hesitate to put the breaks back on.
#There will be, so why take our feet off the breaks right now, at all!?

*We will come back from this Develish illness
#Yes Boris, people like you, the rich, the famous, the names, they will indeed but for the rest of us, you have just issued a death sentence and therefor I cannot place my faith in you, trust you nor forgive you. It would be kinder to just nuc us all!

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NHS

I want to say thank you to the NHS,
For all of the time that you have had to invest,
Not once have you complained about political stress,
How The Tories were plotting to sell you and how they lost interest,
Knowing many politicians prior to this would have left you sacked and jobless.
Now everyone is singing the same tune,
As they clap and swoon,
Over those very same hero’s that you wanted to ban,
Cut ties and sell you off without a damn.
Well now Borris has had front row seats to the front line,
Surely he can no longer be blind,
We cannot afford to loose you,
Patriots of the Red White and Blue,
And all the outstanding work that you do.
NHS we need you,
We appreciate you,
We would be lost without you,
We are lucky to have you,
If your recent top game and sacrifice do not save you,
Then we do not deserve you,
We are indebted to you,
We thank you.

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Stir Crazy

I thought that I should write this blog as food for thought for all the people out there that have thankfully not caught the virus and are obediently staying at home. We can all imagine how covid-19 must feel to some degree. We have all had dry persistent coughs, flu, temperature, wheezing chests, shortness of breath at some point, most likely not all at the same time and certainly not to a critical degree, but we have been told the symptoms and know what to look out for, drawing from personal experience. We know the precautions, washing our hands for a minimum of twenty seconds, lots of anti bacterial soap, sanatiser when out, not to cough or sneeze on others, catch it/bin it/wash it, stay at least two metres apart from all people outside of your household, do not visit friends or family, no social interaction. The rules are very straight forward, but what they have not prepared us for is the grueling amounts of family indoor time in a world where people are so very used to social interaction. From using public transport, to walking through town, being at work, school, a place of religion, the gym, local swimming baths, parks, cafes, restaurants, pubs, all taken away in what felt like overnight. People whom are isolated alone are really missing physical interaction, touch, hugs, shaking of hands, simple gestures are now band. Phonecalls and video calls don’t give the warmth and comfort of face to face.
Family’s, couples and flatmates are winding one another up. Domestic violence has jumped to fatalities, a step too far, without intervention.
Our society, as a nation, we have never been prepared for a lockdown. Only survivors of ww2 may have known something similar. We live in a free world, where we are out and about all of the time. To have what feels like, your freedom being taken away, has tested many beings and they have failed. People don’t like solitude. People’s wings have been clipped. This is because all the advice is about our physical health, not our mental. In fact alot of people with ill mental health are coping better than those sound of mind, because self isolation (be it chosen or not) creates a bubble of safety. Whilst you struggle with your mind, thoughts, delusions, anxiety, depression, psychosis behind closed doors, it remains private, solitary and contained within four walls. Going outside can be a sensory overload, and so you sacrifice being sociable, activities, celebrations, as to not draw attention to oneself. Friends and family drift away as they forget you, and aside from medical support, no one seems interested in helping you, because they have no self experience to enable empathy in order to connect with you. Well wheen this pandemic is over, please rember how lonely you felt, how trapped, forgotten, scared, paranoid and unloved and show some love to those that you know with ill mental health, those of us who have been in self isolation for years. It is a precaution, or fear, not all choice that leads people to cut themselves off from the world, mental illness is a sickness that is systematically contagious like the likes of Corona and so you have no excuse but to reach out if you know someone mentally ill and you are well!
Most people with ill mental health that I have spoken to, they are doing just fine because self isolation is not alien to them. I thought that I was winning until I came to realise how sad it is, that I have been self isolated for the best part of seven years. As someone whom used to love socialising, the realisation is very sad. All those that I socialised with are much slower, but still going, but so used to my absence that it has become, “THE Norm”.
Family invitations have ceased, I used to feel like part of the core.
We live in a selfish materialistic world, I hope when this all ends, we will all be a bit more conscious of our family and friends that are still consumed by isolation and reach out to them!
The shops and streets are quiet, I like the lack of noise, distance enabling personal space, the quiet and still rather than hustle and bustle of bustle. Where as most find it eerie.
Alone, I would have ended up sectioned for sure, but having my love is of great comfort.
I send love and well wishes to those that have/had the virus. My condolences to those lost and their friends and family. I urge the people at home going stir crazy, to remember this is only temporary, to enjoy solitude or family time, company and companionship, they are gifts that you all should be greatful to have. To not become complacent, document this journey and so we may tell the new and young of this ordeal and how to avoid it happening again. To count your lucky stars, if self isolation and ill mental health were alien to you before this, know that this is temporary and that your normal shall return but be even better, because you will be greatful.
If you are struggling mentally, please don’t suffer in silence. Your feelings are warrented. If I can stumble through seven years, you can sail through upto seventeen months!
Having space is OK, communication is key. These trying times are testing and may even break the strong, but solidarity is our goal. Together we are strong. Do not threat over tears and tantrums, releasing emotions are healthy, home alone or with every man and the dog, please stay connected, open up and talk things through.
We are all doing so well. Good can come from bad. Creases ironed out, make amends and give all your loved ones a shout. Time is precious, we cannot afford to be bitter. I have scratches but also open wounds from people whom have side stepped me and my illness, that created a wall but I will meet you half way, let’s knock it down as we all make mistakes, we all get ill, life can take us on some strange journeys to find peace but alongside me, if that is your goal, just reach!
It can take great misfortune for some to realise what is under their nose, to initiate forgiveness, to clear ignorance and enable space and room to build, love and grow.
If you ever wandered what secluded, isolated, hermit, vulnerable mental and physical people are going through, I think it fair to compare to this,only less certainty of an end, less of an urgency to mend, swept under the carpet, not headline news.
If you are going round in circles, Banging your head on the wall, please remember that this scenario has been someone’s long time, not a in the mean time. They deserve some of your love.
Keep active, stay strong, we will overcome Corona, Covid-19.

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Simulation

For the unempathetic,
The unsympathetic,
That once thought ill mental health was pafetic,
Welcome to my world.
I say this sincerely,
As it is quite clear to me,
That your mentality is crossing borders unknown.
The lockdown zone,
Not being able to leave the house,
Estranged from loved ones (perhaps not reciprocated),
Friends (so-called),
Family (just blood),
That you truly miss but cannot reach.
Is something you never get used to,
Yet I am so very familiar with,
And feel warranted to preach,
A feeling and sensation that I would never knowingly share,
But I know it has its claws on the masses of you out there.
The paranoia,
The fear,
The new,
The way to close to home,
Is on all of our doorsteps.
We are warranted to threat,
About lack of finances and debt,
Whether we have had the virus yet,
The high possibility of death.
Wanting to go out,
Being mentally restricted,
Is just as gruelling as when restrictions are leagully inflicted.
Feeling restrained,
Contained,
Maintained.
When and how will it end?
The mania,
Hysteria,
May manifest,
As we flap our wings,
Without flight,
Wrapped up,
In a blanket of maybe and might.
Nothing is certain,
Nothing is for sure,
Don’t practice self blame,
If you are feeling insecure.
Just follow suit,
And hope.
When this all passes,
And we have said our goodbyes,
To this delicate yet tremendous stamp in history,
Please remember the simulation,
Of mental dismay and fraustration,
And spare kind thoughts to the mentally vulnerable always in this situation.

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Covid-19 versus Mental Health

Speaking to fellow people that suffer from ill mental health, the overwhelming feeling of lock down and isolation, which is such an alien concept for most people, not at all sound of mind to contend with, is a very much unwanted first for many but actually the norm for many people whom suffer from ill mental health. Social anxiety/depression/psychosis often isolates mentally vulnerable, especially single people. These symptoms often lead to self isolation, triggering loneliness and paranoia, boredom, weight gain, weakening of the immune system. Loneliness can kill. This is an unfortunate pandemic but also a lesson in the usual day to day life of many of our mentally ill and vulnerable. What a horrid but memorable way of wearing shoes on the other foot. Hopefully when the world pulls through to the other side, remember this feeling and contact the vulnerable loved ones in your life.
My paranoia has been high for a while. What really upset me is that I have tried to safeguard myself by being in the company of my partner, but it is a fair distance from my abode, trying to get enough medication to see me through a few weeks, to avoid public transportation and leaving the house has not been permitted. Yet in the past when I have travelled abroad, there was no problem. Maybe they thought I was being over dramatic/sensitive; paranoid, and I wish they were right but it seems my paranoia is warrented, only as anticipated, I am in no state to trek and beg once more. I appreciate them holding the reigns on controlled drugs but their inability to stick to a decision, giving me false hope and then wasting my time has made me more ill than taking a weeks worth of meds in one go would have done.
Everyone is paranoid, fearful of the unknown but I’ve been wearing masks since last year as my OCD has esculated and remained untreated. I am frightened to go out and use public transport and no calming words or percentages will ease the panic running through me. What happens if I cannot force myself out, if I run out of meds?
Ultimately I know that this virus is like nothing we have ever personally been through. Please telephone/text/video chat and check in on your loved ones. At times like these, it is easy to forget that you are loved and I bet you are. If you are going stir crazy and feel you have no one to talk to… Please just message me.
#bekind #togetherwearestrong #dontbeselfish #declareyourlove

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Candy Clouds

Sweet candy,
Way up in high clouds.
I was their good night out,
They were my everyday.
It is only now that I truly see,
For I was once severely blind.
Sticking out like a sore thumb,
Rubbing people up the wrong way,
So often the target,
Never quite good enough,
No matter how hard I tried,
Or what I did,
It was never good enough,
I was never good enough,
Because I was different,
I had,
I have,
Black girl magic,
I’ll never have,
White privilege.

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Boomerang

Happy or sad,
Pleasant or unpleasant,
Triumphant or troubled,
We cannot forget the past,
We cannot escape the past,
It can be suppressed but only for so long,
Because without it there would be no present,
And without a present there will be no future.
Secrets buried will resurface,
Torture shelved will fall back onto your lap,
Outcast trauma will always boomerang back,
There honestly is no escape,
We can trick ourselves for so long,
You cannot cheat your way out,
Only acknowledgement,
Acceptance,
Understanding will set us free.
A tainted past does not have to determine one’s future,
But acknowledgment needs to be part of the process,
In order to Journey on forward. Do not tell me that I am stuck in the past as if I want to be,
As if I revel in misery,
Do not shun me for struggling,
When all you do is sweep things under the carpet,
Remember selectively.
I am no volunteer.
Some people’s paths have shackles,
Have nails that staple you to the wall,
Burry you underground,
Suck you up like a tornado,
And are all considerably profound.
This doesn’t make stepping forward very easy,
The torture one endures early in life,
Will inevitably stay with you until your very last day,
It’s your foundation.
Yet it’s how you manage,
Come to terms with,
Accept,
That will help you,
Lead you on your merry way.
We may have been cast upon a gloomy path,
But determination can enable escape,
It may not be easy,
But hopefully always an option. Nothing worth having ain’t worth fighting for.
I want to come to terms with my troubled past.
I am determined.
I will resolve and then I will be set free,
But I am under no misconception that this journey will be easy.
Don’t think less of me because I broke down,
Because I wanted to end my life.
My decision bared no hindrance upon you,
I am sorry to have affected you,
Those times I only saw blue.
Please just don’t mistake my vulnerability for sabotage,
My troubles as deceitful,
My issues as seeking of attention.
It’s ok if you don’t understand,
But removing yourself from me,
Just a fraction,
Or entirely,
Is a real pitty,
If its about tough love,
Don’t be so damn silly,
I blame myself already,
Your disappointment,
Attitude now non existant,
Or dismissive,
Only makes me more self destructive.
I need suuport,
And I am not to proud to ask,
But if you have disappeared,
I will not force your hand,
There is no poker face here,
It’s sad,
Hard to hear,
Hard to watch,
I must endure it,
You can ignore it,
But never mistake in thinking any of this has been my choice.

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Step Ladder Outa Hell…

I don’t believe that you are unwell,
You just keep putting yourself through some kind of hell,
Professing to be crazy,
When you are actually just lazy.
For absolutely no reason,
You’ve committed a self sabotage treason,
Putting your self in hell,
So you can just constantly dwell,
Taking it upon yourself you are just giving up,
Handed yourself over like an inanimat object,
An empty cup,
That they just continuously pour medication into,
To stop you from being you,
Because you claim to be ill.
I wish that you wasn’t so ignorant and so you could take away your pride,
And see the divide now between us,
You could have helped me,
You still can,
But you refuse to believe that I need it,
You refuse to accept what I have been diagnosed with,
And seem to think it all inside my head,
Although professionals themselves have said,
I do have have borderline personality disorder,
And it means my life is not in the same order,
I can no longer dream the same dreams,
At least for now,
Or accomplish the same things,
But I am still human!
More than anything I’m able to love and wish for love in return,
But my pain,
My suffering,
Has caused you pain,
I know,
And you suffering,
For this I am sorry,
That is why you are on auto pilot,
Which warrants your denial,
But you are no longer by my side,
I try to take it in my stride,
But it isn’t easy,
As I don’t want to make you feel any other way than love towards me,
But at the very least respect,
And belief.
I do not just make things up,
I am not just giving up,
Attention is not what I seek,
I want after healing.
I am unwell,
I don’t want to be,
If you could come to terms with this as well,
That will be my step ladder out of this hell!!!

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Talk To People…

So the caption and advice of, “Talk To People” is an endless trending message re. Mental Health these days and I thank those with a platform whom are willing to discuss ill mental health, as we live in a follow fashion society and celebrities posts are listened to, influence, motivate Joe public more than The Royals/Politicians/mental health specialists and survivors in recovery like myself these days, especially for the young ones, whom inevitably are our future.
I like that mental illness is being discussed rather than shunned and hushed, it’s on the radar and people are getting more acquainted with mental illness and what it may mean. Yet there is still an ambience of being sugar coated, polished, filtered, watered down and cut. Ill mental health has a vast spectrum and many, many layers. It is complex, it has no cap or guaranteed time limit. Each experience is personal. Most experiences have a domino effect and the pain unintentionally ripples through our nearest and dearest. Some people just aren’t equipped to help and support people in immediate/impulsive/high risk/sudden/long standing crisis and that is OK, often there needs to be professional intervention. Unless someone has been through something similar personally or knows of someone and how the mental health system works, therefor having empathetic ears and memorised go to responses, hearing that someone is suicidal is a huge responsibility that may have a knock on affect and cause detrimental damage to the chosen someone, making them feel guilty, some part responsible, to blame and then mentally unwell due to the strain and guilt. Not everyone is equipped to deal with another in a mental breakdown/psychotic episode/crisis and that is OK, but something we must teah and preech before sending out a global message to those that are unwell, saying just tell someone/anyone when not everyone can handle the responsibility and then the rejection could make the ill more sick.
Not everyone has empathy and emotional common sense. Generation’s/Religion/Nature/Nurture/Upbringing/Exposure may sway our minds in response to comprehending the magnitude of seriousness mental health issues obtain.
Many people turn to social media for help, not understanding that social media is simply smokes and mirrors, people are more into putting out than even giving attention to what comes in. The ill persons message and cry for help may not be seen until too late, maybe just not even at all. People love to post messages of love and heartache after lives are lost rather than being around to comfort when people are on the line. It is all rather insincere.
Clueless people yet my own loved ones have said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like that”, “Do you think you are the only one”, “If you’re going to do it (commit suicide) hurry up and get on with it”, “We are all fucked up, not just you”, “You know we love you” post suicide attempts and so that is why I do not reach out to anyone, because abandonment and rejection are two heavy symptoms of my Borderline Personality Disorder, if I am feeling suicidal, reach out to friends whom never check in, family whom say the above, my impulsivuty will be the final straw. If you reach out for help and don’t receive it, it will make you worse, so being advised to just confide in anyone is poor advice, it’s a goal but we are not all there yet! Maybe that someone is great the first time but flash forward three years, they are over it with a call my bluff attitude or tough love, or even nonchalant way of thinking, distancing themselves from you, purposefully excluding you, segregating you, not realising that the sick persons actions are not a choice and cannot be switched off for respite. I guarantee that the strain they put on you does not even contend with what they are going through. Please don’t neglect your duty of care to your daughter/sister/mother etc. External support can be critical but love is a powerful medicine!
Sometimes when in need, I haven’t even been able to get in touch with my mental health team and two-five hours later when I do, the advice is nothing more than common sense, which is not a remedy for someone out of their mind.
If you cannot call anyone that you know, please call the likes of the semaritans.
If you don’t like talking or even know where or how to start, please call 999 or 111 and they will act accordingly.
Please think about what options you have and try them all before attempting the final straw.
Flashback a few months to a year before you hit rock bottom. Please go to your GP and disclose your ailments, they will refer you accordingly. Figure out what distraction techniques work for you when you are having a bad/hard time. Even if without detail, let someone you are close to (family/friend/colleague/partner) know and so they are in the loop. Remember mental illness is more common than you would think and therefor the stats of ignorance and ridicule are slowly dropping.
If you cannot talk face to face or via text, please write a letter or blog or poem, you don’t have to send or post but it may be an easier way for you to share your vulnerability.
Someone out there loves you or that someone is coming. You deserve love, kindness, patience, understanding and happiness.
Who knows what happens when we go, I guess in this lifetime we will never know and so please hold on, it’s a bumpy ride, but try not to check out before the end, it will come, so please wait and let it, this suffering may have a purpose but only time will tell, if you keep defying and reaching, don’t let the darkness eat you! ❤️ ;

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