I’ve lost it and not holding on for me!

I was fortunate enough to be entertained, moved and inspired by some very musically talented friends of mine last week, and yet I have not been able to get this particular song out of my head. The reason why, aside from the sheer brilliance of lyrics and composition, was unbeknownst to me, until now. This particular song has hit me hard, right in my gut because whether I actually relate to the artist or have just completely conjured up my own interpretation, that song and I have made a very moving and strong connection and as cliché as it may sound, I believe that this song was written if not for me, then for people like me. It has triggered many emotions in me and they are dark and scary, to heavy to say out loud and so I have chosen to put key to computer. I once regarded myself as someone that showed promise of becoming something special and someone great. Someone who lit the room up whenever and wherever they go. Someone witty, charming, compassionate, talented and special. Someone that could never be thought of as, “No One” in particular or anyone at all, but someone naturally unique and effortlessly captivating, with an unintentional and yet undeniable spark! Noticed by all and very special. Perhaps even a gift. That kind of sparkle can not be learnt or taught, people that have it are usually unaware because they have never experienced anything different. I only realise it now because upon reflection, that notion was completely delusional. I have always had such extreme reactions off people, hated and often the victim of bullies, and loved by others effortlessly. Regardless, always noticed. Liked and loved, yet also despised, never in-between but I don’t know why. The reactions changed but I remained the same. Not into forcing myself into either category with people. Not intentionally trying to manipulate the way that I was perceived, getting into the game of trying to please, or be mean and tease but undeniably confused by the polar opposite reception from people. My one flaw, having to big a heart and wearing it on my sleeve. Love more in my favour then hate, but since my breakdown and as I get older, the hate vibe seems to out way the love, I can’t do right for doing wrong.
A damaged child with an unconventional, yet stereotypical upbringing; teenage mother and single parent. Never able to accept and understand the rejection and abandonment from my biological Father. Having my heart broken at a very young age and it never, ever really healed. I thought that I had grown tough skin and resilience from my misfortune but I was just in denial. It is one thing having an AWOL teenage father but he is a man now, and never repented for his sins. Rejected by him, my brother, my sister, this whole other family that I will never know. The question now is, have I attracted friends and romantic partners in his image, only to be failed, cut off, isolated from, abandoned and rejected or is it just bad luck? Regardless, it happens time and time again and I can’t take much more, it is hard to ignore or imagine things different when time and time again, I get knocked back and put down.
When I was younger, I had attitude, spice, fire and resilience, I always got up fighting, twice as strong when people knocked me down but the brutal wear and tear has left me weak. I can no longer fully recover when I get let down and I get let down all of the time.
I’ve sprung back up naturally, with narcotics, sexual encounters, medical help, medication aid but I am getting tired and run out of spring. When people let me down, I truly wonder why I keep getting up because this merry-go-round is not fun for me.
A lot of people seem to think that I can just chose to be well again and get on with it like everyone else. I write to educate and some people interpret my sharing of truth as a fast ticket to a pity party. I am just writing the truth. Why would someone choose to be unwell? Other’s admire and are greatful for my honesty but this post is mainly for me. I keep getting excluded, having promises broken, being misunderstood, accused of disloyalty, strung along by men, ditched by friends and feel very unsafe because of this. Nothing works and nothing changes. The whole world is in orbit and I am the lost star that drifted/got pushed out of our solar system and is now impossible to see, impossible to reignite, impossible to return home.
I was the mistake destined to fuck up, I hung on tight but eventually fully slipped through the net and seem to sink a little deeper everyday. I peaked along time ago and so it is almost impossible to continue because my chance has been and gone. Is that why I keep attracting the wrong people? Why the gap has grown between me and the right people and everyone is moving forward whilst I am stuck in quicksand?
You may think of me as a moaner, complainer or whatever but this is my truth. Every time that I get a glimpse of hope or happiness, it crashes down in turmoil chaos. I fall for teasers, jokers and loser’s all of the time and never learn from my mistakes, to big a heart, gullible, hopeful and trusting, giving people the benefit of the doubt, but if I am honest, the accumulation of everything has knocked the wind out of me, close to no recovery and I am running out of gas. I suffer for the sake of others everyday that I wake up. I have not indulged in this sickness, I have tried to be proactive, supportive, helpful to others and all selflessly but not effortlessly. When you start living because you don’t want to hurt, upset or damage a loved one, life can be very lonely and bleak. When I was young, I could push all the negativity to the back of my mind or down into my subconscious and follow suit, living and or pursuing the dream, hoping to be happy and fulfilled, believing that I was or at least that I could be, that I deserved to be and owning that power. I now realise that notion was delusional. Not everyone can be winners, I’m a looser baby and it will probably kill me.

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