A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

DEMAND CHANGE…

Scroll to the bottom if you would prefer to listen, otherwise… happy reading. Please share this one, it means an awful lot to me. Thanks for visiting, come back soon!? XX

DEMAND CHANGE!

If the last four years are anything to go by,
Excuse me as I start to cry,
Because my psychologist told me that I will have this monster of an illness for the entirety of my life!
What!?
I see her every three months or so,
Go in,
Come out,
Who knows what the fuck we talk about!?
I am just another number,
Case load,
For her to box and shelf,
To prove to the bankers’ that I have been seen and “helped”,
But she hasn’t,
Helped me, that is!
Help ignites hope,
But she blew out my candle when she condemned me to an eternity of helpless misery.
I shout my woes,
Confess my sins,
Tell them all of the out’s and in’s,
But they neither see nor hear me,
Not one of all of the professionals that supposedly support me,
They just give me more pills to sooth me,
No,
Silence me!
People in my very small social and immediate family network ask that I at least communicate with them before battling with self-destruction,
But how can I purposefully burden my friends and family?
Firstly, If I disclose all the intricate details of my intense suffering,
I fear that they may section me,
And believe me,
I have been institutionalised enough times already!
The full truth,
The whole truth,
Nothing but the truth,
Will make people not want to speak or listen to me.
And so I write,
And I write,
And I write.
I may not be as articulate and witty as the professional’s,
Lack in vocabulary somewhat,
Be short of the spark that creates recognition and popularity,
A magnitude of followers,
The camera skills to go viral,
The voice of an angel,
Musicality like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,
But this is my art!
Speaking from the heart,
Everything that I say is true.
It may be a matter of preaching to the converted for now,
I see you nodding your head,
Taking in every word that I have said,
Thank you,
Give me an Amen!?
The budget cuts in the mental health system,
The up rise in mental health patients,
The increase in the number of people with mental health problems on the streets,
Scrapping for food to eat,
As if they don’t already have enough problems.
The black hole between help in the community and hospital admittance,
The loss of mental health control,
Less beds,
More med’s,
The increase in suicide!
I struggle to cope every single day!
I see and hear things that other people can’t,
Lucky them!
I don’t eat,
I don’t sleep,
I don’t shower,
Brush my hair or teeth,
Or I eat too much,
Sleep too much,
OCD kicks in and you could seriously eat off my dustbin!
I cry,
I panic,
I hallucinate,
I self-harm,
I hate myself,
And contemplate suicide most days!
If you have to ask why?
You haven’t been listening!
If you find my revelations a bit intense,
Then I am truly sorry,
But this is the reality,
My reality,
My life story forever more,
As my never ending diagnosis of;
BPD,
Depression,
Anxiety,
And Psychosis has been bestowed upon me for eternity!
I long for the times when I could distinguish the difference between bad days and good.
I once had the capability to actually believe in myself.
I have always had ill mental health,
First therapy session at twelve,
On pills since sixteen,
But there was still enough space in my life to dream,
Even moments when I conquered,
But I am no longer on this planet for me,
But for the people who love me!
Even though they may not fully know or understand me,
I can forgive them for that,
I do not fully know or understand myself,
But for some reason,
Some amazing people do actually love me!
And so I am very confused by this but recognise their love,
And therefor I am extremely thankful and lucky.
I fear and feel for those that have no one,
Those that receive no love at all and feel weak because of this.
Think about how isolating it is for those that have absolutely no one to share their experiences with.
There are people that have no one to aid their struggles with physical and psychological pain.
It is my pleasure and self-administrated duty to share with and represent my fellow Borderline’s,
Depressive’s,
The Anxious,
My neighbours The Schizophrenic’s,
The Bi-Polar’s,
And all of the above,
All of you,
The list is as long as my battered and bruised arms.
It takes personal experience to understand sometimes,
But you do not need a degree to practice listening or conjure empathy.
You do not need to be mentally ill yourself to acknowledge how integral mental health is in our society.
As a result of increased and continuous budget cuts in a financially deprived yet desperate area of NHS Health,
People are dying every single day.
This is a fact that deeply saddens me to say,
But this is an increasing problem that will not just calm down and go away.
We must unite and demand change.
Demand change.
DEMAND CHANGE!
With change we can help people very much in need.
With change we can potentially cut down the suicide.
With change tomorrow may not seem as grey!

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2 Comments

  1. Dave Straughan

    9 February 2017 at 18:15

    Gotcha. You need to tell them someone is gonna get hurt in order ro take you seriously. My shrink was beyond incompetent. Every visit started from scratch and one day he didn’t even turn up. Loads of other stuff but can’t be arsed. I kept banging on at them till I got taken seriously. After seven years on the wrong meds! Anyway, good to see you channelling the pain into something positive. Keep yourself as well as you can . X

    • Although it doesn’t feel so, I am actually one of the lucky one, they monitor my medication, I have a CPN who visits fortnightly, a hospital located across the road if I need urgent help throughout working hours Mon-Friday. I am aware of the after hours crisis line but they often don’t call back at all or if they do, way beyond any intervention or any prevention could have taken place. There is also 111 or 999.I have a psychologist that I see every three months. I have a support worker who visits every week. It took the professionals over a decade to confirm my diagnosis after speculating in silence for all of that time. It has taken four years for them to realise that therapy for self harm, suicidal behaviour and hearing voices therapy may be of use to me! My psycho analytical therapist who I saw twice a week, died. I then got transferred to and chucked out of group therapy. I am now having a short cause of therapy for voices and behaviour. I must admit that there is a lot of professional care available to me but my personal issue is that I am self destructive and impulsive. I state my affairs and ask for help, lately they just advise me to stay with my parents and I have happily got out of being hospitalised because of this sugar coated option, which is a cover up for a lack beds! Self destructive and suicidal behaviour is a major reason to be hospitalised and even if I haven’t wanted to be admitted, there are times when that is the best and only option for my safety, what I want does not matter, it is what I need! Only a few weeks ago, I must have blacked out and self harmed unconsciously, because the next day and unbeknownst to me, I went into the kitchen to discover blood everywhere and only then realised that I had blood soaked bandages on my arm and leg. I still cannot remember inflicting that upon myself! When at my worst, which I know call a relapse, I spiral extremely quickly and I am a complete danger to myself, usually acting out before I can even think about help. Asking for help or seeking help whilst in crisis is near enough impossible because that requires a rational state of mind! All of these documentary’s and social media posts about where to find help are actually inaccessible to the most vulnerable of all. What homeless person has Facebook? Help needs to be hands on, we need more hospital beds, more help in the community, the increase in suicide rates prove so. What more do the people in charge need? An epidemic suicide pact?
      I am glad t hear that your meds are working. All of the tablets that I have to consume in one day, if you line them all up, it is enough to make you feel sick! Anything for an easier life though, right!? x

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