If you are a returning reader, you will know that I have and have had various symptoms of psychosis and hallucinations, they are part of my many mental health problems. The visual ones ceased about a year ago (hooray and may they never come back) but I have had to contend with the audio ones since first falling really sick three years ago. I have named them both, “He” and “She” in order to identify which is talking and saying what, but if I am honest, they often talk in unison. They are by no means my version of the little devil and angel that sit on your shoulder and whisper advice, they aren’t my version of, “Jiminy Cricket” that helps me tap into my consciousness. They are paranoia provoking, upsetting, annoying, exhausting, unwelcome and disturbing. They make my life really difficult. I find it hard to focus and impossible to ignore. Could you ignore people invading your personal space and talking, whispering or shouting mean things directly into your ears? Try it. It is no fun at all. The scale of space invasion is hard enough as it is, then there is the discomfort of amplified sound and worst of all what is said, the bullying, hating and dark things that they say over and over again. I often need to play the television loud and music loud in order to drown them out. Or sometimes my ears are so sensitive, I need everything and everyone around me to be delicate and quiet because the overwhelming sound can be painful.
Last night I experienced something completely different, something out of this world. I was depressed Monday, manic Tuesday, I have rapid cycles and I am rarely in-between. On the night of the manic day, I just couldn’t rest, despite how much I wanted to. I was hovering and cleaning at 2am. Eventually tired, I ended up in bed by 3am. I barely slept but because of a new and unpleasant experience. It was as if there was a party in my bedroom. I heard an ocean of voices, like one hundred plus. There was also really loud music. Eye’s wide open or shut, I could hear something that I was not supposed to, not connected to and it was scary. There was no party near by last night, noone in my flat.It was a powerful hallucination.
When will it end? Will it ever end? What is it all about? I don’t want to be scared anymore.

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