Unbe###kinglievable!

So as you know, I am having home visits. They had been daily but yesterday when the doctor and nurse came to see me and review my medication, they specifically told me that my daily visits were going to decrease from daily to alternate day’s. This meant that the medication that they had given me would last until Sunday.
Well obviously there was a lack of conversation when it came to my care, as they sent a nurse out to me today. I was enjoying my first lying this week. I had woken up in the middle of the night the night before, having a huge panic attack and therefor had an extremely disruptive nights sleep. I was woken up by the buzzer today, as it was unexpected, I asked my someone to answer the door whilst I washed my face and brushed my teeth.
Once vaguely presentable, I proceeded to the living room where I knew that the nurse would be. I nearly dropped down dead when I saw her. It was the very same nurse that had turned me away last year when I was in crisis. The nurse that I had told that I felt unsafe, suicidal and a fear of going home. The nurse that said that turning up at 4:30 was inappropriate and to late for help (even though the hospital shuts at 5pm)!
That very same nurse that rejected me, neglected her care of duty to me, she was now in my house supposedly offering support.
It is fair to say that her presence resulted in the voices going overdrive, I cried and cried. My someone tried to comfort me and she apologised for the confusion last year, asking if she should leave. I declined because I wanted her to acknowledge the magnitude of what she had done to me and how inappropriate it was for her to be in my house.
I feel like a joke. Not heard and unseen. Despite the fact that even generally, most people with bpd have abandonment and rejection issues. The verbal attack from the therapist (isolating me from the group), the very same therapist personally calling me to disinvite me to group (rejection x2) and now the nurse that chose to ignore my cry for help (when in crisis last year) was in my house, acting like she had no clear recollection of the incident. I remember. I know she neglected her duty of care and I did not like her being in my home.
I sat with my head in my hands from the moment that she arrived. I think that she thought that I was just waking up, when in fact I was trying to conceal my tears. My someone comforted me physically whilst she harped on about something or the other, I couldn’t hear her. The voices were going on and on about how these people don’t understand me, take me seriously, have any empathy for me at all.
The, “Help” keeps letting me down. It feels as if someone is laughing at me, throwing in all of these awkward experiences just to throw me over the edge. They keep testing me. I don’t want to be tested. I just want to recover, but lately the, “Help” have been most unhelpful.
Thank goodness my someone is here.

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