The Beast…

Today I feel the presence of the beast. I call depression the beast because it is the perfect name for it. It sprawls out over my body from head to toe, the burden of the weight makes me feel so heavy, I can’t get up out of bed. It’s teeth sink into my brain and like a virus, it filters its poison throughout my entire body. My eyelids are heavy, I cannot open them. Hypnotised and paralysed I lye down, asphyxiated and comatose, I just cannot get up. All plans unfulfilled, I lay in my bed. The law of physics expand beyond reason and gravity keeps me down. Like a pirate ship, my brain usually swings up and down, left to right, the highs and the lows. Today there is no light. No up’s. No highs. Merely darkness and only down. I want to get up. I want to do the things that I have to do. I can’t because I am bed ridden, with loss of all control, I simply cannot move. Drowsy, my state of mind drifts from conscious to unconscious repetitively. I need to eat. I need light and life but the beast holds me down!
The voices are constant. They urge me to take an overdose, to cut myself and bleed, bleed out until I die. With all of my might I plead to the beast, “Please let me go, let me get up, let me seek help?” He laughs and applies more pressure, weighs me down further.
I want to be well and able, I want to confide in someone, seek help but I now feel worthless, unworthy of any help at all. I turn my phone off and suffer in silence, give in to the beast that has devoured all hope.
Scared and so very alone, I wish with the little strength that I have left, I wish that these feelings will pass. I try to think of the good, caring, constant, stable, empathetic and loving people in my life. There are but a few, but a few all the same! The hope gets pushed down and I am left with only paranoia and doubt! Does anyone really care? All that I have is the beast, perhaps if I obey and succumb, he will be less nasty, less controlling. If I accept him, maybe his grasp will ease. I will do anything for this madness to stop. Anything. I cut and bleed and cry, then cut and bleed and cry, and then cut and bleed and cry some more. I seek calm, peace and contentment, it is all so very unobtainable until….until… until… it softens, the beast loosens his grip, my heartbeat starts to regulate, I can move! I can breath! He hasn’t gone, not completely but it’s over… for now!…

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