I feel so helpless… Wish me luck on this one!

Sometimes I really just don’t know what to do! I know that what comes up must come down but does it have to spiral so fast? Do I have to hit the ground so hard? I just don’t know what to do, and so I am trying to distract myself and heal by writing to you.
I have been having hallucinations on and off since Christmas. I keep seeing stuff out the corner of my eye. It’s almost like shadows, but shadows have to be cast by something right?
I just had a lovely weekend in the company of my new someone. I have been exercising. Sleeping well. Eating well. Doing everything tat normal and healthy people do.
Tonight I am alone for the first time in three day’s. I like my own company. The heating is on. I went to the gym today. I have had a bath and eaten my dinner but something dark has still surfaced.
I don’t want to burden my loved ones and those close to me by disclosing how I feel. I don’t want to worry people unnecessarily. If I try to articulate what is going on… I already know that, they wont get it. How can they? Even I don’t, and I am the one experiencing it.
It’s as if I am just not entitle to full blown, uncomplicated happiness. Thoughts and demons always get in the way. In good company, they are silenced but I am learning not to be fooled. All the badness just stores up and hits me in one go. I am paranoid about how I have come across, what silly things that I may have done and when darkness prevails, I feel like I am just a plague to everyone, that everyone would be so much happier without me in my life, and that deep down they realise this, which is why everyone always leaves. The suicidal feelings are then unavoidable. I look at the pills that I have in my kitchen and so far, little glimpses save me. I think about my mum, my step dad and my sister, I think about my new someone and a prospective future and whilst those images hold me back from darkness, the demons latch onto them by repeatedly saying that such people merely tolerate me, that they think they are fond of me, even love me, but if I leave, they will realise that being free of me will truly make them happy. How can I confess that to a loved one. They will try to persuade me otherwise, get offended that I am thinking so selfishly, so little of them, but it isn’t me. Yes these dark thoughts are mine, but they come from a place that I do not recognise.
So I have a bath, listen to music, watch TV. At the moment they are not strong enough distractions for me.
I self harm, try to take some control back. It starts to make me feel, feel something other then these nauseating thoughts and messages that I am in receipt of.
I cry.
I try to ease the three panic attacks that I have had over the past four hours by trying to regulate my breathing.
I plan to go and seek help tomorrow. Perhaps the professionals can shed some light. Perhaps their aid will rectify all the wrongs that are so dominant tonight. Perhaps this isn’t a relapse and a rather harsh reminder that I am still very much unwell.
Sometimes when in good company, I forget that I take all those bloody pills for a reason that if I am overcome with exhaustion, I must rest. I am entitle to, “A normal life” with, “normal” shenanigans, such as romance and socialising but I cannot block out the fact that I do suffer from various mental health problems. Such problems should not determine who I am and who I want t be, but they are indeed a very huge part of me, of who I am and who I am going to be.
The way that I feel is similar to the feel of being bullied. I can’t do right for doing wrong. Like tooth decay, I am rotting from the inside. It is painful and impossible to fight alone. There lies the catch, how can people help me if I don’t articulate what is going wrong? It is easier to tell a professional, they are impartial, they do not have sentimental ties towards me. They are familiar with what I am going through. They don’t always get it right but it’s worth a try as I know that I can’t fight this alone. I do not want to relapse. I do not want to put both my body and loved ones into trauma. I do not want to go back into hospital. I just want a peaceful and quiet time, to not feel invaded and helpless. Wish me luck on this one.
xx
Noone

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