competitivity leads to success?!

I feel that in order to achieve almost everything in life, we have to be competitive. Whether it be against others or ourselves. There is always competition. You have to be the best. Whether you are looking for work or moving up in the business. Looking for love, in my case Mr Right. There is almost always someone right beside you, gunning for the same thing, or someone without warning sneaks up behind you and has every intention to overtake.
Life is a gift, or so they say. A gift that we are supposed to take advantage of, fight for. I have lost the fight and all of the competitive streak that I once had and the change has not gone unnoticed. My current state sickens me, how could I fall so low? Against all odds, raised in a single parent family, growing up n a council house, being a woman of colour were only facts for me. I was under the illusion that I could achieve absolutely anything, and I mean anything like, a doctor or a lawyer despite the fact that I have always been more creative then academic. I had dreams and ambitions like no other. I was still under the impression that fairy tales did come true and that if you are good, good things would come to you. I fought hard, I competed and got what I wanted for large proportion of my early life. I got into drama school, moved to London, trained, worked as an actor and felt worthy of doing so. All the while, as if on timed release, the bullies comments springing all the way back from early childhood, my illness were just brewing under the surface. I was deteriorating from within. I found myself no longer enjoying acting and all of the rejection felt extremely personal. All of the hard resilience that I had built up through childhood as a defence mechanism from all the let down and heartache was slowly fading away. My self confidence and low self esteem effected my work, social life, life in general. Working just to pay the bills. Living the dream was no longer a life worth living it had become complicated and painful. I tried to cheat by conforming, entering a hopeless relationship but trying to get all the extras right, living together, the cooking, the cleaning, it was a farce. All the pain I had pushed down and ignored was rising to the surface. There lay a warning, I just did not understand it.
My friends seem to get it, they have that drive that I am now lacking. They are in serious relationships, married, have kids. They are earning big bucks at the top of their careers and all the while I am floating in this black hole of nothingness.
I think I lost my spark some time ago, I lost the warrior inside of me and let my armour of resilience melt away. Everything that once made sense, made me happy, felt wrong. I lost the ability to be free and let go, the negativity inside of me prevailed. I lost the joy in all the things that I loved. I lost confidence and burnt out my spark.
I now naturally shy away from competitiveness, I have had so many knock backs, I fear the final blow is dawning. Once consumed with fear you start to settle, make the most of unsuitable situations. I fear that I am now even past that. I have no energy to pretend, broken and hurt I daren’t to dream and feel more comfortable letting competition pass me on their way to success.
My breakdown may well have been the repercussions of dreaming, being competitive and falling hard. A lifetime of neglect and abuse in several forms and I still had the strength to pick myself up and persevere, this should not go unnoticed. Yet we are only human, to many knock backs will indeed make you fall and we only have so much strength to get us back up, so many times. When all strength is gone, all hope is lost, your mind plays tricks, you feel misunderstood and alone, life seems more a curse then a gift.
I crave happiness from a genuine lover. I want to be a mother and bring up the most loving, put together kids possible. I miss acting. I want my work published. I want to record an album. I want things like everyone else. Most importantly, I want to want to wake up in the morning. I guess slowly but surely, after that the rest will follow. I just no longer have the fight for it.

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